It’s summer and that means that people are going to amusement parks. While people have a choice of many, there is one that stands out as the Happiest place on Earth. But as happy as Disneyland is, you still have to deal with long lines, small children, and overpriced food. Which is fine. You have to deal with that at any amusement park. What you might not know is that when you step through the turnstiles into Mickey Mouse’s home, any misstep might lead to your death.
The most obvious way to die at Disneyland is the Haunted Mansion. This “ride” isn’t actually a ride at all. It’s a portal to hell. The ghosts are real, and they are watching you. If you turn away for even one second, it could be your last. The ghosts have been known to possess people, and the possessed often try to kill their family and friends. Those attempts usually fail, however, due to the Disney Secret Police. What will kill you is the heart attack you experience when the ghost leaves your body.
Space Mountain is the best ride at Disneyland. Everyone knows that. Along with exciting music pouring into your brain, this ride features confounding darkness which makes the high speed turns unpredictable. Unfortunately, because of the darkness you might fail to realize you’re going into a black hole. Of course, reports of people going into Space Mountain and not coming out have all been silenced by the Disney Secret Police. The other common way to die on Space Mountain is simply to stand up. Since you can’t see the tracks in the dark, you might very well behead yourself. It’s suggested that it was built that way because Disney hates tall people.
I’ve been to Disneyland about thirty times, and I’ve only seen the Matterhorn open once. After researching why it’s never open, I learned that it’s because of the Yeti. You see, the Yeti of the Matterhorn does not like to be disturbed except when it needs to feed. Fortunately, it doesn’t get hungry often. But if you ever see the Matterhorn operating, you should be aware that the Yeti is looking for food. Side note: The Swiss children on the Matterhorn also need to feed. They are particularly dangerous because instead of feeding on your flesh, they feed on your soul.
Sure, Toon Town might look like a place for children, but anyone who’s seen “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” will know better. You have to beware of EVERYTHING in Toon Town. You never know when a tree will explode on you, or when a bite of your food will turn into a snake and eat you, or an anvil will fall on your head. Even if you avoid the myriad death traps, you still have a chance to run into Goofy and Pluto. Whatever you do, don’t mix them up. Them bitches be crazy.
The Disney Secret Police
Last, but definitely not least, there are the Disney Secret Police. They’re a cross between ninjas and politeness enforcers. Their main job is to protect Disneyland. If you flash a camera at Splash Mountain, they will know. They will hunt you down, put a bag over your head, and carry you off before your friends even notice that anyone was there. If you make an obscene comment, they’ll cut out your tongue. If you pass gas, they’ll plug your ass (by which I mean they’ll shoot you, not literally plug your ass…though that would make more sense). Like the Men In Black, the Disney Secret Police can also erase memories, so that no one will even realize you’re missing.
Of course, you could also be shot by a cannon on the Pirates of the Caribbean. You could be sold into slave labor during It’s a Small World. Or attacked by miner at Big Thunder Mountain, crushed by a boulder during Indiana Jones, eaten by sharks during Finding Nemo…The list of ways to die at Disneyland is never ending.