Almost exactly one month ago, I was being redirected away from my hotmail and dumped into media giant MSNBC's forum of controlled and often contrived news stories. But it was there that I stumbled on what at first seemed to be a rather amusing article titled "3-year-old Hitler can't get name on cake". Now if you are like me, a title like that is like a shiny new coin, the last brownie left unattended, the drunk girl at the party; You've got to have it, and if you are like me, then here it is for your own enjoyment. The ensuing article did not disappoint. In it the family of '3-year-old Hitler' ask for a little tolerance... WTF!!! Your kid is named Hitler! Oh it gets better. Apparently the local ShopRite refused to put his name on his birthday cake stating, "Heath Campbell (the father) previously had asked for a swastika to be included in the decoration." Holy shit!!! I won't even go into what's wrong with the fact that Walmart ultimately did it instead.
Now, at first I agreed with the parents, "A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did." How true, and Heath Campbell even went on to mention the way of change put forth by President Elect Barack Obama, "There's a new president and he says it's time for a change; well, then it's time for a change," But Mr. Campbell, what kind of change are you talking about? "Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That's fine, I don't really care... That's his choice." That's not fucking change you uneducated bastard! He does have that right, but I'll be damned if he doesn't face an uphill battle. What with his parents admittedly being raised "not to mix with [other races] socially or romantically", and his name being Adolf Hitler Campbell, and oh yeah, his two sisters being named... get this: Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and my favorite, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. But 'he won't grow up to do what Hitler did'... WTF!!!
I'm not one for too much governmental interference, but people, just like these two, should be a part of a sterilization program. One way I've thought about integrating this program is by 'chemically enhancing' certain products like crack or heroine or Spam. All of which this family clearly use. If, for example, you live by a store called 'ShopRite', then you will probably be a part of this new program. If, when listening to Jeff Foxworthy you think, 'I totally do that' then you will probably be a part of this new program. If you name your children after Nazis or Nazi sympathizers, and don't even do it in a creative Goddamn way, then... fuck me you will definitely be a part of this new program.
I chose not to write about this at the time because it was just too... well you know. But now, oooohhhh now the ironic justice. Almost one whole month later, while being redirected from my hotmail I see, "Nazi-named children taken from parents" (read it here). My exact reaction: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Don't get your panties in a bunch, officials say they were not taken away because of their names. That wouldn't be justice. I mean these ASS HOLES knew their kids couldn't be touched for that reason and flaunted it in everyones face. No, no Youth and Family Services took the kids for undisclosed reasons. What exactly, I don't know. Having astonishingly white-trash parents doesn't qualify as a good reason, so my guess would be that it's drug related, or Spam related. Either way, it's fantastic! These trashy fucks knew that they had certain unalienable rights including the right to name their kids whatever the fuck they wanted and no one could do a damn thing about it. The worst part was that we all knew that these kids, who were by all means still innocent little kids, were destined to grow up in a white-trash home raised by a couple of bigots with no fucking imagination! Then, Mr. Campbell, your son would grow up, not to be like Hitler, but a worse fate... to be like you. Let's hope the Youth and Family Services has a nice big set of balls and doesn't return these kids to their God awful parents. The first step, new names. Personally I like Osama Bin Laden Campbell, or Charles Manson Jeannie Campbell, or my favorite, JoyceLynn Terrorist Regime Campbell. They're much more relevant, don't you think... Fuck Me!!!