With no clue on what it's like being a daughter, I can only imagine that one would miss out on a lot of great advice and lessons, things that can only be passed down from father to son. Male to male. With that said... In celebration of Father's Day, I'd like to look back at some of the most important lessons our fathers have taught us... from a male's perspective:
"There comes a time in every man's life where..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know dad. Where he wants to grope his female classmates in gym class."
"Right. But I just want you to know that it's prefect naturally. It's perfectly natural to want to grope your female peers in gym class. And soon enough you'll get intimate with one of these girls. You'll be crazed, horny, and hormonal from watching those scandalous music videos... she'll be jacked up on hormones from the whole milk she's drinking at lunch... and you two will sneak behind the school yard to her house when her parents are at work. You two will get into her bed and make sex. I just want to make sure you use protection. That's why I'm giving you this --"
THE MAGNUM CONDOM. Ron Jeremy couldn't fit into this, let alone your scrawny ass boner. But this is how your father was. Polite. Generous. Optimistic. Optimistic that one day you might be able to fill it with genetically endowed baby-making equipment.
Then came the tips.
"Your mother and I like to do it..."
"Dad, dad. Please. Eww."
All he wanted was to give you a few pointers. He'd picked up a lot of tricks in the past twenty years. And who better to share them with then his own son.
"The key is to stimulate both the -- "
It was a delicious, well-thought out transition into the next topic...
While gliding through the confessions of falsity regarding the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Stork, and Santa Clause, your father also had to break the news that it wasn't ghosts making those moans all those Saturday nights. Somehow he thought this would be less scary than ghosts. Let me tell you it was not.
"Well, tell your economics teacher to go fuck him self," he'd say. He cared so much about your education.
"I'm going to pull you out of those god forsaken liberal fuck fest of a public school and get you a real education. A private school. Or the military. St. Genevieve's on Claremont.
He taught you how to trick or treat. How to map out the most economical route through the neighborhood, hitting the most spots in as little time possible... where to avoid the old ladies' bag of pennies and how to nail the rich couple who gave out king size candy bars multiple times in the one night, simply by adding accessories to your costume.
He taught you how to catch a fly ball. He taught you how to hit line drives into left center. He taught you that a cup was for protecting your family jewels, not for wearing as a helmet or drinking Sunny-D out of. And these are lessons that invaluable.
It's these lessons that are cherished and never forgotten. Things we reminisce on Father's Day. So, here's to you, Dad. And thanks to the invention of email... I am finally able to fill up that magnum you gave me oh so long ago. You know what I'm talking about.