One of the Highest Honors This week, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, leaving the world to ask why? The Nobel Committee gave him the prize for his work in foreign affairs. However, after 9 months in office, the President has yet to win any major victories in foreign policy. While he has been able to get a startling amount of world leaders talking to each other for the first time in years, his actual accomplishments are lacking. Clearly, there is something else at work here.

President Obama’s work in other countries isn’t the real reason he was awarded the Prize. That was simply a cover story. It was because of his work on killing the old. It is a well known fact that people over the age of 50 are more likely to start wars with other countries than young people. It follows that in order to stop wars, we just need to kill everyone over 50 years old. President Obama was the first to realize this undisputable link, and he took action.

Evil Activist Sarah Palin

Like any good President, Obama began his work at home. In this instance, his target was health care reform. By now you’ve surely heard of the “death panels” that Obama proposes. According to Sarah Palin, these panels will judge whether a person deserves health care by how much they contribute to society. Palin gave the Republican’s highest compliment when she heard the news stating that, “Such a system is downright evil." You could almost hear her muttering under her breath that she wished she had thought of it first.

A Nobel Peace Prize is a big deal, and the people who get it need to deserve it. It isn’t enough to simply deny public health care to the old, the sick, and the lazy. After all, we've been doing that for years by not having a public health care system to start with. To truly remove the old, we need them to suffer mentally. As the old saying goes, a depressed person is more likely to want to commit suicide than a happy person. This is much harder to accomplish, and the real reason the death panels exist. The elderly will be forced to discuss the multitude of ways they can commit suicide every five years. This is what sealed the deal for the  Nobel Committee.

It may seem like a United States specific thing, but it’s really not. Once a major global power begins killing off their old, the rest of the countries will follow. Eventually, the definition of old will be younger and younger. When 40 year olds are old, we’ll be back on track for world peace. And so we thank President Obama for his work on removing the elderly and for recognizing that young people don’t commit global atrocities.