Welcome to Valentine’s Day. It’s a day when couples are forced to quantify their love for each other through extravagant presents and freaky sexual favors. It’s a day when singles realize that no one loves them, or that they don’t love anyone. It’s a day that celebrates a massacre and an orgy. How cool is that? Love is dead.

People are often depressed when Valentine’s Day comes around, whether they’re single or not. My guess is that it is because people just don’t understand how good they have it. They worry that they’ll look bad in the eyes of their lover if they don’t put forth enough monetary value into their gifts. They worry that they’ll have to give in and do anal. They also think on their relationship wonder if it’s worth keeping despite all its flaws.

What people don’t realize is that the Valentine’s Day is about exchange, and it is far superior to the Valentine’s traditions of the olden days. Our forefathers must have suffered through this holiday, knowing that they would not receive sex unless they were married. Our foremothers would have only received crappy cards instead of jewelry. How sad that must have been for everyone involved, especially when you consider that most women would agree that getting a pearl necklace is worth…getting a pearl necklace.

Pearl Necklace is not a Google safe search.

It comes down to one of the lesser spoken facts of life. Weird sex is really awesome. Because of this, prostitution is really awesome. Men and women want to have weird sex, but need excuses to succumb to their internal lust. Valentine’s Day provides this excuse. Think about what kind of weird sex you want to have this year. Get a present equal to the value of what a high-end prostitute would charge for that weird sex, and give it to your loved one. I’m pretty sure it’s a law that s/he’ll have to do it after that.

So, stop hating Valentine’s Day.  Instead, remember that on this day, you can have whatever kind of sex you want with the person you love the most, for a price. After all, it’s not about love. It’s about value.

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