With Black Friday coming up, I am here to help you prepare for any possible incidents that may occur. Or prepare you to cause any possible incidents. With that in mind, I bring you part 2 in our ongoing series of 5 Ways to Die entitled, 5 Ways to Die on Black Friday. This day sucks.

Black Friday is a special day in every psychopath’s life when greed and savings overpower common sense and good will towards man.  It is on this day that a disease infects people and tells them to shop. As the virus spreads, they forget how to be human. It’s similar to zombie viruses, except people move much faster. The bloodlust remains, and brain eating on Black Friday has been reported by very reliable sources. Since everyone knows many of the normal ways to die on Black Friday, we will focus on the ways to die that you might not be familiar with.


The dangers of Black Friday can begin before you even get to the store. Consider a situation where you and your friend have decided that you want to buy the same item. If everything goes well, you both will be able to get it and so you decide to go together. However, during the sleepless night, your friend decides that she wants to add a little insurance to the acquisition. She brings you coffee to start the morning, knowing that you will need energy. What she doesn’t tell you is that the coffee is poisoned. Since coffee already tastes like poison, you don’t even notice until you get to the store, at which point you fall over and die. How to avoid: Don’t drink the coffee.

Credit Card Wrist Slitting

The Credit Card Wrist Slitting (CCWS) is an old trick that is often used by prostitutes, ninjas, and other assassins. High security places will always check for standard weaponry, but they will almost never take away your credit cards. Thus, a good assassin is able to slice through a man’s wrists with a credit card. The CCWS is often used during times of distress during Black Friday, when a person is next in line behind someone with the item they wanted to purchase. Side note: it is traditional that if a person wakes up late for Black Friday that they kill themselves by CCWS. How to avoid: Watch for anyone brandishing their credit cards and wake up on time.

Handbag Beheading

Seriously. Who sells this stuff?

Unlike the CCWS, the Handbag Beheading often occurs unintentionally. While it is common that when a person gets upset they will swing their handbag, the actual beheading part is pretty rare. But, have you seen some of these new purses? It’s like they were invented to chop off people’s heads. In any case,  elderly women are often the aggressors in situations where a Handbag Beheading occurs. How to avoid: Stay away from old people with metal purses.

Belt or Tie Noose

While most Black Friday casualties are caused by women, men can also get into the fun. The most common method of male caused Black Friday Fatalities is the Tie Noose. This will normally take you by surprise when you are getting the last of something. You’ll be inspecting your treasure, and then out of nowhere, there will be a tie around your neck. And while a tie normally goes around your neck, they normally do not attempt to strangle you to death. If there is not a tie around, a belt is a fitting substitute. How to avoid: This is difficult since it will normally come from behind. As a general rule, beware of anyone who wears a tie the day after Thanksgiving.  The belt noose, however, is completely inconspicuous.

Car Crash

Oh sure, car crashes happen all the time, and it’s not specific to Black Friday in any way. But the normal kind of car crash isn’t what we’re talking about. Any smart person knows that it’s completely impossible to secure what you want on Black Friday. To combat this, an industrious person will have prepared a tank to secure the loot. The last thing you will see is a tank’s turret as it comes crashing through the walls. When the treads finally run you over, you will find out if there is life after death. How to avoid: You can’t avoid it. It’s a freaking tank.

This is, as always, just a partial list of the more obscure ways to die. You could always get trampled to death, eaten by starving children, get lost in the mazelike mall corridors, or shot by the police after a failed attempt at a handbag assassination. If you still decide to shop on Black Friday,  I wish you the best of luck.