lonely_peopleApparently I never got the memo about this sad platform for misguided hope.  Craig’s List Missed Connections is a place where people waiting all their lives for their Sleepless In Seattle moment attempt to reach out, via a post to the mystery person of their dreams.  The one that got away, James Blunt’s beautiful girl on the train.

Now, I don’t want to insult and discourage romantic gestures and sensibilities.  I for one love being swept off of my feet, but for that reason…I’m not checking Missed Connections every day…because…well…I like myself.

Elaborate Spazz?  SURE!  I was lead to this sociology experiment gone horribly wrong after my recent brush with tall dark and destiny at a Starbucks and shaming myself for being too shy to speak to the guy someone said “Hey!  Try Missed Connections!  Maybe he’s trying to find you too”….hmmm. Quickly I run home and push aside my Nora Roberts novels (chya!) and scan Missed Connections for my coffee drinking Romeo, and instead I find a graveyard of hopes and wet dream.

Some of this shit is hysterical, you have to check it out!  My favorites are the blindingly stupid and desperate pleas:

Couple, saw you in line at [Giant Wholesale-CO] and looked at you.  I would love to have a threesome with you, email me!

WOW pal, aside for your audacity, since you didn’t specify which "Giant Wholesale-CO" in the COUNTY you were in, or a time or date…that leaves roughly 30,000 possibilities per hour, none of which are going email your Troll ass for night of hot sex!

Saw you get in your blue Mercedes in the (blah) parking lot, I was in a silver car and thought you were beautiful

…stalker!!!!!

Hey, remember when our cars where next to each other on the 110 and I saw you at 70 miles an hour?  Let’s meet.

Are you fucking kidding me???!!!

What are these people thinking???  I’m not recommending that you chase her down with your car but do you think that the women of the world are waiting for a drive by dating experience?  You thought she was cute?  Great!  At least Hispanic men have the balls to cat call and tell me their cocks are swelling in my presence, YOU on the other hand my friend are hoping the universe will throw you a bone if you post your hopes and dreams with a STRANGER on Craig’s List.

If this was simply a public graveyard of dignity I would probably just leave it alone as I do feel kinda sorry for these poor lonely saps, HOWEVER, some people use it as a forum for other things.  You know those stupid chain letters that you stopped giving a crap about somewhere around the 8th grade?  You know, “Pass this on to 10 friends in the next 10 minutes or your balls and/or boobs will shrivel and no one will ever love you again…that is if that bus doesn’t kill you first”.  Yeah those.  Well people have started pawning off the cosmic responsibility now via Missed Connections.  “Surprise!  You thought I was looking for you!  Now you’re fucked!”…ugh the dregs.

My favorite though, hands down are the people that post their “Why I Broke Up With You” letters instead of actually saying it to someone’s face…like WE care?!  Oh, but there are people at home so lonely and bored that they do, and these strangers…RESPOND!...and give advice!  Great Googley Moogley!  Fuck global warming, let’s keep these people single so they don’t breed!

The real question?  What is the likelihood that a person you were momentarily smitten with is looking for you on Craig’s List too?  People, what did we do before the passive aggressive Missed Connections?  Did we ACTUALLY have to have the balls to speak up?  If you didn’t say anything, like me, you went home and beat yourself up, BUT you should have also learned a lesson.  SPEAK UP DUMBASS!  Nobody really wants to go out with the spine-less anyway so muscle up some cajones and go scare the crap out of that girl at the post office because you like the way she wealds that tape gun.