It's that time of the year again. That time when we all have to stop thinking about ourselves and give it all up to a higher force. No, I'm not talking about god or the Government. I'm talking about your mother!
Now, mothers care most about the thought and effort put into a gift that they'll receive on their magical Sunday. Pornographic magazines might make a great gift for your dad on Father's day, but most mothers would disown you if you gave them pornography (food porn is still acceptable). Sure, most moms would love a gift full of thought, full of love, full of care, but many of us just don't have good gift-giving ability to please them. Whether it's because you're not the creative type or because you destroyed your inherited gift-giving gene with to many Jager bombs during college, you just don't know how to give a thoughtful gift. Well, don't fret, there are many wonderful mother's day gifts on the market today, and there is a gift for every almost type of mom:
For the mother who still has young kids:
Marshmallow Shooter -- $19.95
If you have young siblings, odds are your mother has at it up to "there" on a daily basis. They destroy the house. They have the attention span of a bumblebee out of it's ADD medication. They just flat out annoy the hell out of her. Give her a little stress relief by providing the ability to shoot those little assholes while disguising it as feeding them their favorite snack. The CPS won't know the difference.
For The Mother Who Likes To Eat:
The 3-In-1 Breakfast Maker -- $49.95
This genius device is a toaster oven, non-stick fry pan, and 3-cup coffee maker, ALL IN ONE! For the mom on the go, the mom who doesn't want to move a muscle, or the mom who doesn't want to have to leave the bathroom to cook breakfast. Toast such breakfast items as waffles, croissants, and bagels, and grill sausages and eggs, too. Although advertised as a breakfast maker, it can also cook such lunch and dinner items as sandwiches and pizzas. Your mother doesn't need a kitchen remodel anymore. This is the new portable one!
for the mother who likes to clean:
The ShamWow or Zorbeez -- $14.95 / $19.95
Both have unrealistic absorption power. Both have commercials that have eaten at your soul like little satanic ticks. Both have names that would confuse the best of English scholars. Both have interesting spokespersons, one who constantly forgets to wear his hearing-aid and one who, well, looks like a child rapist. It's your call, but either way, your mother want have to worry about spills for the rest of her life.
for the voyeuristic mother
The Listen Up -- $14.95
Your mother can now spy friends, family members, and even strangers with this ultra portable sound amplifier. For the mother who wants to hear the married neighbors fighting late at night about who put what where and why. For the mother who wants to hear what your high school brother is doing with his girlfriend in his room. Calculus homework or coitus? (Both as equally nerve-racking in my opinion) Also perfect for watching mystery stories late at night with the television volume on low.
for the mother who likes to drink:
The Margarator -- $99.95
Because a woman who has raised a child needs a drink more than anyone and the Margarator, a frozen margarita machine, helps keep those drinks a pourin'. While keeping drinks cold for up to four hours, it is also equipped with an easy pour spout for straight-to-mouth pouring, perfect for those holiday, family get togethers. It holds up to a gallon of beverage, which is just enough to forget the memories of having to wipe your ass.
FOR THE MOM WHO GETS COLD TOO EASILY
The Slanket or Snuggie -- $37.99 / $19.95
The Slanket and the Snuggie might just be the greatest products ever created. Now your mother can be warm and comfortable on the couch while being able to take a quick trip to the supermarket without having to take her blanket off (how many times this has ruined my day, let me tell you...) Also a good gift idea for those mothers who practice Buddhism but don't want to shell out the cash for a traditional garb in these hard economic times.
For the mother who likes to #*$&
Better Sex Love Potions -- $24.95
It's a known fact that raising a child will lower your sex drive to a level that not even Catholic nuns possess. It's also non-staining and glycerin-free! Recommended with this product is a George Clooney mask for your father to wear.
I hope this has helped everyone decide on the perfect Mothers Day gift. Now go get 'em, tiger.