It should be criminal to charge people for art as poorly crafted as Max Payne (the movie, of course). Luckily, I was able to see it for free on the Fox lot in Century City. Had I actually spent my hard-earned money to watch this "film," I would have sincerely been pissed. This might be the only Mark Wahlberg movie I have seen where his acting was not the worst thing about the movie. You can certainly take the "Marky Mark" out of the "Funky Bunch", but you cannot take the Funky Bunch out of the Marky Mark. I promise you, there were no "good vibrations" during Max Payne. I think I am actually ashamed I went to see this movie.

Mark Wahlberg: I Suck

After seeing Max Payne, I need to get three good movies under my belt, just to forget about it. Like getting the bad taste out of your mouth, Max Payne is that really terrible Chinese take-out you had for lunch. I kid you not, I have already shaken my head twice, remembering parts from the film, and looking back at my notes. Just to give you an idea of what was going on in my head, while I watched Max Payne, here are three notes I took down:

  • Ludacris...WTF?
  • Chirs O'Donnell...why?!?!
  • Mlia Kunis? Why?!

Even on the Fox lot, with a crowd of Fox employees, when Ludacriscame on screen, the audience erupted in laughter. Not because he had something funny to say, but because he had no business being in this film as a serious detective. The only acting I would be comfortable with Ludacris doing, in a film I made, would be smoking a giant blunt and slapping bitches. Definitely not a stretch for Ludacris, but I could not trust him to do any more than that. That, or being a second-rate music producer, as he was in RocknRolla.

Quite literally, the only redeeming quality of the film was that Mila Kunis looked pretty damn good, especially wielding a semi-automatic machine gun. Sorry ladies, no candid shots of Wahlberg with his shirt off, or ass out.

Kunis is the Only Thing not Payne-ful

For those of you that have not played the video game, I will give you the general story. Max Payne is a detective, who found his wife and baby girl killed. When Max got home, he was able to take down two of the assailants, while the third fled the scene, and was never caught. His wife worked for a pharmaceutical company, Aesir Corporation, which is related somehow (do not want to spoil this gem of a movie!) to a recent string of mysterious deaths in the city. As Max Payne continuously searches for answers to his wife's death, he is joined on his journey by Mona Sax (Kunis), whose sister was recently murdered (also mysteriously). There is some underlying themes of Norse mythology, related to a mysterious drug, Valkyr, that Aesir experimented with (you can Wiki "Aesir" and "valkyries" if you are THAT interested to see how it relates to Norse mythology). Lots of corruption, and conspiracy ensues; Max Payne ends up on top at the end. Yay.

It would take me ten pages to make sense of the plot, so I do not plan on going into more detail. The plot jumped around more than House of Pain. No character, besides Max Payne, was actually developed. There was no mystery, there was no suspense. Not much in the way of action either - it only kicked in about half-way into the film, and only really picked up near the last 20 minutes. Some people might enjoy the cinematography of the film (similar to Sin City & 300), but it was not enough to sway me in any direction. I hate that they will make money on this, simply because of the name. Fucking hate it.

A Long Way from A Scent of a Woman

The last point I will make is one that I have been making for years - Wahlberg is not an actor. This man is about as much an actor as I am a gymnast by day, astronaut by night. He does not deserve to be a lead actor in any film, but I am glad it was Max Payne, and not a real movie. Fuck you Fox.

Holy shit do not see this movie. I am fucking serious. Do not do that to yourself - I beg you.

I will leave you with the best line of the film. Near the end, there is a huge explosion at the top of a building, with a fuck-ton of police standing by at the ground level. A giant piece of the building falls down, and crushes a police car. The officer-in-charge then proclaims:

...That's our cue....

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