Scene from Gran Torino
Gran Torino is the newest heaping pile of shit movie to captivate America, directed and starring Clint Eastwood. The only other actor in this movie is Christopher Carley, who you may or may not have heard of, but at least he is an actor. The rest of the humans that speak in the movie are a pack of nobody hacks. I've seen better acting in music videos than in Gran Torino. What bothers me secondarily to the acting is the fact that Clint Eastwood is supposed to be a bad ass at age 78. Most of us will be satisfied if we can still wipe our asses without help at age 78, but none of us are looking forward to packing heat and cleaning up our mean streets. When is the last time you were terrified of a 78 year old? Better yet, when was the last time you saw a 78 year old NOT eating their own shit from a plastic bowl that they've nicknamed "button"?

Gran Torino takes place in whothefuckcares-ville, USA with a variety of minorities, or as Walt Kowalski (played by Eastwood) would say, "spooks, gooks, zipperheads and ding dongs." I will admit, it is pretty funny when Walt drops his favorite racial slur, but I laugh at most anything these days. What I don't get, however, is how people allow him to drop all these hate bombs at them with no reprecussion; not only do they not say a word about it, but they never seem to be bothered with it, or phased at all. Beyond his rampant racism, Walt helps the people of his street against the gang activity, and various vigilantism (did I make that word up?). Father Janovich (played by Carley) tried to break through Walt's rough exterior and find the inner Walt. This relationship was pointless. That being said, I don't know which relationship mattered in the movie, or really why I watched Gran Torino.

Gran Torino Movie Poster

There's really nothing that makes sense about why America is so fucking wrong about Gran Torino. Everywhere I turn, people are talking about how great this movie is. What the fuck? Did you not watch the Dirty Harry series? Because if you did, there's no way you'd take Gran Torino as a modern-day surrogate. I can't seem to grasp where the appeal is. Sure, you might be a big Eastwood fan, but give me a break...I wouldn't count on him being able to open a tight jar, let alone cleaning up the gang presence in my city. Believe me, I like Eastwood, and as a director he's been pretty on-point. But he has no business being a bad ass anymore. It's not like Eastwood is the only actor still grasping on to former bad assedness - just look at De Niro and Pacino in Righteous Kill, or Stallone in Rocky 27.

If you can deal with piss-poor acting, a grumpy sounding / looking Dirty Harry, and hilarious racism, then Gran Torino is the ticket. Maybe you'll join the rest of misguided America and love this shit pile. While you're out wasting your money on this movie, feel free to pick me up a new pair of Saucony Jazz (any color will do, and I'll need it in size 10.5 US - thanks!). I, on the other hand, have drafted up this formal letter as a follow-up to the movie:

Dear Mr. Eastwood,

Why did you want me to watch Gran Torino? Why did you throw your voice to sound even closer to death? Why did you decide to cast real Hmong "actors" who couldn't act to save their lives? Why are you still Dirty Harry 20 years later? Why do I get nowhere with women when I call them sluts and give them pet names like "nature's cash register" or "cum dumpster"?

Thanks in advance!

Your pal,


P.S. - I think you could still open a tight jar. :)

CategoriesMovie Reviews