Much in the way of laudatory comments has been said about Gravity: Great cinematography, innovative approach to screenwriting, et cetera et cetera. So maybe I’m missing something, because, after seeing the film, the only thing I wanted to do was crawl into a hole in my apartment and never emerge again. For that is the feeling that Gravity gives you: If you leave your house, let alone venture into the lawlessness of space, you will be fucked. Apart from the anxiety of watching Sandra Bullock hyperventilate for the majority of the film, the lack of plot, dialogue or scenic variety is enough to make you go slowly insane. So, without further verbal disdain, here are six things I’d rather do besides ever see Gravity again. Promotional poster for Gravity

6) Read Gravity’s Rainbow, a book everyone claims to have read (much like Infinite Jest) but never actually has.

At least reading this meant I read a book.

5) Hang out with Major Nelson from I Dream of Jeannie (even though he seems like a real stick in the mud).

I'd rather hear Major Nelson talk about space than see Sandy B get stuck in it

4) Watch the entire The Facts of Life series.

George looks much better without a space suit on.

3) Spend an hour and a half doing my hair like Princess Leia.

Time-consuming, but timeless.

2) Sit through Speed 2: Cruise Control

At least you can play better drinking games when you watch this.

1) Risk a conversation with Alfonso Cuaron to talk about making a sequel to Y Tu Mama Tambien

Salacious dialogue is preferable to listening to Sandra Bullock howl

And there they are, six more useful, less mental disorder-inducing activities.