Much in the way of laudatory comments has been said about Gravity: Great cinematography, innovative approach to screenwriting, et cetera et cetera. So maybe I’m missing something, because, after seeing the film, the only thing I wanted to do was crawl into a hole in my apartment and never emerge again. For that is the feeling that Gravity gives you: If you leave your house, let alone venture into the lawlessness of space, you will be fucked. Apart from the anxiety of watching Sandra Bullock hyperventilate for the majority of the film, the lack of plot, dialogue or scenic variety is enough to make you go slowly insane. So, without further verbal disdain, here are six things I’d rather do besides ever see Gravity again.
6) Read Gravity’s Rainbow, a book everyone claims to have read (much like Infinite Jest) but never actually has.
5) Hang out with Major Nelson from I Dream of Jeannie (even though he seems like a real stick in the mud).
4) Watch the entire The Facts of Life series.
3) Spend an hour and a half doing my hair like Princess Leia.
2) Sit through Speed 2: Cruise Control
1) Risk a conversation with Alfonso Cuaron to talk about making a sequel to Y Tu Mama Tambien
And there they are, six more useful, less mental disorder-inducing activities.