What do you get when you try to mash up an action movie with a romantic comedy? An atrocious bowel movement in the from of McG's This Means War. While Reese Witherspoon, who plays the (what a surprise) type-A lead character of Lauren, is generally known for making sound decisions when it comes to selecting a film to be in, This Means War tries much too hard to be all things to all audiences. It suddenly makes you yearn for the day when McG was directing Charlie's Angels.
While in Hong Kong on a covert mission, FDR and Tuck, longtime friends and partners in the CIA, end up botching the mission when they only kill one of the intended targets, the brother of an international criminal named Heinrich (Til Schweiger, who is a bit too gifted at playing a creepy assassin, as evidenced by his role as Sergeant Stiglitz in Inglourious Basterds). In upsetting Heinrich, they not only invoke the wrath of his vengeance, but are also grounded by their boss, Collins (Angela Bassett, who may actually be the best part of this movie despite her infrequent appearances), at the CIA field office in Los Angeles.
With nothing to occupy their time, Tuck is the first to acknowledge that he feels something is lacking in his life--and that something is a monogamous relationship with someone other than FDR. Meanwhile, Lauren's best friend, Trish (Chelsea Handler, who basically plays herself in this role), signs her up for a dating website, which is, of course, how Tuck and Lauren find themselves going on a date together. What Lauren doesn't know is that FDR has offered to hang out at the video store near the restaurant (which looks suspiciously like Virgin Records on Sunset before it closed down) in case Tuck needs an excuse to get out of the date. This is how Lauren just happens to run into FDR after her date with Tuck.
Once FDR and Tuck find out that they are dating the same woman, they mercilessly employ every gift they have for reconnaissance to win over her heart. Even though I guess it's supposed to be funny, I found it slightly disturbing when both of them sneak into her house as she dances around to Montell Jordan's "This Is How We Do It" (a fact that would be a dealbreaker for me if I was a dude). And, whenever things in the realm of observation get too extreme during the movie, FDR simply blames it on the Patriot Act, always a good scapegoat, if nothing else.
The only aspect of the story that might have been redeeming is if Lauren chose to be with Tuck. But I suppose opposites attract, blah blah blah. Then again, who the fuck takes Chris Pine over Tom Hardy, opposite or not?