It’s that time of the year again. Not only are your tits freezing off, but you finally get to find out which films and TV shows from the past twelve months are going to be fairly and unfairly recognized. In general, the Hollywood Foreign Press has a tendency to be more experimental than the Academy (e.g. Madonna winning Best Actress in 1997), but it still isn’t without its insane moments. Then again, their selections are also a window into what the public is responding to. This year, the continued interest in Girls and The Big Bang Theory are among some of the most troubling. Those hypnotic globes.

Where the drama portion of TV is concerned, the Golden Globes are fairly on point, with nominations for Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, The Good Wife, House of Cards and Masters of Sex. Clearly, Breaking Bad is going to win. But, in a bolder world, it would be Masters of Sex. In the comedy sector, which is the most disconcerting, you have The Big Bang Theory, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Girls, Modern Family and Parks and Recreation. Let me put it this way: Between Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Girls, the former should win and between Modern Family and Parks and Recreation, the latter should win. And The Big Bang Theory shouldn’t exist (in either sense).

That's pretty much all you can say about Girls.

Where Best Actress in a TV Comedy is concerned, the only person that matters is Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I will kill myself if Lena Dunham wins. Which she probably will. In drama, it’s all about Taylor Schilling for Orange is the New Black, even though she’s quite possibly the least likable character on the show. In the Best Actor category, Bryan Cranston should (and will) win. Where the boys of comedy are concerned, it’s between Andy Samberg and Jason Bateman, though it’s more plausible that James Spader will win for The Blacklist…because this is Stef from Pretty in Pink we’re talking about.


Ordinarily, I wouldn’t bother bringing up the miniseries or TV movie scene, but there were two notable efforts that make it impossible not to: Behind the Candelabra and Phil Spector. With both Matt Damon and Michael Douglas nominated for Behind the Candelabra, my only wish is that they will take the stage in Liberace garb and play two pianos side by side (just call me queenie, okay?). And then there’s the timelessly fierce Helen Mirren, who deserves the Globe for her role as Linda Kenney Baden in Phil Spector. Also a formidable contender for the Best Actress in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie is Jessica Lange for American Horror Story: Coven. There might be riots if she doesn’t win.


And now where it starts to get intense: The feature film categories. 2013 offered us a slew of contenders, including American Hustle, Her, Inside Llewyn Davis, Nebraska and The Wolf of Wall Street in the comedy category. Although I have no idea how Inside Llewyn Davis is a comedy except in the most sadistic sense, my vote is for this one to win. For drama, the competition is between 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips, Gravity, Philomena and Rush (which seems arbitrarily thrown in because it's a Ron Howard movie). What I can basically say for this selection is: Gravity should not win. I’d even take Rush winning over Gravity.

Promo poster for Rush

The actors and actresses vying for the Best Actor and Actress award might be a close call this year. Personally, I’m all for Cate Blanchett winning for her role as a delusional former trophy wife in Blue Jasmine. Just please don’t let Sandra Bullock triumph for her hyperventilation skills throughout Gravity. In the comedy realm, the long shot I’m rooting for is Greta Gerwig for her performance in Frances Ha. And, even though Enough Said was pretty good, I can’t abide Julia Louis-Dreyfus winning purely because of all the annoying facial expressions she made during it. For the men, it comes down to Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club and Oscar Isaac for Inside Llewyn Davis. Supporting-wise, it better be Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club or else I will deem the Hollywood Foreign Press eternally transphobic. And I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence will win if for nothing other than her “it-girl” status right now.

Slightly psycho.

In the director category, Alexander Payne deserves the gleaming ball of gold. Alfonso Cuaron does not. And so, alas, we’ve come to the end of all I want to acknowledge about the Golden Globe nominations this year. Stay tuned for my inevitably outraged reaction once the winners are revealed.