J. Lo is 44 today. Let’s celebrate by recapping some her so bad they’re almost good moments. And I mean that in the best possible sense--for, as Bret Easton Ellis has taught us, there is nothing quite as addictive as lowbrow culture.
1) Starring in a Japanese show called Synchronicity
2) Being a backup dancer for New Kids on the Block
3) Being a Fly Girl on In Living Color
4) Backing out of the Janet World Tour
5) Having her first acting role in a direct to video release called Lost in The Wild
6) Starring in a short-lived TV series called Second Chances—the set was ruined by the 1994 earthquake in Northridge a.k.a. the universe was not havin’ that shit.
7) Being a cast member of Money Train
8) Agreeing to be a romantic interest to Robin Williams in Jack
9) The "If You Had My Love" video
11) Dating Puff Daddy while he was Puff Daddy
12) Calling an album This Is Me... Then
13) Agreeing to be in The Wedding Planner--not just because of the plot, but because of the Italian portrayal
14) Playing a battered housewife in Enough
15) Glow by JLo
16) Engagement to Ben Affleck
17) Mixing business with pleasure by starring in one of the worst movies ever, Gigli (and yes, I've actually seen it to know for certain)
18) Continuing her acting collaborations with Affleck in Jersey Girl
19) The American remake of Shall We Dance?
20) Trying to compete with Jane Fonda's spotlight in Monster-in-Law
21) Fortifying a series of riffraff films by releasing The Back-Up Plan
22) Becoming a judge on American Idol
23) That Fiat commercial
24) Ripping off "Llorando se Fue" by Los Kjarkas for her song with Pitbull, "On the Floor"
25) Releasing Love? an album with only one listenable song
26) The Jennifer Lopez Collection for Kohl's
27) Marc Anthony
28) Returning to the screen after a reprieve with What To Expect When You're Expecting
29) Fragrance bombing yet again with Glowing by JLo
30) Making a quick dollar as the voice of Shira in Ice Age: Continental Drift
31) Revealing desperation to fulfill her contract with Epic Records with Dance Again... the Hits
32) Preventing Ojani Noa from releasing a tell-all book about their marriage (come on, even Madonna let her brother release his disparaging prose)
33) Not getting charged for criminal possession while she was with Puff Daddy
34) Marriage to Chris Judd (even K-Fed was a step up as far as backup dancer husbands go)
35) Starting the trend of merged celebrity couple names
36) Not collaborating with Ja Rule after "I'm Real"
37) Having her children at a hospital in Long Island
38) Disingenous Bronx pride on "Jenny From the Block"
39) Peddling her fragrance, Love and Light, on the Home Shopping Network
40) Not making Selena 2: Rise of Yolanda
41) Never topping the green Versace dress at subsequent Oscar appearances
42) Telling Nicki Minaj how to upstage Mariah on American Idol
43) Not telling Mariah how to upstage Nicki Minaj on American Idol
44) Getting in trouble for singing "Happy Birthday." Everyone knows you can't do that without getting sued.