The Golden Globe nominations were announced this past Thursday. The Golden Globes are voted on by the clandestine group known only as the "Hollywood Foreign Press Association," HFPA from here on out. Let me clarify, the Golden Globes website lists the names of their members, and the country they either write for, or hail from, it's unclear which, but it doesn't tell you what publication they write for, or what their credentials are.

Fuck, maybe I oughtta apply.

The Gilded Turds, er, I mean Golden Globes.

I hold almost as much contempt for this group and their award, as I do for the "Academy" and theirs (article coming soon).

The HFPA are notorious for their willingness to be bought. Don't believe me? The following paragraph written by Matt Drudge (of Drudgereport.com fame) for a Wired.com article dates back to December 19, 1996(!):

Everyone knows that the Golden Globe awards are totally corrupt; the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is made up of 88 active members who are not full-time journalists or critics, but part-time freelancers for small publications in places like Lithuania and Bangladesh (where I am sure Jerry Maguire is being well received.) One is a college professor, another is a retired engineer; there's the man who runs an auto referral service, and another who until recently sold appliances in the Valley. "There are millions of people who watch (the awards) and think this is something other than a corrupt little band; they think it means something, and of course it doesn't," Howard Suber, chairman of a film production program at UCLA, told Sharon Waxman in The Washington Post a few weeks back. Waxman declared in her widely read piece that the awards are nothing but "fool's gold," and the ceremony is more spin than substance.

Television

2006

How else can you explain the dreadful Desperate Housewives getting 4 of the 5 best actress nominations? In the Comedy/Musical category no less!

For the most part, my major gripe with the Globes, aside from the categories and classifications themselves, are in regards to their Television categories more so than their film ones. Several of my issues with the Academy (article still coming soon), the Globes saw fit to address.

Go to the official Golden Globe Awards website and read for yourself, it's all right there in brown and red. Brown and red being the color of the bloody diarrhea the monkeys who came up with these nominations crapped out.

So let's go back a moment. Desperate Housewives, at best, a glorified soap opera, got 4 nominations in a category of 5. Here's the problem...

First off, Desperate Housewives isn't worth the film it's shot on, let alone is it worthy of an award or even a nomination. Second, it was nominated in the Musical or Comedy category. And we know it's certainly not a musical, fact of the matter is, it's far less a comedy than it is a musical, yet here it is, nominated as a comedy. A COMEDY! A wee bit of solace comes from the knowledge that the winner of the best actress in a television series for 2006 was the only non-Desperate Housewives nominee. That crap show did however win best Comedy series. I've had root canals funnier than this show. Oh, and it beat out Curb Your Enthusiasm to take home that award.

If that's not proof enough of the HFPA's worthlessness, then you probably don't have two brain cells to rub together. But still I trudge on...

2007

Grey's Anatomy wins best television drama. McCrappy, or is McShitty? Either way, it's another glorified soap opera, albeit a far lesser blight on the television medium than MILF Island (Desperate Housewives). But still, it beats out 24, Lost, and the inaugural season of Heroes. This is hardly justice served.

In the best television musical or comedy category, the incumbent is unseated by...Ugly Betty! Ugly Betty, I suppose is a better choice than Desperate Housewives, but seriously, have you seen Ugly Betty? It's bubblegum. It's utterly inane, stupid, ridiculous, and on and on and on. It's the equivalent of a Britney Spears album and should not be consumed by anyone over the age of 14. I guess the Golden Globes lost a bet and were forced to select the Kids Choice Awards pick as their winner.

Wait, this just in - no they didn't.

Ugly Betty was the nominee that the Golden Globes actually chose as their winner...over The Office. Hopefully you haven't rubbed out either of those two brain cells to understand how little credibility the HFPA has as a result of this selection. How little credibility any voting body would have. Almost as bad as the Republican party in '04. Or worse?! No not worse. But still almost as bad.

You see, Ugly Betty is a FUCKEN ENGLISH LANGUAGE TELENOVELA!!! And that's being generous.

2008

As difficult a pill as the following words are for me to swallow, the HFPA's choices weren't cringe-worthy. Only insofar as the television categories go.

2009

And now, for this past Thursday's nominations. Best television drama. My biggest qualm is with the nomination of a show that I am an admitted fan of - True Blood. A great show no doubt. But campy as all getout and far from award worthy. I guess all a show really needs nowadays is for Alan Ball to put his name on it. How about a nomination for the far more deserving Bones or Life, especially considering how fond of procedurals the HFPA is (Law & Order anyone? 7 noms since '92 plus an additional one for SVU). Or how about one for newcomer Fringe! Or fuck, why not a nomination for all three of them?!

The best television musical or comedy category is okay, with both the supremely deserving The Office and 30 Rock getting nominations. But that being said. When the fuck is It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia gonna be recognized? It's Always Sunny is easily on par with The Office and 30 Rock in terms of wit and irreverence, if not in terms of budget and advertising. How about a nomination, Golden Globe, or otherwise, for How I Met Your Mother, which is criminally underrated, as opposed to It's Always Sunny, which is criminally unheard-of.

The facts are these: it wouldn't kill the HFPA to throw a few nominations at the blissfully enthralling Pushing Daisies again. It got 3 noms last year (0 wins) but not so much as 1 this year. That's Fucken Bullshit. Plain and straight.

Another glaring omission is a best actor or at the very least best supporting actor in a comedy series for Jim Parsons for his role as Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory. I dare you to watch him for :30 seconds and not laugh. I fucken dare you.

Classifications

Anyway, I could go on and on about specific choices, or lack thereof, so instead I'll take just a minute to rip into the categories themselves.

With the Golden Globes and HFPA, the inmates really are running the asylum. There's very little rhyme or reason to these categories.

In '06, '07, and now for '09, the best motion picture drama category each had 5 nominees. In '08, there were 7. The majority of the categories have the industry standard 5 nominees, expect when they have 6, or 7, you know, just because.

HFPA, a wise man (who you didn't nominate) once said - "This is not Nam...there are rules." Not that you would know it by looking at these categories.

Best actor/actress, they've got it easy, there's a separate category for motion picture drama, motion picture musical or comedy, television drama, television musical or comedy, and mini series or motion picture made for television.

But then for the best supporting actor/actress categories, it's motion picture (drama and musical or comedy), and television series or mini series or motion picture made for television (drama and musical or comedy).

The bests have these whittled down narrow fields, while the best supporting have to duke it out with everyone with a SAG card for a nomination. Just more of that same old HFPA bullshit.

And seriously, a musical OR comedy category?!

Best Picture

2006

We had the somber and intense Walk the Line squaring off against the highly farcical The Producers. Again, you'll need those two brain cells from earlier to figure out how completely insane it is to have those two films competing against each other.

2007

Borat went to battle with Dreamgirls.

2008

Sweeny Todd versus Juno. Sweeny Todd, the horror musical filled to the brim with death, dismemberment and cannibalism, went head to head with Juno, the quirky teen pregnancy comedy.

If all that isn't reason enough to read a book on the evening of January 11th, the night during which the 66th annual Golden Globe Awards air, then maybe we can get you a picture book.

I'm out this bitch!

- Lenny

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AuthorBTH Staff
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