For starters, I am not a chick, but I am a scientist. And by "scientist", I mean "porn aficionado." Driving to work on a rainy day in Los Angeles is like meeting a genuine person at a bar in L.A. - these things just simply don't happen that often. Typically on a first day of "serious" rain here, you'll see a good number of accidents, and people driving absurdly slow. It's as though some switch labeled "dumbass" is sitting dormant in everyone's brain until it starts showering outside, and then that switch is turned on. Even though this will eventually be about chicks and chick cars, I'm not suggesting this phenomenon only occurs with women - plenty of men do dumbass shit, while driving, when it rains. There is one marvelous thing about it raining, and that is the increased ease of perving out while you drive. What I mean by this is you're able to give that unsuspecting female driver a nice, hard creeper stare, and you get extra time to do it because everyone is simply moving slower. Assuming you are a woman, and judging by our comment stats it is pretty likely, I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. It might not happen every day, but definitely when you slut it up I'm sure you notice guys that roll up on your car just to check you out. (Did I just write "roll up on your car"? I think I did...).

Subaru Impreza Hatchback with a Car Thong

Who really knows what men are thinking though; especially on a freeway it is nearly impossible to have any kind of success with what I call a "car stalk". This is where chick cars play a huge role in natural selection. You see, the reason I bring up the rain example above is that human males are extremely simple creatures. We want things spelled out for us, we want to know our time is not being wasted, and we want as much control as we can garner. There are some human females that understand this - whether it be consciously or not - and thus their actions reflect this - once again, consciously or not. In comes chick cars. I'm sure you already have an opinion on what this is: a car made by a chick, a car driven by a chick, or perhaps a sub-cultural genre of pussy-mobiles. Clearly it is the third choice, otherwise I wouldn't have said pussy-mobiles. We both know I wanted to use "pussy mobiles" so let's just get past this.

Highly-Detailed Image Found when Image Searching "Car Stalk"

Chick cars are pussy-mobiles. You are either a pussy for driving it, or you wield one. So if I'm a guy (and I happen to be in this example - yay!), and I'm on the prowl for a warm place to call my own, I try to increase my chances of success by eliminating options. That is to say, I am selecting...naturally. This is especially evident on the almost-always fruitless car stalk attempts. If you are on the freeway, and people are going 75mph +, then you have a really short window of time to select your victims. I have found in my research (read: countless car stalks) that there are two main forms of car stalks: the machine gun-like check every car as you go, or the more focused chick car natural selection stalk. The first method is time-consuming, exceedingly more dangerous, and horrendously ineffective. Germans are eating babies at the shear thought of this level of ineffectiveness. You are probably batting 0.155 with the machine gun stalk, and probably missing out on the best options by wasting your time. This is why I live and die by the chick car natural selection stalk. It saves time, it increases your odds, and the quality of your catch jumps up dramatically.

You probably want to know what kind of cars I consider chick cars. You probably also want to know why I decided to type this doing a handstand (using my feet to type, obviously), but I don't plan on scratching that itch. My chick car list is probably no different than many others, but here are the cars I generally associate with chick cars:

  • Volkswagen Jetta (last 10 years or so)
  • Volkswagen Bug (last 15 years)
  • Toyota Corolla (last three body styles)
  • Toyota Celica (pretty much as long as I can remember)
  • Mitsubishi Eclipse (being going back and forth over the last few models)
  • Ford Mustang (last several bodystyles)
  • Audi TT (always)
  • Mazda Miata (always)
  • Lexus IS (always)
  • Volkswagen Cabrio / Cabriolet (always)
  • BMW 3-Series (on and off)
  • Scion tC (always)

(Are there more that could be added to that list? Sure. Feel free to use that comment box at the bottom and let me know what needs to be added.)

Rob Schneider Even Drives Chick Cars

A common theme you'll notice with chick cars is that they are generally not boxy, and you can slap a "cute" label on any of them without too much hesitation (save the Mustang, perhaps). Tough to say if the car manufacturers decided which cars would be chick cars, or whether women influenced the trend based on what they drive - very chicken or the egg, and obviously the latter option lends itself to padding my natural selection claim. Let's assume it is the manufacturers that decide what cars will fit their female demographics. They do some research and development, probably case studies with sample groups, surveys, targeted ad campaigns, and then employ all kinds of data mining methods. That being said, all the data in the world won't necessarily prove itself in sales; as you might have learned in statistics: correlation is not causation. But what if it does prove itself in sales - does that mean that women themselves didn't play a pivotal role in ensuring these or those types of cars would be chick cars? I've got to say, I'm leaning towards the second option.

So let's assume we'll go with the second option - women influence what kind of cars are made for them to drive. They decide when they pick this car over that car, and cost is usually irrelevant because most chick cars will hit an 18 - 35 year old demographic where salary will vary dramatically, but there are enough chick cars to fit any of the common salary brackets in that age range. The funny thing to be is that I have made this sound scientific, as though I haven't pulled this all out of my ass. So as my research indicates: whether it be consciously or not, women push for chick cars by way of natural selection.

It's natural selection that women choose to drive chick cars, and it's natural selection that men choose to car stalk chick cars.