After spending years analyzing Segway culture, I came to notice that Segway riders had their own own mating tactics not unlike other sub-cultures such as street racing and Razer scootering, but with it’s own personal spin. I have recorded such tactics and compiled them into the following list.

To make writing this list easier, I will use “girl” and “woman” interchangeably. Of course every tactic will work whether the girl is in grade school or in Geriatric care.

This Guy Didn't Follow This List

10. RIMS

It doesn’t matter whether you ride an automobile, a Harley, a Segway, or a Rascal. You need to be ridin’ on twenty-fours if you want to collect any poon-tang.

9. SPEAKER SYSTEM

Now, this could potentially hurt the budget. If you can afford it, get the best sound system you can, two huge speakers and a fatty woof. If money is an issue, than a ten dollar speaker set from Walgreens will have to suffice. Of course you won’t get any bass, so focus on the type of girls who will get hot from those seductive, trebly sounds.

8. LEAN WIT IT

Just one note:  Don’t lean TOO far back while riding. If you fall on your ass it’s going to make this whole endeavor fucking useless. Also, hydraulics are always a surefire addition to your Segway seduction arsenal.

The Fab Four On The Prowl

7. THE VULTURE

A move I picked up years ago. Basically it consists of circling around a girl or group of girls on your Segway. Trust me, they like this. Once they look irritated and start walking in a different direction, just stop the circling and start following them. They take that as a compliment. Girls love when guys have a respect for commitment.

6. LOITERING

If you overhear a girl saying she’s going to her boyfriend’s place, ask her if you can give her a ride there. If she accepts, have her hop on the Segway with you, drive to your place, and then when she asks “What are we doing here?” simply tell her that in Segway sub-culture, when a woman hops on a Segway with a man, it signifies that that man is automatically her new boyfriend and lover.  If she happens to run away, just ride after her. Again, woman love a committed man.

5. MOVES

The move I’ve seen that seems to get the most results is the Handlebar-Handstand. When doing circles, it’s grace at it’s finest.

This Can Work Too, But Girl's Tend To Become Turned Off During Coersion.

4. TRICKERY

Pick your target, ride up to her, then screech it to a halt. Now that you have her attention, proceed to tell her about the new hot girl-seeking device you just had installed.

3. PAINT JOB

Neon pink. This color seems to stand out the best against the background, making visibility top-notch. However, bizarrely, this tactic doesn’t seem to produce results in West Hollywood. If this is your target area, maybe try an earth tone.

2. NAS

Nothing impresses a girl more than a guy with a need for speed. And with boosters that baby just might hit 25.

A Big No-No. Women Hate Desperation.

1. ZACH EFRON MASK

If all else fails. It has no relevance to a Segway per se, but the combination of a Segway and Zach Efron is no doubt going to blow their mind. Trust you me, they won’t even know what just happened. Act out a scene from “17 Again” for the coup de grace.

INT. STARBUCKS - 24/7

It’s a known fact that LA is littered with screenwriters. Lots of them. Tens of thousands to be exact. Some are professionals, some are hobbyists, and others are uninspired goons trying to cash in on the illusory spec sale lottery. Anyone who lives in Los Angeles and has walked ten paces to a Starbucks knows that there is a good chance the coffee shop chain will be infested with amateur and professional screenwriters penning the next summer blockbuster or quirky-ironic indie cult hit.

Taking some time to investigate this topic, I came to realize that simply saying Starbucks was integral to so many screenwriters‘ writing processes was as much of an understatement as saying Richard Simmons is simply chipper. After starting to investigate, what I found was a much scarier, horrific, monster. Something so shocking and revealing that I knew immediately I had to share it with the rest of the world. What follows is my multi-part expose on the present state of “Starbucks Screenwriters.”

Gone are the times when writers sat outside restaurants and bars sucking cigarettes and downing glass after glass of brown liquor, exhausting themselves over their next novel or screenplay. From Hemingway penning  The Sun Also Rises amid cafe hopping among some of the great Parisian cafes of the 1920s, to Diablo Cody scribing “Juno” at a Starbucks inside of a Target, the times are a changin’, my friend. Honest to blog? You have no idea.

Walt Disney gets dethawed and writes new Disney characters at a Starbucks on Melrose.

“It’s a known fact that screenwriting at Starbucks has increased significantly in the past several years, and one of the giveaways is due to the recent barage of screenplays with music written into the script… music from artists like Norah Jones, Paul McCartney, John Mayer, and Feist, Starbucks audio favorites.”

This is what Hollywood producer Thomas Glen (Titanic 2: The Iceberg Takes Manhattan, Rocky VII: The Metameusel Chronicles) had to say about the topic, who I met at a Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, where I was going to scout out local screenwriters and try to get the inside scoop on this recent phenomenon. He was waiting to meet Lindsay Lohan to discuss a future film project, but had just recieved a text saying she’s running a little late, so he granted me a few moments to discuss the state of “Starbucks Screenwriters.”

A budding, novice screenwriter working on prequel to "Freaky Friday", titled "Wacky Wednesday." Currently a work in progress at 600 pages.

“First off, whenever one of our readers gets a script that’s starts with music from the likes of Feist or Lily Allen, we immediately throw that script in the trash. It’s not so much that it’s a bad song from the artist, it’s just we as the industry know that whatever follows is not going to be quality material. It’s obvious the writer has written this screenplay at Starbucks and we know that he or she is just going to be too hopped up on caramel macchiatos to write anything close to coherent.

Mr. Glen than immediately pointed to a man in his early thirties, pounding away at a netbook in the corner by the bathrooms. “See him in the corner? He’s on his third act. See how much he’s shaking rom the caffeine? The script is not going to be consistent.” Thomas than went on to say: “We see it all the time. The scripts start off very slow, and develops a faster pace, then by the end of the second act, the characters are talking ten times as fast as the were in the beginning and scenes last no more than twenty seconds. It’s from the potent mixture of the espresso and the sugary syrups. By “FADE OUT” all the dialogue is ending with exclamation points and the action sentences are just one word fragments. And they don’t even make any sense at that.

Something else noticed by the upper rungs in Hollywood is the amount of scripts coming taking place in a Starbucks. Thomas pointed out several examples of scripts he’s recieved in the past month… “It’s like ‘Snakes on a Plane’ but in a Starbucks. It’s ‘Waiting’ at a Starbucks. It’s ‘Armageddon’ at a Starbucks. See what we have to deal with? When you’ve been living off vegan scones and pumpkin bread for the last five weeks, you’re not in a stable enough mental state to choose what shirt you’re going to wear that day, let alone write a screenplay.

I want these motha fuckin' snakes off my motha fuckin' breakfast sandwich!

Just then, Mr. Glen turned his attention to the door where it was no other than Lindsay Lohan, stumbling inside. Mr. Glen muttered “Fuck my life,” and I extended my hand, thanked him for his time, and swiftly left the table.

Oh, my friends, my investigating as only begun. Stay tuned ’til next week where I interview local Starbucks baristas, assiduous screenwriters, and a special celebrity about the current state of “Starbucks Screenwriters” in Tinseltown.

With no clue on what it’s like being a daughter, I can only imagine that one would miss out on a lot of great advice and lessons, things that can only be passed down from father to son. Male to male. With that said…

In celebration of Father’s Day, I’d like to look back at some of the most important lessons our fathers have taught us… from a male’s perspective:

Where's that mother fucker? He took my car.

“There comes a time in every man’s life where…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know dad. Where he wants to grope his female classmates in gym class.”

“Right. But I just want you to know that it’s prefect naturally. It’s perfectly natural to want to grope your female peers in gym class. And soon enough you’ll get intimate with one of these girls. You’ll be crazed, horny, and hormonal from watching those scandalous music videos… she’ll be jacked up on hormones from the whole milk she’s drinking at lunch… and you two will sneak behind the school yard to her house when her parents are at work. You two will get into her bed and make sex. I just want to make sure you use protection. That’s why I’m giving you this –”

THE MAGNUM CONDOM. Ron Jeremy couldn’t fit into this, let alone your scrawny ass boner. But this is how your father was. Polite. Generous. Optimistic. Optimistic that one day you might be able to fill it with genetically endowed baby-making equipment.

Then came the tips.

“Your mother and I like to do it…”

“Dad, dad. Please. Eww.”

A "D?" In Home Ec, a "D?" I don't raise a son who don't know how to stitch.

All he wanted was to give you a few pointers. He’d picked up a lot of tricks in the past twenty years. And who better to share them with then his own son.

“The key is to stimulate both the — ”

“Okay!”

“Okay.”

It was a delicious, well-thought out transition into the next topic…

While gliding through the confessions of falsity regarding the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Stork, and Santa Clause, your father also had to break the news that it wasn’t ghosts making those moans all those Saturday nights. Somehow he thought this would be less scary than ghosts. Let me tell you it was not.

“Well, tell your economics teacher to go fuck him self,” he’d say. He cared so much about your education.

“I’m going to pull you out of those god forsaken liberal fuck fest of a public school and get you a real education. A private school. Or the military. St. Genevieve’s on Claremont.

He taught you how to trick or treat. How to map out the most economical route through the neighborhood, hitting the most spots in as little time possible…  where to avoid the old ladies’ bag of pennies and how to nail the rich couple who gave out king size candy bars multiple times in the one night, simply by adding accessories to your costume.

Don't touch that. That's Dad's beer. You get your own, son.

He taught you how to catch a fly ball. He taught you how to hit line drives into left center. He taught you that a cup was for protecting your family jewels, not for wearing as a helmet or drinking Sunny-D out of. And these are lessons that invaluable.

It’s these lessons that are cherished and never forgotten.  Things we reminisce on Father’s Day. So, here’s to you, Dad. And thanks to the invention of email… I am finally able to fill up that magnum you gave me oh so long ago. You know what I’m talking about.

Due to the up and coming release of the new iPhone 3.0 software update, I thought I’d delve into some ideas that Apple could and SHOULD use in future iPhone developments:

IPHONE APPS:

HOT GIRL-DAR/GUY-DAR

Tired of being in the club surrounded by butter faces? Where the hell did all the hot girls go? Normally one would mozy around the venue scanning for these beautiful babes, but sadly and consequently, one has to risk looking like a lost loser or a damn right stalker. With this app you can find your beautiful babes while to the unsuspecting bystander you look like you’re simply reading a text or checking your Gmail.

Using cutting edge satelitte and imaging software, this app scans the club, detecting certain attributes about those in attendance…breast size, butt circumference, pec radius, face symmetry, and so on…while giving them a 1-10 point rating. The  point-rating system is for the people who, let’s face it, need a realistic range lower than 9.9-10. Another great thing about this app is that you might be one of those who’s too drunk to tell who’s hot and who’s not. With this app you will never have to walk the plank of shame ever again. Or at least a less shameful plank.

PORN APP:

‘Nuff said. Let’s get mobile.  ALSO…when is iTunes going to carry porno? I mean what the fu** am I supposed to do on this 6 hour flight to Newark?

FOR iPHONE 3.0 UPDATE:

CHEATER-SAVE OPTION

For those at home who left their iPhone at him with their psycho suspicious partner.  With this option, all you would have to do is dial your phone number from any other line, enter your special pass code, then the iPhone will swiftly erase any suspicious, sketchy information you have on your phone ranging all the way from texts, Google searches, web addresses, and emails.

Choose the words and phrases you want erased. Regarding texts, phrases like: “Your house,” “Take you to pleasuretown,” “In the rear,” and “She doesn’t have to know,” might want to be on the list.

Regretable web addresses such as: “TitsRus.com,” “Vaghouse.com,”  and “McCainPalin08.org”

Detestable google searches such as: “Dirty little asian dwarfs,” “Herpes symptoms,” and  “Most common side effects of sex reconstruction surgery.”

Horrifying email subject headings such as: “Those penis pumps you ordered have been backordered…” “Your receipt for Fleshlight – Dark tone,” and “Cheating for dummies.” What? It’s a very complex craft.

Google map searchs such as: “Mr. Grundle’s House O’ fun,” The Smut Factory,” and “The Loin Lair.”
DRUNK TEXT SAVER

Accidently just send a text to your ex-girlfriend telling her you still love her? Well keep drinking, because there’s nothing to worry. With the drunk text saver…a special code on the phone will automatically send information to the reciever’s phone, changing their text immediately to a specified message. I personally recommend: “I was faking it, dick mouth!” Or for the guys: “I was fucking your sister!” Classy.

What Lays Ahead For The Golden Arches?

OAK BROOK, Ill. — Beginning Tuesday, April 7th, all McDonald’s restaurants in the United States will be rolling out new, restructured serving sizes for some of their biggest selling food items. Regarding the portion sizes of their publicly beloved fries, McDonald’s “Medium” will be renamed “Small”, their “Large “will be renamed “Medium,” bringing back their “terminated by guilt” “Super-Size,” McDonald’s will now rename this reinstituted size “Jumbo,” and soon rolling out a new forty ounce fry-tub, the company will call this size “Mammoth.”

McDonald’s will also completely dispose of their small fries size, stating “When you look out an airplane window and the people look like ants, those ants don’t look appealing; they are too small. You don’t want to eat those ants. Even if they were deep-fried in hydrogenated oils you still wouldn’t want them,” a spokesperson told the public.

But it’s not just the fries getting a makeover. McDonald’s most popular burger, the Big-Mac, is also getting revamped. Well known as the burger with two patties separated by a third middle bun and a “secret sauce,” McDonald’s will now add an extra three patties, two buns, and up the secret sauce content from 50 cc to 100 cc. The new “Ginor-Mac” will stand at a whopping eight inches tall and every order will include a refashioned mouth guard that conveniently holds your mouth open wide enough to fit the Ginor-Mac inside.

Thousands of hungry individuals rallied in the streets of several major cities last Friday after the news leaked onto the web by an unknown attendee at the 2009 shareholder’s meeting in Oak Brook, Illinois, McDonald’s Corporation headquarters. Less than two hours after the news broke, one mob of overweight ralliers stampeded into a Krispy Kreme donut shop in a Detroit suburb, stealing multiple tubs of frosting and dumping it on patient customers, then proceeding to douse the store with raspberry jelly.

In Tampa, Florida, a corpulent, forty year old woman waddled down a major intersection during rush hour wearing nothing but a skimpy pool tarp and waving a flag imprinted with the golden arches. Hillsborough County riot police rushed to the scene and after witnessing the perpetrator, quickly blinded themselves with mace.

Although some fans caused havoc, many loyal McDonald’s customers were nothing more than harmlessly joyous of the occasion. Tim Waters, a local mechanic in Washington D.C., told BTH, “This is long overdue. I’ve been writing McDonald’s for years suggesting that they get rid of their smaller sizes. There’s just no need for them. I mean, no one orders just one small fries. It’s not economical.”

Yummy Golden Chemical Sticks

Revealing the new menu revisions was McDonald’s Chief Executive, Jim Skinner. Although the company was scheduled to reveal the news several days later during a prime time television commercial, Mr. Skinner was nonetheless excited by early customer reaction to the leaked news. “I am very pleased with customer reaction. These are hard economic times, and to see that our customer base is nonetheless excited about our size adjustments, “McFlation” as it will be known, shows the amount of loyalty in each and every addicted customer. Wait, I’ve said too much,” speaks CEO Jim Skinner at the shareholders meeting.

America’s youth was ecstatic as well. At a tri-level McDonald’s in Oak Brook, Illinois, hundreds of children crammed into the multi-level PlayPlace celebrating the new Happy Meals, soon to be rolled out as “Happier Meals.” These new kid-sized portions will be essentially the same as the old happy meals, however, the gender-directed play toy will be replaced with a hamburger for boys, and a miniature size Filet-O-Fish for girls.

We were able to speak to one of the joyful children, third-grader Kenneth Shay, as he was putting is shoes in a PlayPlace cubby. “I lyke McDonald’s…iz good. You havz chesseburger?” Kenneth then suddenly collapsed to the floor and proceeded to convulse. In-house McParamedics came to the scene and resuscitated Kenneth, later acknowledging that “This happens from time to time. Too much barbeque sauce.”

For many states with recently enforced nutrition laws—such as those that force caloric information to be put on the ordering menus—this means complete menu overhaul, due to the fact that most menus only have four spaces for caloric content, and with these new sizes, a fifth digit will be needed.

According to CEO Skinner, “Small is so 2003. We like to think of McDonald’s as a progressive company, leading the market with cutting edge innovations. This is just step one of a long journey.” When asked by a shareholder during the Q&A how McDonald’s feels about the current obesity crisis in America and how the company will adapt to this new social climate, Mr. Skinner replied, “Here at McDonald’s we feel that…” Skinner then trailed off with mumbling and quickly exited the room. Following his exit, McDonald’s personnel proceeded to comb the aisles, tossing out free hamburgers to the crowd as sounds of a helicopter crept through the back doors.

"You Going To Finish That?"

We’ll have to wait until April to see if the numbers will parallel the current public excitement, but nonetheless, Chief Exec. Jim Skinner showed us all that McDonald’s Corporation still has many McTricks up its sleeves. One can only feel slightly giddy about the future of this gargantuan corporation and I know all of us are wondering what will be next for the company. Secret sauce injections? Perhaps a Hamburger Island in the Pacific Ocean? The world is your oyster, Mr. Skinner. Crack it open and for all means, deep-fry it.

Flowers Just Don't Cut It Anymore

It’s that time of the year again. That time when we all have to stop thinking about ourselves and give it all up to a higher force. No, I’m not talking about god or the Government. I’m talking about your mother!

Now, mothers care most about the thought and effort put into a gift that they’ll receive on their magical Sunday. Pornographic magazines might make a great gift for your dad on Father’s day, but most mothers would disown you if you gave them pornography (food porn is still acceptable). Sure, most moms would love a gift full of thought, full of love, full of care, but many of us just don’t have good gift-giving ability to please them. Whether it’s because you’re not the creative type or because you destroyed your inherited gift-giving gene with to many Jager bombs during college, you just don’t know how to give a thoughtful gift. Well, don’t fret, there are many wonderful mother’s day gifts on the market today, and there is a gift for every almost type of mom:

For the mother who still has young kids:

Marshmallow Shooter — $19.95

If you have young siblings, odds are your mother has at it up to “there” on a daily basis. They destroy the house. They have the attention span of a bumblebee out of it’s ADD medication. They just flat out annoy the hell out of her. Give her a little stress relief by providing the ability to shoot those little assholes while disguising it as feeding them their favorite snack. The CPS won’t know the difference.

For The Mother Who Likes To Eat:

The 3-In-1 Breakfast Maker — $49.95

This genius device is a toaster oven, non-stick fry pan, and 3-cup coffee maker, ALL IN ONE! For the mom on the go, the mom who doesn’t want to move a muscle, or the mom who doesn’t want to have to leave the bathroom to cook breakfast. Toast such breakfast items as waffles, croissants, and bagels, and grill sausages and eggs, too. Although advertised as a breakfast maker, it can also cook such lunch and dinner items as sandwiches and pizzas. Your mother doesn’t need a kitchen remodel anymore. This is the new portable one!

for the mother who likes to clean:

The ShamWow or Zorbeez — $14.95 / $19.95

Both have unrealistic absorption power. Both have commercials that have eaten at your soul like little satanic ticks. Both have names that would confuse the best of English scholars. Both have interesting spokespersons, one who constantly forgets to wear his hearing-aid and one who, well, looks like a child rapist. It’s your call, but either way, your mother want have to worry about spills for the rest of her life.

for the voyeuristic mother

The Listen Up — $14.95

Your mother can now spy friends, family members, and even strangers with this ultra portable sound amplifier. For the mother who wants to hear the married neighbors fighting late at night about who put what where and why. For the mother who wants to hear what your high school brother is doing with his girlfriend in his room. Calculus homework or coitus? (Both as equally nerve-racking in my opinion) Also perfect for watching mystery stories late at night with the television volume on low.

for the mother who likes to drink:

The Margarator — $99.95

Because a woman who has raised a child needs a drink more than anyone and the Margarator, a frozen margarita machine, helps keep those drinks a pourin’. While keeping drinks cold for up to four hours, it is also equipped with an easy pour spout for straight-to-mouth pouring, perfect for those holiday, family get togethers. It holds up to a gallon of beverage, which is just enough to forget the memories of having to wipe your ass.

FOR THE MOM WHO GETS COLD TOO EASILY

The Slanket or Snuggie — $37.99 / $19.95

The Slanket and the Snuggie might just be the greatest products ever created. Now your mother can be warm and comfortable on the couch while being able to take a quick trip to the supermarket without having to take her blanket off (how many times this has ruined my day, let me tell you…) Also a good gift idea for those mothers who practice Buddhism but don’t want to shell out the cash for a traditional garb in these hard economic times.

For the mother who likes to #*$&

Better Sex Love Potions — $24.95

It’s a known fact that raising a child will lower your sex drive to a level that not even Catholic nuns possess. It’s also non-staining and glycerin-free! Recommended with this product is a George Clooney mask for your father to wear.

–

I hope this has helped everyone decide on the perfect Mothers Day gift. Now go get ‘em, tiger.

Natasha Richardson Alive and Well

MANHATTAN — Doctors at Lennox Hill Hospital in New York City have brought British actress Natasha Richardson back to life, who had been pronounced dead March 18, 2009. Doctors attempted an experimental cardiac defibrillation that has only been attempted on a human subject twice since 2006 at local labs in Long Island, New York. Doctors had tried this procedure on rats and had an only 4% survival rate.

Liam Neeson was told of this procedure by Doctor Samuel Garfield, who was taking care of Mrs. Richardson during her stay at Lennox Hill Hospital after her ski injury at Mont Tremblant resort at Canada. He had told Liam Neeson of this experimental procedure after “…realizing that this would be a perfect, nothing to lose scenario to try it,” Doctor Samuel Garfield told the press. Liam gave him the go-ahead approval to perform the operation on Natasha, which Dr. Samuel Garfield performed himself on Tuesday, March 31, at 11 p.m.

To the layman, this heart defibrillation is basically just a much more severe, intense type of what most people know as basic cardiac defibrillation. It involves a much larger electric current and is sent into the body at different intervals, as well as targeting different areas of the heart. This procedure would instantly kill any living subject, but it was found to restore life to lab rats in 2006 when a Long Island doctor attempted it on a rat that had died in a drug experiment.

Natasha Richardson had fallen on the bunny slope at Mont Termblant resort in Quebec in an attempt to beat up a five-year old snowboarder who had given her a raspberry.

She is currently recovering in Lennox Hill hospital where her husband, Liam Neeson, had been sleeping and drinking heavily in her room before her miraculous recovery Tuesday night. Mr. Neeson and relatives had told the press that Mrs. Richardson was buried in upstate New York, when, in actuality, her body had undergone freezing and was kept safe underground in a perfect state for the procedure. Dr. Garfield told press that it was his idea to have Mrs. Richardson because he was one of the few doctors in the area that was aware of the experimental defibrillation procedure, and he wanted to have the option to try it, after he would supposedly get permission from the hospital to carry out the treatment. Natasha is still unconscious but is expected to wake within the next couple weeks.

Richardson is best known for a Heinz ketchup commercial she did in the late 80s, where she poured ketchup on a burger while the camera visually insinuated that she was pleasuring herself with the bottle.

Stay tuned to BTH for further information.

The Lindsay Lohan economy is booming, her paparazzi affording Cristal, leasing Lamborghinis, and getting an extra scoop of ice cream at 31 flavors. One thing the paparazzi love to get is evidence of Li-Lo sneaking the juice. Here are the top ten voyeuristic illustrations:

The economy must really be in the shitter because Trump is back to host a new season of The Celebrity Apprentice (what, you actually think he likes doing this?). Apparently even his comb-over is held down with credit card debt. At first glance, the celebrity guests look pretty promising: Joan Rivers and Dennis Rodman? That’s more than enough to make me watch. But lets look at the full lineup:

CONTESTANTS

Clint Black Country Music Star	Claudia Jordan Deal or No Deal Model	Tom Green Funny Man / Uni-Baller	Jesse James Motorcycle Man / TV star
Dennis Rodman NBA Star / Crazy Man	Tionne Watlkins TLC's T-Boz	Natalie Gulbis Golf Champion	Annie Duke Poker Champion
Joan Rivers Plastic Surgery Victim	Melissa Rivers Plastic Surgery Victim	Brian McKnight R&B Star	Brande Roderick Playboy Playmate
Scott Hamilton Skater / Uni-Baller	Herschel Walker Former NFL Star	Andrew Dice Clay Comedian	Khloe Kardashian Reality Star

LEAN WIT IT, TRUMP WIT IT

Starting off the premiere episode, Trump decides to speak to the contestants for the first time of the season on the USS Intrepid, an aircraft carrier hovering on the New York Bay. You couldn’t have just met them at a Starbucks? Okay, okay, I get it. You’re Donald Trump. You have your own vodka, your own meat, and apparently some real estate somewhere, or something. You’re also quite the trickster, Mr. T, because after setting such a stern tone on that aircraft carrier you tell the celebrities that their first challenge is to sell nothing other then…cupcakes? As Trump was giving the news I could tell from Tom Green’s face that he had hoped for the first task to be “putting your bums on things.” Putting your bum on things for charity? Screw walking. I want to put my dirty buttox on some asshole’s sparkling Porsche 911 to support breast cancer research. But back to the show…

The task is to bake cupcakes and then peddle them on the street. Whichever team makes the most money wins. Sounds simple doesn’t it? NBC, being the liberal, progressive network that it is, has the girls and boys separate and create two single-gender teams. Traveling to the female side, Joan Rivers decides to be project manager for the women’s team, simply because she is the oldest. “I’m the only one there without a tampon in my pocketbook,” she forces out of her tightly sealed mouth. They pick a team name, “Athena,” which, from my knowledge, is the god of menustration. Over on the men’s team, Herschel Walker chooses to be project manager and suggests “Kotu” as a team name, which I believe in old Japanese means “flaming gay.”

You're so Fucking Fired

The two teams have to decide their selling locations. Joan Rivers gets knocked down by card hustler Annie Duke, Annie telling Joan that the selling location she proposes is a bad idea. Joan tells Annie that her location is best because “I am the wisest. I used to walk the earth with the brontosauruses.” Joan then gives Annie an intense look of hatred, which Joan later confirms in an interview with the crew that “I was trying to smile, but nowadays I’m lucky if I even get a twitch.”

Oh, how it is fine entertainment watching the rich and famous fail at something you learn in your high school home ec class. Someone on the women’s team (I don’t want to name drop, but NATALIE GULBIS) screwed up baking the chocolate cupcakes, making them collapse into themselves while in the oven. The women decide to cover up the mess by calling them “chocolate bombs.” Even more pitiful and on the men’s side, someone forgot to include the sugar in the cupcakes. Smart one, guys. Did you even put flour in it? We’ll see…

The hustle and bustle sales on the street is the same as usual on The Celebrity Apprentice…contestants bring in rich friends, Joan Rivers gets arrested for psychologically abusing a five year old, and Dennis Rodman stays inside the sales van playing a PSP with his pants off.

The women end up winning by a a fairly small margin and Joan’s charity now gets some money. Her charity? Making sure disabled people get dinner. Hmm. You couldn’t have picked something more serious like AIDS in Africa? Or Mothers Against Necking?

BOARDROOM

Delicious Cupcakes

Although most men think project manger Herschel Walker should be fired simply because he’s team leader, Jesse James thinks Dennis should be fired for sitting in the truck the whole time. Dennis stuttered out a response but it was basically indistinguishable. Something about a goose and a refrigerator. Or maybe a fireworks show? This show needs subtitles for this guy. Trump makes Herschel bring two people in. Herschel brings in Rodman and Clay.

Clay says he’s willing to quit and drop out of the show because he doesn’t like cupcakes. Trump doesn’t like this. After the group takes a round of shots of Trump Vodka, Trump tells Andrew Dice Clay “You’re hired. Wait, whoops that’s an F on the cue card. Andrew, you’re fired.” Trump and Clay exchange thank you’s (why, again?) and Clay rides the elevator down and hops in the cab. “West forty-third street. Happy hour table dance specials at Cheetahs Club. And step on it,” he tells the driver. He then lights a cigarette and mumbles to the window.

SHOW VERDICT

Most of the contestants were pretty chill and non-dramatic. This is going to have to change. We’re going to need to see some fist-fights and grammar school namecalling. I want to see Joan River’s face melt to the ground from Dennis Rodman’s fire breath. I want to see Khloe Kardishians slice off Tom Green’s remaining testicle. Hopefully future episodes with contain such moral desolation. The Celebrity Apprentice Season 2 kicks off slightly dull, yet it’s still entertaining. Hopefully it will only get better as the contestants simply get sicker and sicker of each other as the weeks continue.

You might be American if…

10.  When visiting a foreign household without a television, you can’t help but ask “Where is your reality box?”

9. You don’t think eating lunch after brunch is weird.

8. You start panicking when you see a roundabout.

7. You need to make a call to your therapist when you actually have to get out of your car to eat.

6. Your oven broke and you replaced it with a second microwave.

5. The last piece of fruit you touched was a month ago. And it was plastic.

4. When visiting an coffee bar in Rome, you’re confused when the barista doesn’t know how to make a frappucino.

3. You take up All-You-Can-Eat buffets on their word.

2. You talk about Ross and Rachel as if they are real people.

1. You bought a truck to drive up and down mountains like in the commercials…even though you live in the suburbs.