Phone pictures hardly do the experience justice.

I have to apologize to my boyfriends and band crushes, because you are all suddenly and irrevocably paler in comparison.  Finn Andrews and the rest of The Veils have skipped town with my heart and I may not ever recover.  Their show Wednesday July 15th at Spaceland was an experience I’ll not soon forget and I’m doubtful that another band will be able to match it any time soon.

The venue is cozy and I am thankful for that because being 10 feet away from a band is priceless and frankly the only way to see a show.  Giddy, I was bouncing between the standard issue LA Hipsters, too cool to express their excitement…or maybe they just didn’t know what I did.  This show was going to be epic and so what if I look like an ass.

I don’t want to pick the show apart song by song, but rather express what we all want to know about a live band.  The presence is really there and the music needs no studio to survive.

Though presumably touring to promote the new album, the band seemed to care more about what songs they could do justice to in a crowded room and they opened with Not Yet, from “Nux Vomica” and set the tone for the rest of the night: Deliberate.

The intensity was there, no sloppy lyric pushing or intent-less mumble, confirming my suspicions that such a poet would undoubtedly perform so passionately.  Hypnotic.  I was never happier to be sober and staring down the barrel of a gun.  This show would surely obliterate my ability to feel this kind of frightened anticipation again.  Frightened because sooner, rather than later, it would be over.  (**With no desire to imitate, I chuckled when I read the same word used in the LA Times review after writing this, and since we agree, why not emphasize the point rather than re-word it).

The moments between songs always deliver jems, and one of my favorites was Finn’s anecdote for Sit Down By The Fire.  He said that everyone always remarks on how warm and catchy the chorus is, sitting down by a fire…how cozy.  His intent however was not to elicit warm fuzzies but rather to invite us to sit in proximity of the heat of our burning, decaying future and watch it go up in flames.  He was appropriately amused, and it was charming.  As the show progressed the entire, and impressively passionate band was drenched, as were we in gifts.  Bows on guitars, a drummer that I haven’t found a good enough word for yet, Sophia Burn’s presence and Finn, playing every song, almost as if it were his last.  Raging.  Haunting.  I loved these songs before, but they have become new again, as if being poured through a thin psychotropic filter.

Towards the end of the show, Finn addressed the audience expressing his difficulty (ironic for such a Wordsmith) in expressing his sincere gratitude for being able to come and play for us.  I was immediately reminded of the night I witnessed Jazz Bass legend Abraham Laborial Sr. play for a packed club.  Abraham and Finn both throw themselves into their instruments sacrificially as if to serve the greater purpose of passionate expression.  Abraham spoke to us in a similar tone, took some time and explained to the audience what it means for a musician to have the opportunity to play their music to an eager crowd.  He said that when people feel listened to, they feel loved and for musicians, having an audience listen and express their joy is akin to the joy of feeling truly loved and it becomes a reciprocal experience of giving and receiving love.  I can’t do Abraham’s words, nor the moment justice, but Finn, I’m wondering if maybe that’s what you were trying to express?

On behalf of your audience, I can at least confirm that we felt it.

Say what you will about Facebook but like it or hate it, it does have purpose in this world and it is here to stay.  Why do I bring up the Social Networking Titan?  Simple; I have figured out what great good it has done for my life and I now feel the need to justify all those hours that I spend playing Mafia Wars and sending virtual flowers to my friends.

In our increasingly global generation, the utility of Facebook has reunited a great many of us with friends from High School, College or that job you had in another state/country (and man do you miss those people!).  It has enabled us to reconnect with people we genuinely wanted to be reconnected with…as well as the occasional and or rather frequent 200 odd people that we didn’t necessarily need and or want to be reconnected with, but our (my) desire to be polite and likable has lead us to click the accept button on the friend request….then again maybe you’re that charming asshole (and I like assholes, don’t forget) that only accepts the requests from people who are cool enough for you and refuse to let the masses fill up your “friend” space.

That being said, what is the point of reconnecting with lost acquaintances?

It eliminates the need to ever go to a reunion.

Head Cheerleader

Think about it; What do people really get out of reunions?  You run around a gym or hotel for a few hours, tell everyone you recognize (or don’t) what you do, who you married and/or divorced and why your kids drive you crazy, those adorable little devils *wink*.

Well…I don’t want to do that!…and now I don’t have to.  My curiosity about a few people has been satisfied thanks to some emails, a super poke here and there, photo albums and my favorite, a visit to my (or your) city and cocktails courtesy of my knowledge of their being in town via FB.

Your first love

I know who you married, I know what your kids look like and I see that you like to send virtual flowers to save square inches of the Rainforests so your politics haven’t changed much.  Cool!  Now let’s commence with our futures, instead of wondering about our past.  Mysteries solved, case closed, check your homepage for updates if you like, enjoy being more intimately connected to your favorites more than once every 10 years, and don’t waste the plane fair!

Hall Monitor

Let’s not forget Networking!  VIVA networking.  Do you now work in similar fields with people you had something in common with when you were 18?  No surprise really and now you can help each other if you like!  No more drunken business card passing over the open bar which you just end up dropping in the parking lot while you’re screwing your crush from 15 years ago up against a school bus…too far?!  Ok, but you have to admit, Facebook is way better…and dude, Mafia Wars!

Apparently I never got the memo about this sad platform for misguided hope.  Craig’s List Missed Connections is a place where people waiting all their lives for their Sleepless In Seattle moment attempt to reach out, via a post to the mystery person of their dreams.  The one that got away, James Blunt’s beautiful girl on the train.

Now, I don’t want to insult and discourage romantic gestures and sensibilities.  I for one love being swept off of my feet, but for that reason…I’m not checking Missed Connections every day…because…well…I like myself.

Elaborate Spazz?  SURE!  I was lead to this sociology experiment gone horribly wrong after my recent brush with tall dark and destiny at a Starbucks and shaming myself for being too shy to speak to the guy someone said “Hey!  Try Missed Connections!  Maybe he’s trying to find you too”….hmmm. Quickly I run home and push aside my Nora Roberts novels (chya!) and scan Missed Connections for my coffee drinking Romeo, and instead I find a graveyard of hopes and wet dream.

Some of this shit is hysterical, you have to check it out!  My favorites are the blindingly stupid and desperate pleas:

Couple, saw you in line at [Giant Wholesale-CO] and looked at you.  I would love to have a threesome with you, email me!

WOW pal, aside for your audacity, since you didn’t specify which “Giant Wholesale-CO” in the COUNTY you were in, or a time or date…that leaves roughly 30,000 possibilities per hour, none of which are going email your Troll ass for night of hot sex!

Saw you get in your blue Mercedes in the (blah) parking lot, I was in a silver car and thought you were beautiful

…stalker!!!!!

Hey, remember when our cars where next to each other on the 110 and I saw you at 70 miles an hour?  Let’s meet.

Are you fucking kidding me???!!!

What are these people thinking???  I’m not recommending that you chase her down with your car but do you think that the women of the world are waiting for a drive by dating experience?  You thought she was cute?  Great!  At least Hispanic men have the balls to cat call and tell me their cocks are swelling in my presence, YOU on the other hand my friend are hoping the universe will throw you a bone if you post your hopes and dreams with a STRANGER on Craig’s List.

If this was simply a public graveyard of dignity I would probably just leave it alone as I do feel kinda sorry for these poor lonely saps, HOWEVER, some people use it as a forum for other things.  You know those stupid chain letters that you stopped giving a crap about somewhere around the 8th grade?  You know, “Pass this on to 10 friends in the next 10 minutes or your balls and/or boobs will shrivel and no one will ever love you again…that is if that bus doesn’t kill you first”.  Yeah those.  Well people have started pawning off the cosmic responsibility now via Missed Connections.  “Surprise!  You thought I was looking for you!  Now you’re fucked!”…ugh the dregs.

My favorite though, hands down are the people that post their “Why I Broke Up With You” letters instead of actually saying it to someone’s face…like WE care?!  Oh, but there are people at home so lonely and bored that they do, and these strangers…RESPOND!…and give advice!  Great Googley Moogley!  Fuck global warming, let’s keep these people single so they don’t breed!

The real question?  What is the likelihood that a person you were momentarily smitten with is looking for you on Craig’s List too?  People, what did we do before the passive aggressive Missed Connections?  Did we ACTUALLY have to have the balls to speak up?  If you didn’t say anything, like me, you went home and beat yourself up, BUT you should have also learned a lesson.  SPEAK UP DUMBASS!  Nobody really wants to go out with the spine-less anyway so muscle up some cajones and go scare the crap out of that girl at the post office because you like the way she wealds that tape gun.

Catching a friend’s notice on Pandora, this “little” band from London pumping from the speakers was directing my head-bob and feet so I thought, “Hell, why not.  I’ll check my eMusic account”.  Sure enough, they had two albums out and one on the way any day so I scooped up the first two in anticipation of their latest release, and I’m now hooked…forever.

While waiting for the tracks to download, I skipped down the page to eMusic’s nifty little video section to see if there were any video’s that I could take a peek at just in case I hated it and would have to bow my head in mourning for my lost credits.  I clicked on the video for Lavinia and within 30 seconds was checking to see if the track was finished downloading yet because this song was about to change my life forever (as any band that strikes a cord in your heart will).

I Google the band for more intel and discover that Finn Andrews, the front man and only remaining member of the original band was born in England, raised in New Zealand, moved back to London at 17 and formed the first incarnation of The Veils.  After The Runaway Found the band split due to differing opinions about the band’s direction and Fin went out to form the next incarnation of The Veils.

Off of their first album The Runaway Found, the heartbreaking ballad Lavinia ruined my ability to listen to the rest of the album for days, as I couldn’t stop listening to that track on repeat.  Finally, I gave the rest of the album a fighting chance and was pleasantly surprised by the diversity of sounds on the first album.  It feels as though the band is still trying to figure out who they are, but just happen to be good enough for a label right out of the gate.  Andrews being the son of the Barry Andrews, who worked with likes of David Bowie and Brian Eno, some might speculate that it helped get the band’s foot in the door, but needless to say the talent is there and one would think that Finn deserves the credit independently.  The Runaway Found is all over the map, but it works, and it’s diversity becomes a signature for the band.  A young band fronted by a young man, both experiencing a teen-hood of discovery and drama with the inkling of an old soul finding it’s place in the world.  A tremendous Wordsmith, Andrews sculpts stories with apparent ease.

Nux Vomica, their sophomore album made a much clearer statement about the identity of the band and comes racing out of the gate on the first track.  Nux Vomica finds the band and Andrews more mature in sound and constitution, vocally, lyrically and instrumentally.  There seems to be a signature nod amongst all the albums to pop sensibilities and almost a tongue in cheek homage to 60’s style pop, yet the direction of Nux Vomica has a sense of aged, bitter confidence that has it’s own sound but reminds us of everything from The Pogues, Johnny Cash, and Rufus Wainwright.  Gracing some key critics top 10 lists for 2006…many of my fellow Indy nerds and I had still not heard of this band?!  WTF?!

Having spread the wealth and passed out copies to all the people that I knew would love them as I do, we waited, and the third album Sun Gangs was delivered with great anticipation and did not disappoint.  A sadness, fear, and insecurity permeate lyrically as the Veils continue to push the limits of genre.  Reminding me at times of tracks from The Cold War Kids’ Loyalty To Loyalty, The Arcade Fire and Coldplay I still never get the sense that I’m listening to a band that doesn’t easily define it’s self outside of the other bands of the genre.

Sun Gangs may not be the album that shoves them into a deserved spotlight only due to the morose tone of the latter quarter of the album where it looses momentum (but not quality or intensity), but I’ll be happy if I’m wrong!  Finn Andrews appears to have worked very hard to carefully sculpt three critically successful albums and regardless of the level of fame they achieve, the band and Andrews will easily be remembered by those in the know as one of the most under appreciated efforts of their time.

The Spazz’s Fav’s:

The Runaway Found:

Lavinia, More Heat Than Light, Talk Down The Girl, Guiding Light

Nux Vomica

Not Yet, Advice For Young Mothers To Be, Under The Folding Branches, Pan

Sun Gangs

The House She Lived In, Sit Down By The Fire, The Letter, It Hits Deeper, Sun Gangs

I thought The Prodigy had fallen into obscurity, but lucky for my work-out they are back and still kickin’.  Taking a page from a whole host of other bands including Depeche Mode who hunted down the old equipment they used on their first few albums and ACDJ’s album 80’s Electronic which was comprised mostly of video game samples, ancient electronic bleeps and throwback late 80’s early 90’s tunes; the beats in this album could be considered an homage to the beginnings of digital music peppering, each track with a nugget of old school electronic beats. The title makes it sound more like a video game than an album.

The first track follows right into that theme with a song that, arguably sounds more to me like the soundtrack to a racing game, but none the less has the early electronic feel with old video game style bleeps and noises that I’m only sorry to say I don’t have the nerd vocabulary to appropriately describe.  This is not to say that it doesn’t still contain elements of their signature style with racing, thumping beats but the tone is different.  The previous album had a hostile fury that felt almost angry, whereas the current album has a lightness to it, maybe not taking itself as seriously.  There are dance tunes and more vocals, some female that hail memories of the early house divas that inspired so many drag queens across the globe.

On the subject of funny track names, my favorite would have to be track 5, Take Me To The Hospital which only leads one to the question  “Why?  Because you’re so iiillllllll?!  Are the beats so sick?  Are they just crazy?!!!!”…sorry couldn’t resist the joke but I would have loved to be in on the naming conversation.

I dig the album; it’s great for a workout but I didn’t like driving to it as much as the previous album. That could have something to do with the fact that now that I live in LA, most of my driving is in traffic, instead of open roads that let me speed through Smack My Bitch Up.  You certainly can’t sit in rush hour traffic listening to this album, or you might start thinking like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

Favorite Tracks:
Run With The Wolves
Take Me To Hospital

FYI: This album is an independent release and can be acquired on eMusic if you have a subscription, which I highly recommend.

I will preface all of this by stating that you might have to be a basket case to appreciate how beautiful this album is.  I’m not sure, because I was a mess when I downloaded it and it knocked me off my feet it was so good.  Good in this case is defined by the amount of times it allows the heartbroken to identify through gobs of tissues not only with the words but with the haunting instrumentals.  If you do love and appreciate the Female Singer Songwriter genre and appreciate Tori Amos, Sia, Shelby Lynne and Sarah McLachlan, etc.  then you should be able to appreciate this album at any time.

I can be objective to say yes, it’s a gorgeous album regardless of your state of mind, but you might not want to listen to it if you’re in a good mood.  Music fans has an arsenal full of albums that they only listen to when they’re heart is breaking, and this one is no doubt, a contender.

Her sophomore effort, released at the end of 2008, it appears much stronger than her first album, though I will admit, I don’t have it and only skimmed through it  (I loved the single Be Be Your Love and stopped there, shame on me).  The new album begins with Elephants, clearly setting the tone for the rest of the experience which is deliberately timed and there in lies it genius and efficacy.  Elephants is possibly the most gut wrenching song on the album and gets your emotions flowing quickly and angrily, without which, possibly you might not appreciate the rest of the album as much?  A genius device perhaps, and it works.  The caveat to all lovers is delivered:

“So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night”

and thus the album begins.

The journey takes a detour to tell a story or two, then swoops back in with one of my favorites, Sunday Afternoon, much like initial denial, and drops you head first into every feeling with rich and deliberate instrumental choices and it’s wildly cathartic.  The wallowing picks back up with a duet with Ray Lamontagne appropriately titled Duet; The lovers journey of considering a return.

Memories return:

Over and Over:

“I really thought I was just fine, but when I woke this time, there was nothing to take me back to sleep, to take you off my mind…”

Brown Eyes:

“Old love, how I wish we were an old love, and survived all this and more, Oh, you’re turning everything to dust, And the wind is picking up…”

Acceptance creeps in:

Horizon:

“Something had died yet everything around kept turning, don’t even know where you are.  Somewhere along the line we lost the horizon”.

The Only Fault: A solo acoustic guitar with a side of bitter acceptance.

The album however, does not end there. Uncharacteristically, Yamagata tries her hand at a sound she has not yet recorded.  She excels at the sounds of misery, but angst with a potentially pop-y beat?  I didn’t expect this.  The angst continues through this segment and though at first listen it may appear as though she’s trying to tack an EP of new sounds at the end of this album, upon further listening, it confirms and continues the initial path of the album.

A variety of Electric Guitars and a traveling rhythm deliver Sidedish Friend, with the feel of a contemporary Voice’s Cary by Aimee Mann (ok fine,Til’ Tuesday) .

Accident is more of a social commentary about celebrity couples who dissolve before our eyes, victims of their own making.  It’s poignant but a distraction that I thought was oddly placed and would have bade a better B side, but whatever.

Faster: More ex-angst with guitars and drums and mic filters for grunginess, but I like it, it’s hot.

Pause The Tragic Ending: Well put together, a seemingly campy delivery of the ballad of the musician that takes your heart, puts it in a song, and goes back home to his girl.  Ouch.

Don’t: A bitter, bluesy stumble through a smoky bar that conjures all kinds of visuals.

“I can even scores with the best of them, I can leave my innocence at bay.
You can turn your back on my sincerity, but don’t fuck me in front of me.”

…wow, love it!

To any fans of the female singer songwriter who refuses to be happy (and there are plenty! ) this album is a smart purchase.  You won’t have to skip around much.  It really is a breathtaking album and shouldn’t be skipped but rather, digested.

Check out her homepage www.rachaelyamagata.com to get an ear-full of Elephants, Sunday Afternoon and Side Dish Friend. Check out the video for Sunday Afternoon below.

Image courtesy of buytaert.net

So I’m an Actor living in Los Angeles and Celebrity sightings are just something that happen, and as an Actor, you know perfectly well that they are just regular, screwed up people just like everyone else, only thrust into extraordinary circumstances.  They have people that they look up to in the same way and in that regard are no different from the rest of us.

My first Celebrity sighting was Lawrence Fishburne at a stoplight in Pasadena and even then, I barely flinched.  He’s just a normal giant sized guy crammed into a little sports car.  No biggie!  There are even a few of my inner Nerd’s Hero’s that I have come to meet and managed to hold it together and not mention how awesome I think they are as I puddle myself.  High five, go me…nothing more embarrassing in this town…except maybe…nah, nothing.

I don’t, I repeat, DON’T camp out in coffee shops composing my latest screenplay, sucking on java praying that someone cooler than me walks in the door…but the other day, it happened.  I could be cool and keep this bit of embarrassment to myself, though cool has never been my forte’.

I went to Starbucks on Monday because my stolen WiFi was crapping out as usual and I had things to do, so I put on my finest baseball cap and the most sultry pair of sweatpants in my closet and camped out in a corner for a little under an hour before my parking arrangement expired when the universe tugged on my ear and inexplicably bade me turn my head.  There he stood, a man I would recognize anywhere and the way he casually teetered on his Chuck Taylors as he waited to order his coffee just melted my inner 20-year-old’s heart.  A long time crush of the heart and of the craft was right there in front of me, and I smiled.

“What do I do?”…well that’s a dumb question!  You fucking sit there and drink your coffee and mind your own business, that’s what you do.  Stupid girl, leave the man in peace and don’t, whatever you do, rush over there and tell him how much you respect his entire body of work above a great many Actors…period.  He just wants to be left alone.

Eye contact!  Ah!!!  I wasn’t supposed to do that…fuck!  Look down and continue to type.   Don’t…don’t…DON’T!  Ah!  You looked!  Now he’s putting on his sunglasses in that “Uh oh, people recognize me” way.  LOOSER!  I’m such a fucking looser.  I’ll just wait until he leaves so I can catch a quick look at his butt as he walks out the door (come on, we all do it!).  BUSTED!  He turns his head to look then waltzes out the door.  Safe, at last, from myself…or am I?

Thirty seconds later he walks back in the door.  Must have forgotten something…in the chair directly across the room from me?!  Sits down.  Sunglasses off and does almost nothing for what feels like an eternity.  Fiddles with his phone, picks at his muffin and I swear to you, looks at me…a few times.  Is he flirting with me?? I smile because I’m flattered at the mere prospect and hide behind my laptop like kids hide from monsters under their bed sheets and attempted to look busy, probably making an ass of myself in the process.

What do you do?!  The layers are infinite.  Do you work up the courage to walk across the room and hope that while hitting on a person that is probably only flirting with you in your own minds eye whilst wearing your sweatpants that he doesn’t look at you like your totally insane and call the brut squad?  Would I (I?) walk up to “just some guy” I thought was cute at Starbucks and hit on him?  No, I don’t do that, ever.  They come to me and I look at them like I don’t speak English.  So why make an exception?

Maybe the fact that he walked out 10 minutes later and I wished that I HAD worked up the courage to do so is why.  As a few people have posed the question to me, “What did I have to loose?”  Well, other than my dignity, which I have been saying all week, whatever that really means.  What’s wrong with being bold in the face of uncertainty and almost assured rejection?  Really?  Yes I am newly single and had no intention of seeing new people, but life is so short and when something makes you flutter like that, shouldn’t we all just go for it even if the whole thing turns out to be a bust?  I think maybe we should.  Better luck next time, if there is ever a next time.  (Wow that sounds awfully glass half empty now doesn’t it?!  Blah!)

In response to some of my friends from College and High School getting nostalgic in the last year and posting old photos on Facebook for us all to giggle at, I recently visited my parents, dug out my old albums and put some up myself.  Okay, so I was lucky enough to be cute in High School though I don’t consider my tenure there to be by any means my glory days. Suffice to say the memories are not traumatizing, nor are the pictures.  I understand very well that anyone worth talking to suffers from their own version of Ugly Duckling Syndrome, but I have come across a surprising amount of people on Facebook who were not too pleased with having goofy old photo’s of themselves posted for the stalkerific world of Facebook to see.

I am not vindictive.  I did not find pictures that make others look terrible and me fabulous.  We all look just as adorable dorky as we did in those days, yet people are apparently finding the display of these photos embarrassing beyond recovery.  Ok folks, seriously, can ANYONE say that they are not on some level embarrassed by how silly they look in pictures taken over 10 years ago?  Your clothes are all out of style, maybe the hairstyle was an unfortunate by-product of the times and why the hell were you making that silly face? I GET IT!  SO FUCKING WHAT?!  By now, if you have indeed reinvented yourself to appear infinitely cooler than you were then, the fact remains that once we were ALL that young and stupid looking and no amount of personal re-invention will change that.  We all listened to the music that was available to us, wore what was handy, and didn’t have a freakin’ clue what the world was really about.  None of us.

Cortesy of a lovely lady @ musingsofahousewife.typepad.com

Afraid that the person you are flirting with via Facebook will see those photos and think “Wow!  You were once WAY less awesome than your current guarded exterior is allowing me to see.  Game OVER!”…I don’t think so.  Again, they’ve been there too.  If indeed the picture of you with acne in that crazy dated prom ensemble makes them second guess their proximity to you and your actual level of cool than (A.  They have no idea what cool really is and (B. I just did you a MASSIVE favor and saved you from a frighteningly shallow douche-bag.  “But Spazz, I’m trying in the process of my reinvention to bag the big fish and don’t care if they suck as long as I get some comfort”…okay…then close your Facebook account, spend all your time licking their boots and then shoot yourself squarely in the face because you were cooler in High School.

Courtesy of another lovely lady...mamalikestojitterbug.typepad.com

We are all a product of our experiences and chosen paths.  No amount of new haircuts, occupational stability, lost or gained weight and new and healthy families or relationships will make those years go away so embrace the ridiculousness of it all and have a good laugh.  In my quest for a better understanding of myself I have learned that ignoring things only stunts my progress.  I don’t currently dwell on the past, but I recognize it’s effect on who I’ve become and knowing that has made moving forward so much easier.  Maybe for some people, the memories are actually painful.  Maybe you were hiding something all those years and choose not to think about them because it really is painful.  Okay fine, take off the picture tag, but if you have unresolved issues at the 28-30ish juncture in your life, I recommend resolving them for your own sake.  Don’t feel like tackling your demons?  Well then un-friend all the people you knew way back when, stop spying on our lives from your ivory tower and get on with your brand new identity.  Reading our status updates everyday isn’t going to help you with that fools errand.

Do you honestly think that the Bay City Rollers look at this pic and say "WOW! Sssexy!"

I love Southwest Airlines.  I’m gonna get on my proverbial mountain top and say it again!  I love Southwest Airlines!!!!  I am not a professional flyer necessarily but I have flown round-trip an average of 2 and a half times a year for the last 8-10 years so by now I certainly know my way around an airplane and airport security.  Since flying has changed so much from the days when your sweetheart could play tonsil hockey with you all the way to the gate there’s been a significant increase in the amount of stress that the average flyer must endure.

As a result of added stress and bad flying luck, which I have in spades, I assure you, I have developed what I’m sure is a condition in a book somewhere.  I hate to fly.  I don’t hate the actual act of flying, I like heights and being in a moving plane is quite comforting, however the process of getting in the air can be so nerve-wracking that I sometimes question weather or not I should ever leave home.

Take my shoes off, take my laptop out, take my belt off, find earplugs for inevitable screaming baby, find food that looks like it won’t destroy my digestive system while in the air, wade around the people who don’t know how to fly and clog up security, don’t loose my ticket or ID in the process (don’t laugh I got the lanyard thing), walk to either the very first or very last terminal 8 miles from the airport entrance, find a place to sit next to someone that won’t try to expel their life story to me so I can put on my headphones and wait for the sweet relief of air-travel.  Anyone else need a Quaalude!?  I have found one very effective method of alleviating my airline stress.  I fly Southwest.

Now some of you people with a lot of that green stuff might turn your nose up at my choice, but frankly…go right ahead.  By all means, pay more to sit on another plane with less room to move (unless you’re in biz or 1st class) so I don’t have to breath your smug.  Those of you who don’t fly very often may not be privy to the very simple changes that Southwest has made in order to become a more user friendly airline.

Gone are the days of lining up like suicidal cattle.  Now we have a numbered place in line and our choice of seats once on the bird to paradise…or Cleveland.  “But I need a window seat!”…well then, check in online 24 hours before your flight within 5 minutes of the departure time.  “But I need a meal when I fly!”  Good luck!  Welcome to our nuvo-depression, no one serves those anymore.  “Pillows?”…nope, not anymore.

If you’re like me then you check your bags, sit in the back (since you’ll have to wait for your bags anyway)  and chose an isle seat, because you’ll have to pee every 30 minutes, but you’ll be right next to it and won’t have to crawl over your fellow travelers.  Pop a Tylenol PM and have a nappy-poo and trust that your flight will most likely be on time, your connections will be made and your luggage will be there waiting for you.  If not, rest assured that some natural disaster has occurred and no other airline could do better…and probably won’t.

Still don’t think SW is the best option for you?  Ask me about all the times American Airlines lost my luggage ( 3, and I’ve only flown with them 5 times).  Ask me about the time they reassigned my gate 3 times in an hour and a half, without making any announcements and then gave away mine and 5 other seats 20 minutes before take off.   OH!  Or how about the time I was stranded at JFK September 15th 2001 (you do the math) having been stuck in Paris while my country was under siege and told that I (and the several thousand other ticket holders who’s flights were canceled when international airspace was closed) couldn’t fly home to my mom because my flight number wasn’t valid anymore….???!!!!

Don’t like horror movies?  How about a hero’s tale?  Ask me about the Southwest Pilot that refused to take off until I could fly on his plane and get to bed after spending a night in the St. Louis airport due to tornados.  He had a half full plane and just wanted to get me home, airline bureaucracy be damned.  He and all the flight attendants stood their ground and I got home…to soaking wet luggage…damn it!  Their flight attendants are always happy, because they know they have a great job.  They work for a smart company that bought fuel at a surplus when they knew it would be advantageous and give us the cheapest flights possible, and will do so as long as they can…because this economy needs it.  Other airlines are taking away amenities right and left to try and survive the crunch but Southwest still gives us blankets, pillows and snack-packs.  Need more than that?  Fine, go get it, and stop taking up space on my economically responsible airplane.

I have a great TV that I haven’t turned on in a year.  I don’t have cable because I like food better and I have a life so watching on someone’s else’s schedule just seems stupid to me so I watch almost all of my shows online.

I try not to steal it because all us artists need to eat but some networks make it damn near impossible which begs the question;  In this fabulous age of “Give me that and give it to me now” – click – “Got it”, WHY aren’t all the networks getting wise, and putting all their goods on-line and making it easy for me to love their shows?! I have a job to do here after all.  I must watch TV…for you…be grateful…it’s a hard knock life.

I like to think of the major networks as potentially hot dates.  Wanna know who’s givin’ up the goods, who’s reading The Rules and fooling themselves and who’s just as ugly as a $2 whore?  Thought you might.

ABC.com

Image courtesy of ABC.com

I began my on-line television love affair at ABC.com so I’m a little biased.  Their player requires a simple download but it doesn’t take up any space and it provides access to HD quality viewing.  All their prime time shows are available, sometimes 4 episodes at a time and sometimes full seasons but as long as you check in once a month, you can easily enjoy the whole season (which in fairness can be said about most networks).  The only feature I don’t like is that after the obligatory commercial breaks, they make you click play to continue, which puts a kink in my desire to lay back and watch uninterrupted.  If it weren’t for ABC streaming, I would never have fallen in love with Eli Stone…only to watch it end…*sigh*

Spazz Rating: Those are some classy shoes.  Wanna Fuck?

CBS.com

Lewis Smith on CSI: Miami. That's a sexy MF! Grrrr! Image courtesy of CBS.com

Ugh!  What is wrong with CBS?!  Okay, so everyone LOVES the crime dramas and thanks for carrying the sit-com torch, really I love them but what is the deal?!  I couldn’t get any episodes to work on my network after days of trying in a “private viewing room” (their page design is obviously weak) so I had to watch one in a group chat room which picks up where ever the group is watching…eewwww!  Are you fucking kidding me?  If I wanted to talk to someone while I watch TV I would go to my grandmothers house.  It freezes constantly but that should be worth the wait since they let you throw virtual tomatoes and all kinds of crap at the screen. It’s almost like they know how mad I am at this point.  It took me forever just to figure out how to download an episode…and now it’s not working.  I threw one tomato and then I went back to ABC.   My network connection may not be the strongest…but I’m not the only one and all the other sites work.

Spazz Rating: Stuck Up, well dressed Cock Tease who assumes we want to talk about her…nobody likes a tease.

NBC.com

Image courtesy of NBC.com

Me likey NBC!  They have several shows that I run to watch and their site is exceptionally user friendly, easy to navigate and gives you plenty of content to keep you more than entertained.  The amount of episodes vary by show but they have highlight clips posted for all current, and for some, previous season shows, to give you a taste of what you missed before the episodes available.  They’re not teasers but individual scenes, still, it helps.  The highlights are fun too if you just have a little time to kill in an airport and don’t have time to get engrossed.  Each show gets viewing page of it’s own design and the episodes glide from commercial to segment, unlike ABC which is nice.

You can also watch old school NBC classics like the original Battlestar Gallactica and Buck Rodgers which cycle seasons and episodes much like On Demand does.  FUN!!!

Spazz Rating: Sexy, Smart, an animal in the sack and a rockin’ good time.  The perfect rendezvous.

FOX.com

Image courtesy of Fox.com

Fucked!  I just erased and started over.  I had watched Fringe on their site and being new I guess they were trying to cultivate an audience for it so they put all the episodes up.  That’s not the case with most if not all of the other shows, there is no rhyme and Fox never appears to have a good REASON for anything so I’m going to stop expecting that there is one.  Some shows have many episodes but the chronology is whacked, skipping whole episodes.  Some shows give you lot’s of season highlight clips, some none.

I can understand why they would put more effort into the shows that are selling…but maybe attempt to generate some interest in other shows if they’re NOT and show me SOMETHING!  The videos take some time to start and they always immediately begin with the most recent episode without asking you which frankly is obnoxious and treats the viewer like an idiot.  If you watch every week, I think you might be okay, but if you don’t you’ll watch what they tell you to watch damn it!  Oh, and don’t try to tune-in to House every week for a recent show.  They wait 8 days after the episode airs to post that sucker…WHY?!

If funding is a problem, they could always siphon some of the free millions they will make off of The Watchmen…Cock suckers.

Spazz Rating: If this were a first date I would “go to the restroom” during dessert and leave this ass-munch to rot.

CWtv.com

Sam Witwer is yummy Image courtesy of CWtv.com

The page @ the CW (nick name: See Dub) is very user friendly but they don’t give you much.  At max any of their shows have 4 episodes available but at least they appear to be in order, though they only show them by title instead of number so they may have me snowed.  I’ve only ever watched individual episodes of some of their shows.  Either a friend of mine was on a show or because other friends tied me to a couch and made me watch them (please someone untie me!  I can’t watch another episode of Smallville unless Sam Witwer is on it!).  I can’t say I’m a fan of many of their shows (though Supernatural is pretty cool) but they do give you lots of goodies like cast interviews and inside looks which actually make me more intrigued to stay and keep watching.

Spazz Rating: It started as a Pity Fuck…but now they’re growing on me…in a good way.

Post Date Night Summary over Brunch:

I get the whole “why show me everything, when I could tune in and make their sponsors happy?”  and my answer is simple…You have no power over me.  If I can log-on on my own time and check out what you’ve got, awesome!  I’ll dig it, I’ll spread the word and other people WILL watch it on a television.  I however am a very busy girl and if you want to entertain me, you’ll do it on my time…though I guess I’m not their target audience now am I.  Maybe that’s why only a few of them want me?  Oh but let me assure you, those are the only guys I’m gonna get in bed with anyway.

I can only hope for your sake that you have as much self-respect.