In a world where no one can say anything without wordplay that boggles the mind, it’s no surprise that readers think that William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy when it is clearly not. Romeo and Juliet is a story about how sometimes the best possible outcome involves a couple of deaths. Just in time for Valentine’s, here is my analysis of Romeo and Juliet.

The story begins with two warring factions, the Montagues and the Capulets. These two families fight each other constantly, terrorize fair Verona, and ultimately cause more damage to property and life than Prince Escalus, the ruler of Verona, is prepared to tolerate. Escalus warns the two families that if they continue to fight, he’s going to lay the smack down.

Neither Gaston nor Romeo can read, but man are they hot.

Meanwhile, a young boy named Romeo is busy being emo. He, much like Barney Stinson, has used every trick in the book in order to try to win the heart of Rosaline, who is apparently super hot. Benvolio, Emo-meos cousin, comes up to him and says, “There be hotter bitches, yo.” He’s right. Unfortunately they’re all at a party held by the enemy. It is there that Romeo sees someone even hotter than Rosaline and falls helplessly in lust. This is Juliet. At this point, Romeo puts on his best Gaston impression and says, “In the world there’s only she, as beautiful as me, and that is why I have to marry Belle…er Juliet.” Fortunately for Romeo, Juliet has lived a sheltered life and falls for the first trick Romeo throws at her.

Long story short, they get married and kill themselves when they can’t be together, despite excellent planning that would’ve allowed them to live happily ever after had they not been so impulsive and killed themselves. This is where people tend to think this whole thing is a tragedy. Here’s why it’s not.

First, you have to consider who you’re really looking at with Romeo. You never feel bad when Barney Stinson doesn’t corrupt a young virgin. You definitely don’t feel bad at the end of Beauty and the Beast when Gaston dies. Most importantly, you never feel bad when an emo kid suicides. After all, it’s their greatest joy in life.

I know we've just met, but would you fancy my penis in your vagina?

Juliet is almost as bad. The entire play she just talks about how she wants to get laid. Seriously. Read it again if you don’t remember that part. She talks about how she wants all of Romeo’s parts, specifically his penis. After she gets married, she makes a comment about how she’s paid for but unused. Not to mention the amount of time she spends drooling over his looks. The chick really needs to get some. Maybe the tragedy is that she was a princess and not a hooker.

Next, there’s this idea that it is a tragedy because two lovers died. After all, they were so much in love, right? Not really. They knew each other for 10 minutes before they decided that they were meant to be. I’m no expert, but that’s unhealthy relationship behavior. Plus, they just liked each other because they were the hottest people in the room. That’s not necessarily a bad reason to like a person, but it’s far from tragedy when that couple breaks up.

In any case, the reason it’s an ideal situation is this: let’s assume that Romeo and Juliet had managed to get together and stay alive. When they finally realized that they didn’t actually like each other but were highly in lust, they would’ve divorced. Now, the Capulets and Montagues don’t precisely get along to begin with. When they break up, the city would’ve fallen into more chaos than ever before. Not only that, but the death of Romeo and Juliet actually spurred the two to work together. For the little people of Verona, this was the happiest day ever. No more did they have to be wary of fights between two retarded families. They could finally live in peace, and everyone learned a valuable lesson: When emo kids die, everyone prospers.

Personally, I think the whole thing was set up by Prince Escalus. He knew that Romeo and Mercutio, a relative of the Capulets, were good friends. It was just a matter of convincing Benvolio, who always wants to keep the peace, to get Romeo to meet Juliet. Kind’ve puts Benvolio’s comment about hot bitches into perspective, doesn’t it? After that, you find a way to get Romeo banished, convince the priest to set up a ridiculous plan to make Juliet want to kill herself, and never send a letter to tell Romeo what’s going on. Star-crossed lovers die. The rest of the town lives in peace. Tragedy? I think not.

P.S. Juliet Capulet is a stupid name.

P.P.S.

Ted Mosby: “Hey Romeo, if you try to get with Juliet, the Prince of Cats will kill you.”

Romeo Stinson: “Challenge accepted!”

Anyone who has been watching the news will be aware of two things: Jerry Brown called Meg Whitman a whore, and if you call any woman a whore, including a woman who has sold her “services” for money, you are calling every woman a whore. According to Meg Whitman, all women are whores at heart, but this thought process astounds me, especially when we consider a very important point: men can be whores too. You’d think given the newest scandal, Meg Whitman would know this best.

What you probably haven’t heard is that Meg Whitman was caught with an illegal immigrant whore. Of course, Meg Whitman is a key proponent of deporting all illegals, except for the ones that she is using. But, this time it gets better. Not only has she recently been caught with English football (soccer for the Americans) star, David Beckham, but her history of using illegal immigrants as prostitutes ranges a long way back, with the first being Barack Obama. Don’t believe me? It makes perfect sense.

The story begins with the birth of the future president in his native country, Kenya. Since Obama’s birth certificate has yet to be found, we know for a fact that he is not American. Unfortunately for his future Kenyan political career, Obama’s parents claimed that he was American. He was swiftly deported from Kenya to live on the harsh streets of Hawaii, where he was forced to attend the most prestigious schools. ACORN, of course, provided him with the fake documentation to continue to live in America, in exchange for his continued democratic vote.

Anyway, Obama manages to fight off the trials of school and meets Meg Whitman. Meg Whitman, who is a trillionaire, wanted some of the future president’s …epic(pe)ness. Unbeknownst to future Republican candidate Carl Paladino, Michelle was Obama’s pimp, and Obama was the whore.  Role reversal. Whatever. In any case, this was the first instance of Whitman employing an illegal immigrant and the reason she should know that men can be whores. 

Does this story have any truth in it? How did the magic bullet hit JFK? With voter apathy at an all time low, let’s be realistic. The people these stories appeal to don’t even vote.

If you aren’t aware of Pokemon, then you’re further out of the loop than I am, and I’m talking about something that seems as if it hasn’t been relevant in years. But as social networking has become the most important thing ever, the metaphor that Pokemon has so profoundly explored becomes more and more impressive. What am I talking about? I’ll explain.

Gotta Catch ‘Em All

The Pokeball is the standard method of catching Pokemon.

The basic premise of Pokemon is that you “Gotta catch ‘em all”. This, oddly enough, is the same premise with social networking. The more friends you have, the more people who like what you’re promoting, or the more people that comment on your status updates, the better. The more different types of people, mindsets, and backgrounds you have, the more likely it is that you will reach someone who understands you, wants what you are selling, or can provide assistance in a situation. Pokemon knew this before Myspace was even theorized.

The Pokedex

Now, you have lots of Pokemon, but that’s not very helpful without some form of organization. To combat this, Pokemon gave us something called a Pokedex. It has random bits of information about each of the Pokemon, such as their weight, size, and type. Myspace and Facebook have similar things called profiles. People fill out these profiles and say their age, professions, relationship status, likes, dislikes, etc. This allows you to know who you are targeting or which Pokemon to use in any given situation.

But you can only use six

Seriously, Magikarp does nothing.

Pokemon originally had 150 types of creatures that you could catch, but you were restricted to using six at any given time. Originally we thought that this was because the scope of the game would be obscene if you could use all 150 at once, but that wasn’t it at all. Pokemon was creating a top list. Social networking sites mirrored this later. Myspace, for example, originally allowed you to pick eight friends that would be listed as your top friends. Why would they do that? It seems like you’re just isolating all of your other Pokemon. But, it makes sense. Just as with your real life friends, experience is only gained when a Pokemon is used in battle, and you learn to trust, love, and depend on specific Pokemon. When you choose your six Pokemon, or your eight Myspace Pokemon, you’re really just saying that these are the friends you trust to fight for you. Sometimes, you change up the order because you hope that another Pokemon can become useful. Sometimes, your friends are just Magikarps (Pokemon #129)that refuse to evolve and can only use splash.

A metaphor for friendship

It’s not just a metaphor for social networking. It’s a metaphor for friendship. You should go out and catch ‘em all. Catch all the friends you can, because sometimes a lame Pokemon like Metapod will evolve into Butterfree, and then you win the game. Sometimes your worst enemies become your best friends. And sometimes, if you’re really lucky, one of your Pokemon will make you peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.

There are many types of sandwiches. Among them are the almighty Subway five dollar footlong, the toasty Quiznos, and the harder to find TOGO’S. As a poor person who doesn’t want to eat at McDonald’s everyday, I find sandwiches to be an ideal lunch meal. As such, I have my favorite restaurants, and even my favorite locations within the same chain. These favorites are based on many factors, including how attracted I am to the sandwich artists. But among sandwich chains, there is one that stands out above the rest, and that is ThunderCloud Subs.

Quiznos might be my least favorite of all the sandwich shops. The sandwiches are mediocre, yet priced high enough to suggest they are good. Quiznos is like the Apple of sandwich shops. It is selling you a brand name, an iSandwich if you will. It’s no better than many other sandwiches, and actually fails in many areas, but your friends will know you’re better than them if you eat it.

Subway is the staple of sandwiches, against which all other sandwiches can be judged. When you’re looking for a medium quality sandwich and a medium quality price, this is where you go. The five dollar footlong isn’t overly phenomenal, except that it is a foot of sandwich for five dollars, which is amazing.

TOGO’S is an angry sandwich. You can tell because they like to capitalize the letters in their name. The quality is going to be a bit better than Subway, and the price is going to be a little more. That being said, there’s a good chance there isn’t one near where you’re working and you’ll be going to Subway.

Enter the ThunderCloud. It is not often that I am entranced by a sandwich. In fact, until I went to ThunderCloud Subs, it hadn’t happened at all. I had been visiting a friend in Austin, and he was on his lunch break. By chance, he happened to work next to this glorious sandwich shop and suggested we eat there. The meatball sandwich was on special, a large for $3. Well, okay. I like meatball sandwiches and for $3, I’m not going to complain. The sandwich artists were friendly, and the choices in sandwich were what you would normally expect. I had them make my very inexpensive meatball sandwich and took a bite. Immediately my mouth was filled with the dreams of angels, for this sandwich was unlike any sandwich I had ever experienced, and this was a very good thing. There was simply a miraculous quality to the ingredients that made for the ultimate meatball sub. I cannot speak for the other sandwiches, though I hear they are delicious as well, but this sandwich destroyed any chance that I could ever enjoy a Subway Meatball Marinara again.

ThunderCloud Subs is surprisingly delicious for a sandwich chain, and also fairly inexpensive.

Unfortunately, this sandwich cannot be consumed on a regular basis, for me at least. While the price for the sandwich when it is not on special is still reasonable, ThunderCloud Subs only exists in Austin, Texas, and I live in California. That being said, every time I visit, I make sure to stop by, and every time the sandwich astounds me. I know what I am getting into, but each time I rediscover the near orgasmic deliciousness of the ThunderCloud. I highly suggest if you are in the area that you check it out.

Gamers everywhere are outraged as the United States government bans Starcraft II (SC2), the much-anticipated sequel to Starcraft. One of the most beloved real time strategy games of all time, Starcraft has had extreme success since its original release in 1998. Since then, gamers have been awaiting Starcraft II, which was scheduled to release on July 27, 2010. However, given the current economic crisis, Washington decided that it would be improper to allow the release of what could possibly be a World of Warcraft (WoW) killer. World of Warcraft, is of course, the most popular Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) in the world.

People have been waiting 12 years for this game.

Blizzard Entertainment is known for producing the highest quality games, and is considered the only company that can release a game that might destroy the World of Warcraft. Oddly enough, they are also the creator of WoW, which leads to some interesting economic questions. Since Blizzard will be raking in money for either SC2 or WoW, why is it a big deal that they are potentially killing one of their games with the release of another? In short, it comes down to subscription fees. With 11.5 million players paying $15/month to play, the World of Warcraft has a stronger economy than most countries in the actual world, and that’s before you get into micro-payments. Starcraft II will not have subscription fees (in the United States).

The number of subscribers to WoW grows over time since there is nothing else that even remotely competes with it. Thus far, there has been no MMO that has come close to challenging WoW’s complete dominance over the market, and that is a good thing for the economy. You see, many websites are dedicated to WoW, either by providing news, strategies to defeat bosses or players, or selling in game items (illegal, but profitable). If WoW were to die, so would all these websites. This would result in the unemployment of many Americans and the collapse of the Chinese economy, which gets much of its GDP from selling gold to players.

Even South Park profited from WoW.

You might think that this isn’t a problem, because SC2 is not an MMO and thus wouldn’t take away WoW’s subscriber base. Of course, you would be wrong. The demographic for both games is the same, mostly fat, balding men between the ages of 20 and 50. Most of them are also tired of WoW after five years, but they currently have no better option. SC2 will provide them with the escape they are all looking for.

Which brings us back to the beginning. Despite the government’s flaws, they are very good at deeming things to be “too big to fail”, and WoW is the first game to ever achieve this designation. A chief advisor to the president had this to say,

We know it’s ridiculous that a video game has gotten this powerful, but it’s a simple numbers game. World of Warcraft generates more money than Rhode Island and Iowa combined, and thus cannot be allowed to die. As Starcraft II will cause irreparable damage to the World of Warcraft, we have deemed it to be in the best interests of the country to postpone the release of Starcraft II indefinitely.

In Avanti album cover

There are a few things I look for when I’m looking for new music. The first is female vocals. While male vocals are fine, I always prefer female. The second thing is the rock feel. After all, what is music without guitars and drums? Most important, there needs to be passion. Preferably anger. Alexx Calise delivers on all points. Despite being a hybrid of hard rock and electronica, her music seems to transcend genre borders. While listening to her first album, “Morning Pill”, I was surprised that at times I was reminded of Tracy Bonham, K’s Choice, Alanis Morissette, and even Vanessa Carlton. Her voice doesn’t sound out of place whether the music is low tempo or rocking. This is a good thing.

“In Avanti”, her recently released album, is a hard rock album that occasionally takes a break for something more heartfelt. “Anything Goes” brings you into AC’s world, complete with electronic background noise, light drums, and lyrics promoting hedonism. The next song, “Break Me” hits with significantly more passion and anger. It’s also much harder. Hard hitting drums and a powerful guitar combine with vocals that create a song that makes me glad I’m not whatever boyfriend this song is about. An immediate switch comes with “Cry”. The song is sad and slow, as it should be.

Morning Pill album cover

Following “Cry”, we have “Get Used to It” which is another hard rock song. But, this one is different, and might be my favorite on the album. Everything just seems to work together to make for something special. Next, we have “Good Enough”.  The lyrics are typical of any relationship song. “It doesn’t matter what I do, cause everything’s always been about you. Nothing’s ever good enough for you.” Boring, right? Not quite. The instrumentation wins and makes you forget about the lyrics, bringing you into a world of anger and resentment that I just adore. It’s followed by “My Song” which could almost certainly be a dance hit.

After this, we get another stylistic shift. “Out of Sight” reminds me of a thousand other songs where women are whining about a broken relationship, except that it still has the hard rock influence. I’m not sure if that makes it awesome or not. It might. “Saying Goodbye” might also be a song about relationships, but you’d never be able to tell since it’s so hardcore it might as well be metal. The album ends with “See You Again”, which is actually a low tempo slow song, devoid of any hard rock influence. It’s not bad.

I think the only problem I have with this album is that it feels too safe. It’s music that you feel like you’ve heard before. There was nothing that made me instantly fall in love and know that I will cherish it forever. But, I still like it, quite a bit actually, and maybe that’s why. She’s taken something familiar, and mutated it into something that is hers, like Plato stealing from Socrates.

For the too long; didn’t read version: Alexx Calise’s “In Avanti” has a uniqueness and goodness that I can’t quite explain. While I wouldn’t call this album a musical masterpiece, it’s fun to listen to and will certainly end up in my music rotation. It’s as if Evanescence and Linkin Park got together and decided to not suck. I apologize to Alexx Calise if mentioning either of those two bands have offended her.

When the Founding Fathers designed the Constitution, they explicitly made it so women couldn’t vote. Later, we decided that was simply a sign of the times, and everyone should have the right to vote. We like to right wrongs, and so we reversed this trend and gave women equal rights. What we failed to realize was that the Founding Fathers were geniuses and never intended for women to have the right to vote.

"She said I couldn't touch these again, if she couldn't vote!"

I’m not a misogynist. I don’t believe that a woman’s role is in the kitchen or the bedroom. I don’t even believe that they shouldn’t be politicians. I believe women are capable of doing pretty much everything a man can do, except use logic. Women are illogical creatures, overrun by emotion, that believe the world should be remade in their image. Men tolerate and accept this behavior because breasts are delightful.

But, Ben Franklin was a stronger man than we are today.  Along with his posse, they developed a system that was woman immune. A system that would last through the centuries, even after the time they died. And they would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for…er…Sorry. I woke up to Scooby Doo. The point here is, they didn’t deny women the right to vote as a side note. They denied women the right to vote because they knew what we all know. Women are fucking crazy.

A face you can trust...

It is true what they say, behind every good man is a good woman. But, we need to remember that behind a good man is the place for a good woman. They think in ways that men cannot fathom, and come up with some of the best ideas around. But, for them, picking a politician is like picking a pair of shoes: chosen for looks, often times uncomfortable, and definitely not something to be worn more than once.

Now, I’ll admit that not all men should be allowed to vote either, but we already have laws that prevent convicted felons from voting…

I’m late on this one. I apologize. There’s a day called Denim Day. On this day, people wear jeans to raise awareness and educate the public about rape and sexual assault. This event began after an Italian Supreme Court judge ruled that a girl, who said she was raped, was not raped because she wore tight jeans. You see, a guy can’t remove a girl’s tight jeans on his own, thus she must have helped. If she helped, the sex was consensual. This upset people and Denim Day is designed to remind people that the judge may have suffered brain injuries at some point. Let me start by saying, I agree with Denim Day in principle.

Denim Day Logo

Conceptually, though, I think Denim Day has a major failing. The failing (which should be obvious) is that you’re only thinking about it one day per year. Instead, I suggest “Don’t Rape People Year.” This is an event that lasts the entire year. It starts on January 1^st and ends on December 31^st. It happens every year. During this event, people are reminded that they shouldn’t rape people or otherwise sexually assault anyone. While one day might work for Holidays such as Easter or Hanukkah, I think it is insufficient for not raping people. Even Yoga has a full month (September).

Now, I know what you’re thinking. By designating a single day, you bring specific awareness to the day, whereas if you have a whole month, people forget about it midway.  I’d like to suggest that thinking about not raping people for half a year, is still better than just one day. Do you agree? You should.

While not raping people is a great thing, I’d like to make a related point. Dear women, please do not claim to be raped when you have not been raped. This is an extremely important point, because cases with moron judges probably would happen a lot less if the judge could believe you. Instead, you lying whores have ruined rape cases for everyone who has actually been raped. Please recall the woman who was videotaped directing her own gangbang, who later claimed to have been raped. Hint: she wasn’t.

As this year’s Denim Day comes to a close, we begin Don’t Rape People Year. Seriously. Don’t rape people. It’s not cool.

Seriously, don't rape people.

Actress Sandra Bullock is putting the positive back in HIV by giving husband Jesse James the gift that keeps on giving…AIDS! The 45 year old Academy Award winner is proving an inspiration to women everywhere by showing that revenge is a dish best served with a side of sexual transmitted disease. After all, what better way to say “you shouldn’t have cheated on me” than by turning your adulterous partner’s penis into a biological weapon?

Sandra Bullock: A face only an idiot would cheat on

Jesse James, best known for his role as Sandra Bullock’s husband, was recently caught having multiple affairs. Much like Tiger Woods, but without any of the charm, James failed to realize that there could be any repercussions to his actions. Little did he know, the Hollywood superstar would find a way to teach him a lesson he won’t ever forget.

While most women would sit in a corner and cry about their husband’s infidelity, Sandra Bullock has proven that there is a better way to deal with the situation. Sacrificing her clean bill of health for the good of all, Bullock sought out a proper way to deter women from sleeping with her husband. The answer was simple: inject herself with a needle dirtier than the sluts James slept with, get HIV, and share it with her husband.

An idiot: Jesse James

Sandra’s will is truly remarkable. Not many people would be willing to acquire a deadly disease or sleep with their cheating husband one final time. Bullock, however, proves what we’ve known about her all along…that she is righteous. Reports have surfaced stating that she plans on taking a break from acting to focus on teaching women how to do the right thing when their man is a cheating bastard. When BTH asked the beautiful visionary her views on spreading HIV to two-timing whores, she only had this to say:

“What we are doing here will be the change that everyone wants to see. Not only will men be reluctant to cheat on women if they know that they will get AIDS when they are found out, but women will be reluctant to spread their legs for cheaters knowing that they could get AIDS themselves. If every time a man cheats on his wife, two women (the wife and the treacherous trollop) acquire AIDS, eventually no one will cheat, or there will be no one left at all.”

Some people desire respect and crave to fit in socially. Other people are just assholes. It used to be hard to tell which side of the line you were on, but no longer! The internet has come to save us.

Are you an asshole?

Yes, you are.

A newly developed website, AreYouAnAsshole.com is just the moral compass we’ve all been looking for. In the spirit of  FMyLife and TextsFromLastNight, AreYouAnAsshole is a place where you can tell a story and ask the world, “Am I An Asshole?” You just might be.

How does it compare?

Some unnamed president

This might be the best website ever developed for many reasons. While the other user-submitted sites have ratings, they don’t hold the same social condemnation as AYAA. When 90% of all people reading your story tell you that you are an asshole, you know it’s true. It is my opinion that in years to come, this site will be used to solve not only the problems of individuals, but those of global entities. Someday, a former president might post:

In reaction to a terrorist threat, I attempted to deprive my constituents of all their freedoms with the Patriot Act, and then proceeded to run them into an economic depression. AIAA?

Problems?

Unfortunately, the website isn’t perfect. For starters, the site’s colors hurt my eyes pretty badly. Secondly,  the site name is a little off. “Are you an asshole” isn’t really the question. The question is “Am I an Asshole?” It has a different feel. What I expect to see from AYAA is:

You tried to fuck friend in the ass and dumped her when she wouldn’t let you. AYAA?

Instead, the question is asked from the personal side, and given the website name, that’s weird. It is truly a shame that amianasshole.com is a porn site. Finally, I find that the rating categories are lacking. You can either say that someone is an asshole or an average joe. There needs to be at least two more categories: “No, that’s just funny.” and “Yes, but that’s hilarious.” After all, everyone knows a funny asshole isn’t really an asshole at all.

Overall, I hope this website goes far. Not only do I like telling people that they’re assholes, but I now have a method to prove to other people that I’m not being one.