After Britney Spears released the more than mildly embarrassing single, "Ooh La La," for The Smurfs 2 Soundtrack--a frothy throwaway that might have led a cynic to believe she was incapable of releasing anything meaningful ever again--"Work Bitch" has more than made up for it. Not only is the beat reminiscent of "Scream and Shout," but Spears has also continued to maintain her British lilt (à la early 00s Madonna)Plus, it isn't without the ability to provoke a discourse on class in America. For, you see, the entire premise of "Work Bitch" is that working actually pays off. On this count, I'm afraid Ms. Spears isn't wholly correct. Cover for "Work Bitch"

Although Americans have always been told that honest, nitty gritty hard work is the only true way to earn a living, our penchant for laziness has palpably increased in the past few decades. There's no longer the same drive that propelled the U.S. to prominence in the wake of World War II--and for arguably good reason. After seeing the baby boomer generation lose everything they had in the wake of 2008's financial crisis, it made sense to simply forego the possibility that working could ever lead to anything rewarding if one could lose it all based on economic and Wall Street whims. Why bother trying to build a personal fortune if it's that goddamn easy for some third party bastard to take away? Well, Spears has ignored these facts and created a motivating, uprising anthem against projects dwellers and middle class cube workers alike. The message is simple: Work bitch.

But there's still somehow a hole in Britney's urging, "You want a hot body/You want a Bugatti/You want a Maserati?/You better work bitch." For one, there's plenty of people who exercise and see minimal results. They must stay within the confines of their accursed body type--sometimes, you're just doomed to possess an hourglass figure. Second, the people who tend to own Bugattis and Maseratis rarely perform work that is strenuous or meaningful, like say, a sugar cane migrant worker. Nonetheless, she goes on to say, "You want a Lamborghini/Sip martinis/Look good in a bikini?/You better work bitch." Again, the same criteria applies to owning a Lamborghini. As for sipping a martini, well, that doesn't take very much work. And looking good in a bikini is also in a similar vein to the "hot body" conundrum.

Britney, bitch.

Of course, what Britney is ultimately saying is that you can't expect to get all the things you want without putting a little bit of elbow grease into it first. But then, the argument that the poorest people in America are the ones who have to work (physically) the hardest continues to crop up. In her consistent lust to motivate throughout the song, she challenges, "You wanna live fancy/Live in a big mansion/Party in France?/You better work bitch." Easier said than done. Someone working three part-time jobs at a fast food "restaurant," for example, is never going to achieve this goal no matter how hard or long they work. And so, there is a certain sadness to Spears' newest single, as it's really only encouraging to the people who already have a chance at advancing their status. Because, in all honesty, the words, "Don't stop now/Just be the champion," are empty to someone struggling for basic human needs. Then again, maybe I'm reading too much into this lovely contribution to pop, and I should just take it for what it is. Though that would go against the "Work Bitch" message, n'est-ce pas?

I'm just sitting here wishing I had brought more than one flask with me—or at least finished drinking that entire bottle of Jack Daniels. Anyway, I never thought I would be the type of asshole to show up at the Grammys. But when I heard that even Prince was making a cameo, I thought, ‘Fuck it, might as well. It’s not like I have a model to fuck right now anyway.’” I immediately regretted my choice upon walking into the Staples Center. I mean, Christ, it’s the Staples Center. As in Inglewood. What the fuck was I thinking? Jack White on Gotye: Is he trying to steal my haircut?

It already started off predictably when Adele won for a song that was, surprise, from an album she released like ten years ago at this point. After she was finished showcasing her over the top British lilt, I pretty much fell asleep until Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce came onstage to introduce Justin Timberlake. In his attempt to come across as the modern answer to Frank Sinatra, it became clear that the only thing that was going to save his performance was Jay-Z jumping up on the stage to start rapping his part.

Jack White on Fun.: Why does this band exist?

Any semblance of integrity Timberlake’s new music might have had was instantly negated by the Bud Light and Target commercials broadcast during the break featuring him and his bastardized music. I resumed my nap  again until Rihanna appeared onstage with some rando named Mikky Ekko. And yeah, even though I’m always fucking models, I can’t deny that Rihanna’s nice to look at. It was obvious Drake thought so too judging from his open-jawed mouth.

Jack White on Rihanna: Eye candy.

I resumed sleeping after they kept cutting to Lena Dunham’s ugly mug every five seconds. I mean, even though I find it kind of humorous that she’s dating one of the homosexuals in Fun., I still don’t think it warrants having her every expression documented. After I performed with my harem of the moment, I managed to keep my eyes open to watch Carrie Underwood’s dress perform.  I then vaguely remember Kelly Clarkson paying homage to some of the greatest women in country music, even though they probably would have been better off having me do it.

Jack White on the Black Keys: You'll never be me.

I think the Black Keys also performed at some point too and yeah, I guess it was pretty good, but I’m also fairly certain I could sue them for copyright infringement. I excused myself to whoever I was sitting next to under the guise that I needed to change out of my peacock suit, but really I just wanted another shot (or bottle) of whiskey. While I was in some backstage area, I became momentarily distracted by Katy Perry’s tits and started flashing back to how much I miss Meg’s tits. I sort of wished she was there, but at the same time, not really.

Jack White on Frank Ocean: Yeah, I'd go gay for him.

I also remember wondering why Elton John seems to be at every music event capitalizing on someone’s death even though he doesn’t actually have any new music out ever. Or if he does, it’s over my head. And then I remember thinking how hot Kelly Rowland looked in that black dress… maybe even hotter than Beyonce. And then I wondered if I could be gay for Frank Ocean. I think I probably could. At some point between my final blackout and the end of the show, I realized the music industry had no respect for quality if they could allow a man like Prince to walk onstage (side note: why didn’t I think of using a cane as an accessory first?) but then nominate Mumford and Sons as the winner for Best Album of the Year. I think I might officially renounce my career in music—but may consider reemerging later in the vein of Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z.






" people who want to utterly pulverize boredom."
-Sasha Frere-Jones, New Yorker
Nobody sounds like Portishead.  The progression of their albums has clearly established their uncompromising stance towards their future. For the first time since 1998, Portishead announce their North American tour this October 2011.
Portishead kick off their tour at this year’s All Tomorrow's Parties presentation, I'll Be Your Mirror  Saturday October 1 & Sunday October 2 taking place in Asbury Park, N.J.  Portishead co-curated these two days of the 3 day festival.  According to Adrian Utley,We've always thought that we must come back to tour in the states, something we wanted to do with the release of Third, but our schedule just wouldn’t allow it. Being that we were asked to curate  I’ll be your Mirror, this just seemed like a good start to touring the states - it set’s it off in absolutely the right way. We are absolutely delighted to come back.”
Following ATP, Portishead will take the stage at New York City’s Hammerstein Ballroom for two nights, followed by shows in Montreal, Toronto, Chicago,  Mexico, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver. The tour ends in Denver on October 27th.



After an 11- year hiatus, Portishead’s album Third, the long-awaited follow up to their 1997 self-titled release, debuted at #7 on the Billboard Top 200 Album Chart, received rave reviews  and has been hailed as an “unexpected yet totally impressive return” by Rolling Stone Magazine, and “Worth the wait” by Newsweek.   "'Third' is more polymorphous, more extreme, more propulsive and often harsher than previous Portishead albums" claimed New York Times.  “...anyone can make abrasive music, but few can do something new and compelling with apocalyptic heaviness” wrote Spin Magazine.
Following Third’s release, Portishead made their only U.S. performance on April 26th at the Coachella Music Festival after an invite only private rehearsal at LA’s Mayan Theater. “Beth Gibbons and Co. delivered bigtime, turning out stirring new songs from their first album in more than a decade. The band's warm peels of sound moved across the field like an aural massage, the six touring members locked in together with incredible precision, every turntable scratch and haunting synth gorgeously amplified,” praised Rolling Stone. Appropriately Portishead ended their set with "Thanks for waiting.”
Joining Beth Gibbons, Geoff Barrow and Adrian Utley on stage are Jim Barr (bass), Clive Deamer (drums), and John Baggott (keyboards).
A limited run of tickets are available for purchase thru the Portishead website July 11th, 12th, 13th, and 14th.  Direct Link:
Tickets go on sale to the general public July 15th and 16th, with the exception of Chicago, on sale date July 22nd.
Support for Portishead on this tour is THOUGHT FORMS.


October 1 & 2               IBYM, Asbury Park, NJ
October 4                     Hammerstein Ballroom NY
October 5                     Hammerstein Ballroom, NY
October 7                     Jacques Cartier Pier, Montreal
October 9                     Sound Academy, Toronto

October 10                     Sound Academy, Toronto October 12                   Aragon, Chicago

October 15                   Mexico, Corona Festival
October 18                   Shrine LA
October 21                   Greek, Berkeley, SF
October 23                   WaMu, Seattle
October 24                   PNE Forum, Vancouver
October 27                   1st Bank Center, Denver


For all media inquiries contact:


-Broke in the OC

AuthorBroke In The OC
2 CommentsPost a comment

Skinnie Magazine, Ernie Ball & AcropolisRecords presents: Battle for Warped Tour Friday July 8th at Tiki Bar in Costa Mesa. Battle for Warped Tour AcropolisRPM flyer

Bands Battling are: Dreamteam, Amherst Aisle, Orange Blossom Special, The Graphs, KYG & This Time With Feeling

Come support some of Southern California's hottest bands while they battle it out for a slot on the Ernie Ball stage at Warped tour in Carson city!!

Tiki Bar 1700 Placentia Ave Costa Mesa, CA 92627

21+ Hit your favorite band up for Tix $7 Show starts @ 8:30

Bands chosen will move on to perform at the SEMI Finals! The winning finalist from the semi-finals will compete against finalists from other battles at the House of Blues Anaheim on August 2nd for a chance to win a slot on the Carson, CA date of Van’s Warped Tour 2011.

Facebook Event Page


-Broke in the OC

AuthorBroke In The OC


Soundgarden have just released their first ever live album, Live on I5, which can be streamed in full on the band's Facebook page.

Titled Live on I5 – a reference to the Interstate 5 which runs up and down the West Coast-  the new collection compiles live tracks from a 1996 run by the band and captures the band at the height of their recording and touring career.  This carefully selected compilation includes fan favorites like “Spoonman”, “Rusty Cage”, “Burden In My Hand,” and “Black Hole Sun” (performed by Chris Cornell solo), as well what insiders are calling the definitive live performance of “Jesus Christ Pose.”  As a bonus, the disc includes two brilliantly inspired covers:  The Beatles’ “Helter Skelter” and The Stooges’ anarchic proto-punk classic, “Search & Destroy.” The band took out recording engineer, Adam Kasper with them on the West Coast leg of this tour- the first time they ever recorded any live shows. They rented a mobile 24 track machine/truck and recorded the gigs on 2" tape. Soundgarden had always intended to release it as a live record soon after the tour, but alas, they disbanded and the tapes were left in the closet of Studio X in Seattle (now called Bad Animals) to gather dust until now.

Live on I5 is the follow-up to Soundgarden’s celebrated 2010 reunion, with the band re-staking their well deserved place, earning a Grammy nomination for previously unreleased track “Black Rain” for Best Hard Rock Performance, gracing the covers of music magazines SPIN and Guitar World, performing on the second night of Conan and topping critics’ lists with their fall 2010 release, Telephantasm. The multi-label, career-spanning collection, also available in collector’s editions with the band’s first-ever DVD and booklet,  was a comprehensive retrospective of the enormously influential band whose music put Seattle and a young label called Sub Pop on the map.  As befits a group whose sound redefined a musical generation, they also proved themselves to be innovators with their partnership with Guitar Hero, with 1 million copies of Telephantasm sold, bundled within the launch of Guitar Hero®: Warriors of Rock. The album went platinum before even hitting stores- a first time certification for the RIAA.

Soundgarden’s subsequent live appearances had all the chemistry and intensity fans and critics had hoped for with the band’s legendary heavy sound and power intact.  Their headlining Lollapalooza spot last year found the four members playing their classic material from the ‘90s to longtime fans and a new generation who never thought they’d be lucky enough to see them.  Rolling Stone wrote, “Chris Cornell is the ultimate rock frontman” and Spin said, “The band kicked into an epic set that was the sonic equivalent of a blueprint of the Seattle sound: heavy, loud, and full of metal guitar heroics and classic rock pomp.”

With Live on I5, we catch the now-legendary rock titans at the top of their game. The collection captures the rawness, spontaneity and magic that happens at live gigs between Soundgarden and their audiences.  It cements the band’s place in rock history and shows why their appeal is as strong and as timeless as ever.

Watch this space for additional news on Soundgarden:

Tracklisting in full:

1.         Spoonman

2.         Searching With My Good Eye Closed

3.         Let Me Drown

Tracks 1-3: Recorded live at Crosby Hall, Del Mar Fairgrounds, Del Mar, CA – November 30, 1996

4.         Head Down

Recorded live at Mercer Arena, Seattle, WA – December 18, 1996

5.         Outshined

Recorded live at Crosby Hall, Del Mar Fairgrounds, Del Mar, CA – November 30, 1996

6.         Rusty Cage

Recorded live at Pacific National Exhibition Forum, Vancouver, BC, Canada – December 7, 1996

7.          Burden In My Hand

Recorded live at Salem Armory, Salem, OR – December 8, 1996

8.         Helter Skelter

9.         Boot Camp

Tracks 8 and 9: Recorded live at Crosby Hall, Del Mar Fairgrounds, Del Mar, CA – November 30, 1996

10.      Nothing To Say

Recorded live at Mercer Arena, Seattle, WA – December 18, 1996

11.       Slaves And Bulldozers

12.      Dusty

13.      Fell On Black Days

Tracks 11-13: Recorded live at Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center, Oakland, CA – December 5, 1996

14.      Search And Destroy

Recorded live at Mercer Arena, Seattle, WA – December 18, 1996

15.      Ty Cobb

Recorded live at Crosby Hall, Del Mar Fairgrounds, Del Mar, CA – November 30, 1996

16.      Black Hole Sun

Recorded live at Mercer Arena, Seattle, WA – December 17, 1996

17.       Jesus Christ Pose

Recorded live at Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center, Oakland, CA – December 5, 1996

-Broke in the OC

AuthorBroke In The OC
2 CommentsPost a comment

Hey, Fridays are cool.

Think about it. They're the last day of the week, and the start of the weekend. You can totes go to the mall, or a party, or just aimlessly drift about town (in a wholesome way, of course).

There probably aren't many people out there who dislike Fridays.

Rebecca Black definitely likes Fridays. Apparently.

If you aren't sure who Rebecca Black is, this music video might be even more nonsensical and mind-alteringly confusing than it already is. It already has more than 5 million hits on YouTube so far (and that number has gone up 500,000 in the 20 minutes I've had the window open!), so it's obviously a great and awesome song.

Just watch:

Okay. A few questions spring to mind after viewing this mess:

1. Doesn't it sound as if it was written by someone whose first language is definitely NOT English? The awkwardness of almost all of the lyrics is unfathomable. To wit:

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly Fun, fun, think about fun You know what it is I got this, you got this My friend is by my right I got this, you got this Now you know it

"My friend is by my right?" That's not really a phrase anybody uses ever to describe anything.

Black's slow, off-timed delivery of "fun, fun, fun" is also quite unsettling.

And the bridge! The bridge seems to be the most-quoted passage from this song on Twitter, Facebook, Friendster, Myspace, and so on, mainly for its WHAT IN THE HELL IS SHE SAYING??!! qualities:

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’) We-we-we so excited We so excited We gonna have a ball today

"We so excited"? "Saturday comes afterwards?" Is this real life? Why is she going through the days of the week?

2. Someone suggested to me that this song is intended for little kids, as if it was 'educational'.

The reckless behavior of the kids in this video would make me think otherwise.

In the video, Ms. Black and her cohorts are sitting on the top of the seats in the back of the convertible, seatbelts definitely NOT buckled. A green screen of "whoa we're driving fast!!" images flies by in the background.

That's just not safe.

What's more, the car is being driven by a kid who has got to be 13 years old. I mean, COME ON:

You can't drive by yourself with a learner's permit, and you definitely can't drive your friends around when you're 13 (and not even old enough for a permit).

3. Why did she go to the bus stop to wait for her friends? Couldn't they have just picked her up at her house?

4. Who is the black dude doing the off-putting rap in the middle? Why is he barreling down the freeway, rapping about school buses? Is he going to the party Rebecca Black and her friends are having?

How does he know who she is? Is he her friend? If so, why? Isn't he about 35 years old? This is so creepy.

5. Why are preteens going to house parties at all? I'm not that old and curmudgeon-y, but this is strange. How did the kids get to the house party? Are they all driving their parents' cars without permission?

One of the most glaring bizarre aspects of this thing is Rebecca Black's apparent confusion about the whole thing. What these shiny cameras are doing, why they're pointed at her,  what she's singing, where she's going, everything. Maybe she was drugged and forced to make this video? Who knows.

This is either a really good Funny Or Die skit, or we are truly approaching the endtimes.

The simplicity and strangeness of this song/video just can't be real. They just can't. People don't speak like this! Not even children!

This makes Ke$ha and Justin Bieber seem like Pink Floyd.

Congratulations, pop music world, we are now one 3-minute music video closer to total implosion.


Since Rebecca Black took control of the world a few days ago, YouTube has exploded with tons of different kinds of this ridiculous Dubstep remix. Check it:

And for even more ridiculous, here's another gem:

In closing, readers, I apologize for all this, I really do.

But Rebecca Black and her people should apologize even more so for unleashing this devilry upon the world.

Rolling Stone conducted an interview with Van Toffler, the president of MTV (formerly known as "Music Television") about the triumphant return of everyone's favorite t-shirt clad morons, Beavis and Butt-Head.

Within the lengthy interview, Toffler gives some insight into what prompted Mike Judge and the MTV suits to think "yeah, we should bring this back!" Namely, it seems as if they just think it would be hilarious if Beavis and Butt-Head made fun of some of today's most ridiculous pastimes:

"They'll be self-contained segments with the boys in different situations like they used to be," Toffler says. "But this time around, they'll watch Jersey Shore, UFC matches and user-generated videos from YouTube, in addition to music videos." All of the programming will be displayed on the duo's TV, even if it comes from YouTube — "like silly videos of cats playing music."

Sounds like it could be pretty great, especially if Judge gives them a voice similar to that of pop culture skewer blogs like Videogum, which routinely rips any and everything (TV shows, music, websites, YouTube trends, etc) to pieces with thick sarcasm and bitingly rich commentary.

What inspired Judge to return to the world of Beavis and Butt-Head?

"In the years since Mike quit doing Beavis and Butt-Head, he realized that there was a lot to make fun of," says head writer John Altschuler, a veteran of King of the Hill. "We just kept coming up with ideas that Mike thought would have made good Beavis and Butt-Head episodes. Then one day, Mike said, 'Maybe we should just actually make some good Beavis and Butt-Head episodes.'"

In a world much too in love with Seth MacFarlane and his monumental ego, it's about time Beavis and Butt-Head came back to show us all how it's done.

Read the whole interview, it's packed with some great insight from Toffler. Bravo, Rolling Stone.

Are you excited for the return of the show? Or should Mike Judge and MTV have left it where it was, a nostalgic piece of 1990s gold? Don't be afraid to leave comments and discuss. That is, after all, the point.

AuthorCheese Sandwich

Please allow me to change the meaning of girls and cups: The sound of a Univision commentator yelling “Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!” while basking on my couch alone when USA “scored” against England during the group round, tickled me immensely. I knew immediately this method of viewing the games during Copa Mundial 2010, although charming, would not suffice. For me, the World Cup wouldn’t be about the delicious, finely-sculpted players (for the most part…but if it were about those men, I choose David Villa from Spain, not Cristiano Ronaldo from Portugal) it would be about embracing the sport the way other countries do! I grew up playing soccer - most of us did, didn’t we? But some inexplicable disconnect has me and everyone else in this country hoarding around the tube only during World Cup like some partially-devoted Catholics on Easter.

Mr. and Mrs. David Villa

For example, I heard an interview with Quinton Jackson from “A-Team” the day before the first game, South Africa vs Mexico. He concentrated more on World Cup discussion than the movie and mentioned that the studios refused to release the film abroad until after the tournament because in every other country, no one will watch anything aside from fútbol. In America, would that conflict even be questioned? Nil!

All of my friends have steady day jobs and no one could commit to 7am games. And although I wanted to dive in and experience passionate crowds at their finest, I knew it meant diving in –gasp!- alone....One girl....

Mexico vs. France Destination: Ye Olde Kind’s Head, Santa Monica

I scurried there solo like a giddy schoolgirl, not knowing what really to expect (except for a jolly laugh with my dear friend and bartender, Vanessa and perhaps an adrenaline rush from the packed pub).

Parking: $7.00

I settled in at the bar, ordered a cider and fish & chips and shook the hand of Cesar, a fully-devoted fan from Mazatlan. Cesar knew each Mexico player by name; he knew their every move; he knew how they prefer their coffee. The game started and no one ordered drinks for the duration of the 45-minute half; the patrons’ eyes were glued to the TVs. They chanted in Spanish things I didn’t understand, but heck, I chanted along anyway…everyone completely engaged, fixated, obsessed. “Culero! Culero! Culero!,” they yelled in unison. I kept asking Cesar questions:

“Cesar, that was fun! What does Culero mean?”

“Cesar, does Cuauhtémoc Blanco run strangely or is that just me? Why?”

“Cesar, what should I drink next?”

“Cesar…? Cesar?”

Bless his heart, he kept answering. He shared my French fries and had a picture of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower as his default on his phone. At this discovery, he blushed and demanded I not tell a soul that he secretly loves France (the country, not the team). Fortunately for him and his hush-hush Francophile alter-ego, Mexico won. Someone painted my face with Mexican flags that day; heck, why not?! We celebrated until the Lakers vs. Celtics game ended (count: 10 hours later) and agreed to meet again, same place the next morning.

Queen Fish and Chips: $10.95 …and later, Happy Hour Nachos: $5.95 Pints of Cider: $24.00

7am: USA vs. Slovania 11:30am: England vs. Algeria Destination: Ye Olde King’s Head, wooden bar stool, far right corner. This time, I dragged my friend Meredith along.

Parking: $7

USA fans differ greatly…no one sang the national anthem; they only chanted a simple “USA! USA! USA!;” people ordered drinks during the game and discussed the Lakers, who won the “World Championship” (why “world??”) the night before. We clearly lack FIFA focus. But when USA tied, only after a botched call by the referee regarding an offside play, even Cesar, who clearly did NOT want to see team USA win, simply bowed his head with disagreement. But damn it all to hell, we gained some respect after that call and people felt for our straggly little team who has only minimal support from its own country.

Egg and Sausage Sandwich: $5.95 Coffee: $2.50

England vs. Algeria-The fervent, eager, wholehearted crowd flooded in as I gazed with wonder. An English game, at an English pub, surrounded by English accents and cider- dreams do come true, ladies (not the ones with you and Ronaldo though, please). The scene made my jaw drop. Brits like Kate Beckinsale and Nigel Lithgoe also joined in for the event at separate tables in the restaurant area - this game, I knew, would surely be a spectacle! I sat next to Dave, an older gentleman who welcomed me with cheers while, yes, I sat alone in the corner stool (Meredith, the friend with a day job, had to leave…pity). The national anthem chimed on and everyone, EVERYONE, jubilantly belted “God, Save Our Queen.” The words are not difficult to remember, so, yet again, I followed suit. The game itself did not tickle our fancy, in fact it was a bore and England tied…but as I left, I knew this had become an addiction.

Mimosa: $8.00

7am: USA vs Algeria and England vs Slovania Destination: Corner Stool, again

I am troubled to say that words to describe this day are intangible, but I shall try. Basically, both teams had to tie or win to advance. I arrived at 6:15am to grab hold of my corner stool, while the line outside wrapped around the block with a mix and mash of USA and England fans. Both groups sang their national anthem (I stuck to “God, Save Our Queen” only because it is easier to yell---and secretly I fell in love with England) simultaneously, and then the games commenced. I suffered from whip lash near the end of the first half due to the speedy bi-locating of my head from one screen to the next. The sound of “ooos” and “ahhhs” (that’s what he said) and “yes!” and “no!” (that’s what she said) blistered from every direction.

Each game concurrently had their moments and when it became clear that USA would lose, mostly everyone counted down the final seconds to the England win and began jumping, screaming, embracing, high-fiving, and kissing. Then, instantly, Landon Donovan miraculously scored a goal that would secure team USA a spot in the next round- a moment I will never forget. Every single person in that building screamed with a ballistic enthusiasm I had yet to witness in my life. I actually became so overwhelmed with emotion that two celebratory tears happily danced down my face. England and USA would advance. Imagine that!

After the game, I could not catch my breath or a mere moment to reflect on what had just occurred when a news reporter approached me and another new friend, Stacy. He asked how I felt about “World Cup Fever” and only a portion of my response made the morning news. For some inconceivable reason, they chopped “There’s a sleeping bag underneath the bar for me…I can’t get enough of this place. Hi Mom!” Hmmm…wonder why.

Chicken Sandwich: $10.95

USA vs. Ghana, Destination: Snake Pit, Hollywood I’ll admit, I needed a break and wanted to be in a more subdued atmosphere. Plus, the food specials at this place are awesome: $5 for anything from 12pm - close. I tried bringing the “pub culture” to this dive bar by attempting to sing the national anthem and perhaps throw in a fun cheer here and there. A sprinkling of folks played along, but not many. USA lost and we all returned home with “Welp, we won’t be hearing the word ‘soccer’ for the next four years” attitudes.

England vs. Germany, Destination: Ye Olde King’s Head, wooden bar stool, far right corner (duh) This game fell on a Sunday so the working class attended. I arrived at 5:45am and took my seat among a group of belligerent Brits- aww, home sweet home. You know, I probably could’ve been on the field that game and produced better plays than the English players, but when I stopped and looked around at all the pissed off fans, ordering beer frantically and screaming English obscenities at the screens and each other, I cracked a smile and thought, “This is brilliant…This is what World Cup is all about.” Cheers!

Brazil vs. Netherlands, Destination: My apartment Can you believe Brazil lost? My jaw sat on the floor for the duration of the second half plus ten minutes after the game had concluded. I compose this portion with disbelief…still.

Ghana vs. Uruguay, Destination: Client’s House I had to involuntarily take a break from the pub because, sigh, I had to work. I’m a private chef and cook at the homes of my clients, therefore I politely requested that the TV be on while I chop, slice and stir. During this particular game, the cleaning lady, Patty, also had established her interest and we both took a break to watch the second half…I learned “Mucho presión” (meaning, “very stressful”) as I screamed at Uruguay for hand-balling Ghana’s winning goal OUT of the box. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a game so stressful… I deeply wished I had viewed it at the pub.

Sidebar: Up to this point, when mentioning World Cup, people from every street corner wanted to discuss. I made friends with the produce men at the Whole Foods in Beverly Hills; the man at Radioshack who kept me for a half hour chit-chattin’; a random guy named John, wearing a Brazil shirt getting into his car after their loss to the Netherlands (poor chap); the ticket guy at the parking lot at traffic court who, ouch, rooted for Mexico.  World Cup unites.  It's incredible and it's a shame it is once every four years.

Espana vs. Germany, Destination: Same Place, Same Stool, Santa Monica I thoroughly anticipated this game because I liked both teams (all my other teams had been eliminated, and I hated Uruguay for that hand-ball moveagainst Ghana, and the Netherlands roll around like big ol’ babies more than anyone I had seen- well except for the Italians, but I’m Italian so I only yellow-carded their actions—once). I brought my eldest sister to the pub and she became deeply enthralled in the “Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” chanting and wished she had participated earlier in the cup. I pity the fool.

Parking: $3.00 Two Mimosas: $16

Final Game: Espana vs. Netherlands, Destination: Same Place, Same Stool, Santa Monica A rush of bittersweet emotion ran through me the morning of the final game as I threw on Spain colors. Thrill, joy, sorrow, loss, confusion, nervousness, glee, love, fear…

I arrived three hours early with my two sisters and my friends Kejal and Meredith in tow and I introduced them, once again to my corner seat. We ordered mimosas and Guinness and watched the game squished between fans from both Netherlands and Spain...Although, most of these people did not derive from these countries- I notice the Brits wearing both colors, the Mexicans wearing Red, the bartenders mixed, my party David Villa...But we all gathered, and screamed and heckled and cheered and boo’d, while all along laughing and rejoicing through joint camaraderie for the sport.

Paul, the psychic octopus, picked correctly and Spain took victory of Copa Mundial cup...

The experience as a whole brought me to a dimension of sports culture that I had never participated in, and I became accustomed to my early morning viewings and surrounding myself with such an addictive energy. I honestly wondered what would become of me when the whole thing concluded. It became a ritual, a drug, a way of life…It became a friend…Thank you everyone at Ye Olde King’s Head for making this experience so special.

World Cup 2010: Priceless

 [gallery link="file" order="DESC"]

So here are the first five songs I think you should check out. I can't say you will like them all, but if there is a song (or songs) that you enjoy, that'll help understand which direction to take you next :).

Intro Songs

Jurassic 5 Jurass Finish First This song - and album - reminds me of high school the most of any of these songs. I'm not even sure I could call this my favorite track on this album, but I think it lends itself more to an introduction.

Brother Ali Fresh Air Brother Ali is not for everyone, but I enjoy him quite a bit. This song, specifically, just puts a smile on my face whenever I listen to it. So super positive.

Binary Star Honest Expression This song is in my top 5 hip hop songs; it speaks to the mainstream hip hop world and says, "This is hip hop." Plus, a bad ass Bruce Lee quote to get you in the mood - like built-in foreplay!

Notorious B.I.G. Juicy This wouldn't be any kind of "lesson" if I omitted Biggy. Some of his songs focus on drugs, women or fucking; what I really enjoy about this song is the crux is positivity - changing your life, and going from nothing to something.

Black Eyed Peas Hot BEP put out two albums before they got famous, and they were both delightful (after that, pure shit). I picked this song because of its sexiness; Kim Hill does the chorus, and her voice is just so sensual.

Extra Credit

This is just to show off some of the more "unique" things some artists do.

Blackalicious Chemical Calisthenics Truthfully, I don't really like this song, but it's really creative. He just talks about chemistry - I couldn't think of a bio song for you, so I figured this would be close enough :).

Binary Star Wolfman Jack I just couldn't resist including this song, even though I already mentioned one of their songs above. Such cool story-telling...if you pay attention to the lyrics, you will get goosebumps.

Beastie Boys Girls Super simple lyrics, a fucking vibraphone through the entire song(!), playful, and funny.. This song reminds me of middle school, even though it came out many years before that.


Not for me silly! For Owl City!! Who has just announced plans to bring the technicolor sounds of Oceans Eyes across the US starting March 30th to kick off the spring with more than fireflies. Confirmed tour dates are listed below:


30th Knitting Factory   Boise, ID

31st Knitting Factory   Spokane, WA


1st Paramount Theater   Seattle, WA

3rd Roseland Theater   Portland, OR

5th Fillmore   San Francisco, CA

6th Fillmore   San Francisco, CA

7th Fox Theater   Pomona, CA

8th Soma   San Diego, CA

9th Club Nokia   Los Angeles, CA

10th Marquee   Phoenix, AZ

12th Salt Air   Salt Lake City, UT

13th Ogden   Denver, CO

15th Stubbs   Austin, TX

16th Verizon Wireless Theater   Houston, TX

17th Nokia Theater   Dallas, TX

19th War Memorial   Nashville, TN

20th Tabernacle   Atlanta, GA

22nd DAR Hall   Washington, D.C.

23rd House of Blues   Boston, MA

24th Terminal 5   New York, NY

25th Electric Factory   Philadelphia, PA

28th House of Blues   Cleveland, OH

29th Royal Oak   Detroit, MI

30th Riviera Theatre   Chicago, IL


1st State Theater   Minneapolis, MN

2nd Eagle Ballroom   Milwaukee, WI

4th Val Air Ballroom   West Des Moines, IA

The group first single “Fireflies” sold over 2 million copies and has been #1 on the charts in the US, Canada, Denmark, Holland and New Zealand– making this small town artist an international phenomenon. For more information on Owl City visit

AuthorScratched Diamond

You all know what's happening. You see it taking over the supermarkets, the florists, even the dentist's office: Hearts. Everywhere. We call this epidemic of red and chocolate, Valentine's Day, and it can either be a source of bliss or agony, depending on your fragile state of mind.

Despite the plethora of books out there that declare people to own their single status, let's face it, most people aren't completely satisfied with their vibrators or Youporn.

The trouble is Valentine's Day stigmatizes this one group rather cruelly. This scarlet lettering has inspired restaurants to hold anti-Valentine's Day themed dinners for bitter women. Chocolate cake and sorrow for dessert. I've been to a couple. Imagine restaurants filled with grimacing vodka-infused women and confused bus boys.

In Japan, it's worse. Instead of one day of emotional suffering, the country decided to create a complementary holiday called "White Day" on March 14. Valentine's Day in Japan is exclusively for men. Women will buy ludicrously priced chocolates for their true loves, who will hopefully return the favor on White Day, with even more lavish presents. The first White Day, celebrated in 1978, was concocted by a delicious candy company that has been earning very sweet profits since.

I love relationships, especially with good, sexy people. But I have never really been the type of person to agonize over being single's on Valentine's Day. I'm certainly not a subscriber to those endless survival guides that teach lonely people how to cope with the day's chocolatey bittersweet loneliness. Why do they need to be called survival guides? Do we really get that close to death if we spend this day alone?

If you want to be in love, you should want it. And I think it's perfectly okay to admit that you like love.

On the other hand, if you want reasons to embrace your singleness, I just happened to jot down a few perks right here:

1. A new study of couples found 56 percent of young adults in new sexual relationships were infected with HPV. The risk of contracting a disease has always been my favorite reason for not hooking up. And who enjoys the awkward, "Can you please just not get that into me?"

2. None of your friends will resent you. For those of you in loving, committed relationships that resemble picture frame stock photos, single people hate you, sorry.

3. Most people don't care about Valentine's Day. You'd think with all the hoop-la surrounding the holiday, that it was the second coming of Christ, but really, it's mostly Walgreens that exaggerates the holiday. Valentine's Day used to be a big deal in 5th grade when we made valentines for our classmates and ate heart-shaped cookies. As Chet Baker once eloquently crooned, "the thrill is gone."

4. There's no pressure. I've always felt an incredible amount of pressure to celebrate amazing Valentine's Days with guys. I helped my friend's boyfriend plan an insanely romantic hullalbaloo for her, complete with Tiffany jewelry! When a partner's sentiment doesn't match yours, or if it's simply a letdown, there's really nothing worse.

5. You can be with someone if you really want it. As of 2002, there are 904 dating service establishments all available to serve you and find you a potentially suitable mate. Apparently it works too: $489 million in revenues. Or if you're a millionaire, you should really visit the Millionaire Matchmaker, who is the most entertaining crazy person I've ever seen on t.v. Apparently, she has a 99 percent success rate, which makes about as much sense as this astrologer who has a money-back guarantee if a spell doesn't work.

Still I personally don't advocate singledom.

I love being in love, and I think that there is nothing more ideal than finding your soul mate.  More than the candy, flowers, and expensive four-course dinners, I prefer the free massages.

Because on the off chance that the chocolates are fruit-filled disasters, the flowers are carnations and dinner comes from the drive-thru, you can always ask for a massage to make up for everything else.

Alright, so, for the record, I am not trying to encourage terrorism in case anyone reading this is looking to put me on some sort of government list sanctioned by The Patriot Act, but am I the only one who thinks that terrorists are totally missing the boat on a surprise attack by egregiously overlooking how fucking oblivious Americans become on Super Bowl Sunday? Apart from me, who opted to watch the dystopic narrative of Children of Men on game day, and maybe eleven other people nationwide, the vast majority is either glued to their TV, their keg, or their chip bowl on one Sunday a year. It just seems like the ideal time to emit noxious gas into the air (unless you live in L.A. and the point is already moot), explode a city block of apartment buildings, or announce some grand terrorist message of hate on TV as lackeys to the cause hold every single NFL player hostage. My guess is that this thought has never crossed the terrorist mind because it loathes American culture too much to truly examine its sadder obsessions and thus has not realized how goddamn much we love to watch robust men in painted on pants and helmets smack into each other. So much in fact, that for about three solid hours, nothing else exists. And I’m just saying, three hours is ample time for a terrorist with ingenuity to wreak some havoc. I mean, for fuck’s sake, there’s other ways to instill mayhem without using a fucking plane. If you’re going to be obnoxiously cruel and carry out random acts of evil, at least employ a little panache. It’s what Stalin would have done.

AuthorSmoking Barrel

This whole NBC/Conan O'Brien vs Jay Leno Tonight Show BS has really been the focus of attention for the past two weeks or so. It is my opinion that NBC is making a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad mistake by booting Conan O'Brien (someone who is insanely FUNNY and likeable) from the Tonight Show in favor of stupid old Jay Leno and his goddamned chin (someone who is insanely UNFUNNY, stale, and tame). I know Conan's show hasn't done as well as NBC would have liked ratings-wise in the SEVEN MONTHS it was on the air, but come on. Conan O'Brien is such a more entertaining and genuinely funny person than Leno, who should have retired by now.

In the past couple weeks, the Internet has completely exploded with coverage on this story, making it seem much more important than it actually is. After all, as Conan admitted himself, this is just a story about entertainment news involving millionaire celebrity comedians, not really something that people should get all riled up about. And yet, we have, myself included.

There is currently a rally going on in front of Universal City and the Conan O'Brien NBC studio, organized by the Facebook group called I'm with CoCo. In the past week I've seen the picture posted above all over the Web, including on my personal Twitter account and countless Facebook user profiles, as a sort of showing of solidarity in this 'crisis' of late-night hosting.

I attended the rally this afternoon, despite being overcome with allergies or a cold, and despite the rainstorm going on. When I got there around 11:45 am there were already about two hundred people there, I'd guesstimate, and they were picketing, with home-made signs professing their support for Conan and disdain for the Evil Chin. Cars drove by honking in support.

Eventually the rain become overbearing, and the wind ripped around relentlessly, tearing up many umbrellas...including my own, a giveaway Oakland A's umbrella I obtained at a game about five years ago. The rain tattered and tore the umbrella until it was useless and hopelessly bent out of shape.

goodnight, Sweet Prince.

I was saddened by this loss but vowed to carry on, despite the jagged pointy metal edges and the relentless violent wind gusts blowing the rain into me at an angle.

This insane downpour didn't seem to have kept many people away from attending this rally, as the output was considerably better than I was expecting, given the conditions. It just goes to show you: Conan O'Brien fans really care about this situation, going outside in this horrible weather and showing their support for Conan during this ordeal.

Let's get one thing straight: yes, Conan is receiving a nice hefty payday out of this from NBC, and he will be able to move to another network or something and continue broadcasting, but the whole principle of the situation is what bothers me and so many other Conan die-hards. This rally probably won't directly accomplish anything, but it has attracted interest from more than a thousand people and some news networks, who were there interviewing people in the rain. NBC will feel the impact of this when its audience dwindles away to nothing, which I hope happens.

Yes, there are more serious things to spend time protesting and rallying for than who hosts a late night talk show, but sometimes you have to show support for entertainers who are being fucked around by their bosses, which is the case for Conan right now.

When you sign a contract to host a late night program, you should be able to count on doing so FOR LONGER THAN SEVEN MONTHS. NBC, though, has said "meh we're over it" and decided to re-install Jay Leno as the Tonight Show host, despite the fact that Jay Leno is horribly lame and unfunny.

In the long run, I really hope NBC experiences a huge drop-off in ratings after the switch, as I for one will not be supporting the network. I'll watch my NBC shows on sketchy websites, so as to not help out in giving NBC any website traffic. I encourage all other Conan O'Brien fans to do the same. Considering how NBC's only really good shows are the Office and Parks & Recreation (ok, maybe 30 Rock), this shouldn't be too hard to handle.

Seeing the turnout today at the I'm with CoCo rally really showed me just how passionate his fans are; while they might not all have been watching the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien enough, that doesn't mean they weren't Conan fans; since Conan took over the show in June, the jokes and the content were considerably dumbed-down from what they were previously on Late Night with Conan. This probably turned off some of his long-time fans, upset over the change in content that was necessary given the earlier timeslot. Fans who loved the Masturbating Bear and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog were probably miffed that they weren't really a part of the new show, so they stopped watching. Hence, the ratings went down, and the show is in jeopardy.

Personally, I've attended tapings of Late Night with Conan O'Brien in New York in 2006 and San Francisco in 2008.

I also went to a taping of the Tonight Show last Monday, the 11th, and actually got a few seconds of screen time during the Audiencey Awards segment (yeah yeah, shameless plug, but it's pretty damn awesome to see yourself on TV). Conan truly is a hilarious, irreverent comedian, the perfect type of person to host a late-night talk show. Late Night with Conan O'Brien was consistently funny, and when I heard he was taking over for Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, I was really excited. I had tried to get tickets to a taping since the premiere in June, but was unable to do so until last week.

NBC is making a stupid mistake replacing Conan with Leno. EVERYONE seems to be against Leno and NBC in this, including other late night hosts, such as Jimmy Kimmel, who hosted an entire episode of his show Jimmy Kimmel Live last week dressed as Leno, complete with ridiculous fake chin and silly hair. It was quite amazing, and he even went on Leno the next night for a brief interview in which he COMPLETELY DOMINATED Leno and made fun of him to his face, as well as pointing out that "Conan and I have children, you have cars. You have $800 million. Leave our shows alone!" to which Jay didn't really have much of a comeback.

Since this situation has gone on, Conan's show has almost reverted back to what it was before, as he just doesn't give a shit anymore. The jokes are almost always at the expense of NBC, with Conan laughing at how the Olympics on NBC are expected to be a huge loss in money for the network. He's obviously bitter about the whole thing, and rightly so. He and his entire staff (or most of them) UPROOTED themselves and MOVED out to Los Angeles for this show, which was supposed to be a long-term thing. Yes, Conan is rich and won't have to worry about anything financially, but what about his staff? They moved out here with promise of a long-term job, and now NBC is just going to lay them all off, essentially. It's fucked up.

I know this has been a really long read, but I had to vent on the situation, as an avid Conan fan (and a fan of humor in general). If you honestly prefer Jay Leno over Conan O'Brien, you just don't appreciate or really understand humor.

What NBC is doing to Conan O'Brien is shameful, and I hope the network experiences exceptionally low ratings as a result. Considering they're already usually in last place for ratings anyway, that shouldn't be very hard.

I'll follow Conan wherever he ends up, and watch whatever show he gets next. As for NBC, you've lost a viewer because of your nonsense. I hope other Conan fans follow suit.

Conan = yes.

Jay Leno = no.

AuthorCheese Sandwich
5 CommentsPost a comment

facebook-logoSay what you will about Facebook but like it or hate it, it does have purpose in this world and it is here to stay.  Why do I bring up the Social Networking Titan?  Simple; I have figured out what great good it has done for my life and I now feel the need to justify all those hours that I spend playing Mafia Wars and sending virtual flowers to my friends. In our increasingly global generation, the utility of Facebook has reunited a great many of us with friends from High School, College or that job you had in another state/country (and man do you miss those people!).  It has enabled us to reconnect with people we genuinely wanted to be reconnected with…as well as the occasional and or rather frequent 200 odd people that we didn’t necessarily need and or want to be reconnected with, but our (my) desire to be polite and likable has lead us to click the accept button on the friend request….then again maybe you’re that charming asshole (and I like assholes, don’t forget) that only accepts the requests from people who are cool enough for you and refuse to let the masses fill up your “friend” space.

That being said, what is the point of reconnecting with lost acquaintances?

It eliminates the need to ever go to a reunion.


Think about it; What do people really get out of reunions?  You run around a gym or hotel for a few hours, tell everyone you recognize (or don’t) what you do, who you married and/or divorced and why your kids drive you crazy, those adorable little devils *wink*.

Well…I don’t want to do that!...and now I don’t have to.  My curiosity about a few people has been satisfied thanks to some emails, a super poke here and there, photo albums and my favorite, a visit to my (or your) city and cocktails courtesy of my knowledge of their being in town via FB.


I know who you married, I know what your kids look like and I see that you like to send virtual flowers to save square inches of the Rainforests so your politics haven’t changed much.  Cool!  Now let’s commence with our futures, instead of wondering about our past.  Mysteries solved, case closed, check your homepage for updates if you like, enjoy being more intimately connected to your favorites more than once every 10 years, and don’t waste the plane fair!


Let’s not forget Networking!  VIVA networking.  Do you now work in similar fields with people you had something in common with when you were 18?  No surprise really and now you can help each other if you like!  No more drunken business card passing over the open bar which you just end up dropping in the parking lot while you’re screwing your crush from 15 years ago up against a school bus…too far?!  Ok, but you have to admit, Facebook is way better…and dude, Mafia Wars!


2467621236_ed93c01884 It's a known fact that LA is littered with screenwriters. Lots of them. Tens of thousands to be exact. Some are professionals, some are hobbyists, and others are uninspired goons trying to cash in on the illusory spec sale lottery. Anyone who lives in Los Angeles and has walked ten paces to a Starbucks knows that there is a good chance the coffee shop chain will be infested with amateur and professional screenwriters penning the next summer blockbuster or quirky-ironic indie cult hit.

Taking some time to investigate this topic, I came to realize that simply saying Starbucks was integral to so many screenwriters' writing processes was as much of an understatement as saying Richard Simmons is simply chipper. After starting to investigate, what I found was a much scarier, horrific, monster. Something so shocking and revealing that I knew immediately I had to share it with the rest of the world. What follows is my multi-part expose on the present state of "Starbucks Screenwriters."

Gone are the times when writers sat outside restaurants and bars sucking cigarettes and downing glass after glass of brown liquor, exhausting themselves over their next novel or screenplay. From Hemingway penning  The Sun Also Rises amid cafe hopping among some of the great Parisian cafes of the 1920s, to Diablo Cody scribing "Juno" at a Starbucks inside of a Target, the times are a changin', my friend. Honest to blog? You have no idea.


"It's a known fact that screenwriting at Starbucks has increased significantly in the past several years, and one of the giveaways is due to the recent barage of screenplays with music written into the script... music from artists like Norah Jones, Paul McCartney, John Mayer, and Feist, Starbucks audio favorites."

This is what Hollywood producer Thomas Glen (Titanic 2: The Iceberg Takes Manhattan, Rocky VII: The Metameusel Chronicles) had to say about the topic, who I met at a Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, where I was going to scout out local screenwriters and try to get the inside scoop on this recent phenomenon. He was waiting to meet Lindsay Lohan to discuss a future film project, but had just recieved a text saying she's running a little late, so he granted me a few moments to discuss the state of "Starbucks Screenwriters."


"First off, whenever one of our readers gets a script that's starts with music from the likes of Feist or Lily Allen, we immediately throw that script in the trash. It's not so much that it's a bad song from the artist, it's just we as the industry know that whatever follows is not going to be quality material. It's obvious the writer has written this screenplay at Starbucks and we know that he or she is just going to be too hopped up on caramel macchiatos to write anything close to coherent.

Mr. Glen than immediately pointed to a man in his early thirties, pounding away at a netbook in the corner by the bathrooms. "See him in the corner? He's on his third act. See how much he's shaking rom the caffeine? The script is not going to be consistent." Thomas than went on to say: "We see it all the time. The scripts start off very slow, and develops a faster pace, then by the end of the second act, the characters are talking ten times as fast as the were in the beginning and scenes last no more than twenty seconds. It's from the potent mixture of the espresso and the sugary syrups. By "FADE OUT" all the dialogue is ending with exclamation points and the action sentences are just one word fragments. And they don't even make any sense at that.

Something else noticed by the upper rungs in Hollywood is the amount of scripts coming taking place in a Starbucks. Thomas pointed out several examples of scripts he's recieved in the past month... "It's like 'Snakes on a Plane' but in a Starbucks. It's 'Waiting' at a Starbucks. It's 'Armageddon' at a Starbucks. See what we have to deal with? When you've been living off vegan scones and pumpkin bread for the last five weeks, you're not in a stable enough mental state to choose what shirt you're going to wear that day, let alone write a screenplay.


Just then, Mr. Glen turned his attention to the door where it was no other than Lindsay Lohan, stumbling inside. Mr. Glen muttered "Fuck my life," and I extended my hand, thanked him for his time, and swiftly left the table.

Oh, my friends, my investigating as only begun. Stay tuned 'til next week where I interview local Starbucks baristas, assiduous screenwriters, and a special celebrity about the current state of "Starbucks Screenwriters" in Tinseltown.

AuthorAustin Rafter
2 CommentsPost a comment

With no clue on what it's like being a daughter, I can only imagine that one would miss out on a lot of great advice and lessons, things that can only be passed down from father to son. Male to male. With that said... In celebration of Father's Day, I'd like to look back at some of the most important lessons our fathers have taught us... from a male's perspective:


"There comes a time in every man's life where..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know dad. Where he wants to grope his female classmates in gym class."

"Right. But I just want you to know that it's prefect naturally. It's perfectly natural to want to grope your female peers in gym class. And soon enough you'll get intimate with one of these girls. You'll be crazed, horny, and hormonal from watching those scandalous music videos... she'll be jacked up on hormones from the whole milk she's drinking at lunch... and you two will sneak behind the school yard to her house when her parents are at work. You two will get into her bed and make sex. I just want to make sure you use protection. That's why I'm giving you this --"

THE MAGNUM CONDOM. Ron Jeremy couldn't fit into this, let alone your scrawny ass boner. But this is how your father was. Polite. Generous. Optimistic. Optimistic that one day you might be able to fill it with genetically endowed baby-making equipment.

Then came the tips.

"Your mother and I like to do it..."

"Dad, dad. Please. Eww."


All he wanted was to give you a few pointers. He'd picked up a lot of tricks in the past twenty years. And who better to share them with then his own son.

"The key is to stimulate both the -- "



It was a delicious, well-thought out transition into the next topic...

While gliding through the confessions of falsity regarding the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Stork, and Santa Clause, your father also had to break the news that it wasn't ghosts making those moans all those Saturday nights. Somehow he thought this would be less scary than ghosts. Let me tell you it was not.

"Well, tell your economics teacher to go fuck him self," he'd say. He cared so much about your education.

"I'm going to pull you out of those god forsaken liberal fuck fest of a public school and get you a real education. A private school. Or the military. St. Genevieve's on Claremont.

He taught you how to trick or treat. How to map out the most economical route through the neighborhood, hitting the most spots in as little time possible...  where to avoid the old ladies' bag of pennies and how to nail the rich couple who gave out king size candy bars multiple times in the one night, simply by adding accessories to your costume.


He taught you how to catch a fly ball. He taught you how to hit line drives into left center. He taught you that a cup was for protecting your family jewels, not for wearing as a helmet or drinking Sunny-D out of. And these are lessons that invaluable.

It's these lessons that are cherished and never forgotten.  Things we reminisce on Father's Day. So, here's to you, Dad. And thanks to the invention of email... I am finally able to fill up that magnum you gave me oh so long ago. You know what I'm talking about.

AuthorAustin Rafter