I don't hate watch very many shows. In fact, Girls might be the only one. And every time I endure another episode, I ask myself: What am I doing this all for? I wonder if I'm masochistic enough to watch the impending third season after all that Lena Duham has tarnished for me. Five items of which you can read below. It's forced comedic banter like this that makes me sometimes feel like I'm watching Full House.

5) Jewel: Can I ever listen to “Hands” again? No. It just reminds me of her and that accursed scene from Season One where she's listening to it in her car.

http://youtu.be/AfsS3pIDBfw

4) Kanye West and Daft Punk: I am forever haunted by Marnie’s acapella version of "Harder, Better, Faster Stronger."

http://youtu.be/68cmKBbE_gc

3) Q-tips: I have post-traumatic stress syndrome from watching Dunham penetrate too far past the ear drum.

http://youtu.be/uqIXqIOx-Fw

2) Donald Glover: Why’d you do it Childish Gambino? Why? We all know you would never have sex with Lena Dunham in real life.

As if.

1) Greenpoint, Williamsburg and surrounding Brooklyn areas: Now, everything is tainted with her presence—from Spoonbill and Sugartown to Café Grumpy.

Contaminating Spoonbill and Sugartown.

With the advent of Season Three, there will invariably be a plethora of other cringe-worthy elements to torment my existence. If this is the Sex and the City of the current generation, I want desperately to return to a former era--even if it means Giuliani as mayor. Or perhaps I should just settle on The Carrie Diaries as some sort of solution to my need for female-centric programming.

 

 

 

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I don't much care for Top 40 dance/hip-hop club bangers. The exception to this is Party Rock Anthem, which is just ridiculously infectious.

That said, I, like most other people who live on the Internet all day long, am frequently subjected to what is "popular" with the "kids" - well, the kids that don't shop at Hot Topic.

As such, I heard Jennifer Lopez's On the Floor enough to get very sick of it , quickly, over the course of the past year or so. Pitbull's involvement with the track didn't help matters. When I heard it, it sounded oddly familiar, even though I knew I hadn't heard it before.

http://youtu.be/t4H_Zoh7G5A

Or had I?

Again, I DON'T go out of my way to listen to Top 40 jams, but I do occasionally go to malls or department stores (or fashionable joints, when coerced by my gf), where they play the kind of music that makes me long to be deaf...or back it up like a Tonka Truck. It really depends on my mood.

Somewhere along the way I would hear this vaguely European/Latin version of what sounded A LOT like On the Floor's main melody, but with an accordion or some other such instrument. This was amplified when my day job moved into our current office, connected to a warehouse that would play KISS FM, L.A.'s leading assault-on-the-ears Top 40 Jams station. I heard BOTH J. Lo and the mysterious accordion melody version all day long, and it was slowly driving me batshit insane.

Well, after some Internet sleuthing, I stumbled upon this article at Salon that was written roughly a year ago. It blew me away.

To summarize: not only was I correct in thinking On the Floor was familiar, it RIPS OFF A SONG THAT ALREADY RIPS OFF ANOTHER SONG.

Pop music is a vortex of repetition and overused melodies, and this seals it.

My girlfriend was lamenting how KISS frequently played a song that sounded exactly the same as the J. Lo jam, but I couldn't figure out what it was...until now.

http://youtu.be/TF011OSwRtQ

^^ That is the second song that uses the same melody, but since most Top 40 songs today don't offer much in terms of creativity, they often sample forgotten 1980s songs...or just flat-out rip off other melodies, licensed or not.

This was a case of the latter...you see, the song above, Edward Maya's Stereo Love, already lifted its melody from an Azerbaijani musician. As the Salon piece so nicely summarizes:

Soon after "Stereo Love" was released in the fall of 2009, Azerbaijani composer Eldar Mansurov came forward and contacted the Romanian Copyright Office (Romania is Maya's country of origin) to file a copyright infringement claim. According to Mansurov, the refrain of "Stereo Love" was a copy of a song he composed in 1989 titled "Bayatilar." At the time, Maya claimed that he tried locating the original composer of the song, which he heard over the internet. He (probably a little too quickly, in retrospect) gave up the search when he couldn't find the rightful owner, and went ahead and used the music (crediting the author as Anonymous). In the end, he had no choice but give a full co-writer's credit to Mansurov. .

Here's Bayatilar.

http://youtu.be/LyUjUfV6tt8

So, in case this ranting has enveloped you, J. Lo's On the Floor sounds like Edward Maya's Stereo Love, which sounds like (and stole from) Eldar Mansurov's Bayatilar. In theory, Mansurov is the mastermind behind both international club hits. Nicely done, sir!

As for me, this reinforces my opinion that pop music eats itself and is content to repeatedly churn out the same detritus over and over, regardless of silly things like, oh, copyrights, legality, and the old-fashioned and outdated concept of WRITING YOUR OWN DAMN MUSIC.

Que sera, sera, right?

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AuthorCheese Sandwich
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Internet stalking presents no challenge. Before the internet, stalking people was a lot more effort. When you wanted to stalk someone, you had to figure out where they lived, or their phone number, or whether they had pets that would rip off your face while you were trying to take pictures through their window. Even when the internet was in its youth, you still had to find out a person’s screen name to look at their profile.  But…sigh…now with social networking sites like Facebook, Myspace,  and Twitter, not only can you find out everything about other people, but you can probably get naked pictures of them while you’re at it. Where’s the fun in stalking?

If video games have taught us anything, it’s that the effort required to do something increases the amount of positive chemicals released when you get the reward. Before, stalking was an experience. It took days of hunting to figure out a schedule. There was a lot of planning involved and a chance that you could get caught. Sometimes, you failed. Risk and reward were prevalent. Now? The worst thing that can happen is that they only release information to their friends, and you have to click on their friends until you find one that shares information with everyone. Eventually, you still get naked pictures, and no one’s the wiser. Worse for the stalker, you could probably just friend request them and get it anyway. Who rejects those?

I just don’t understand how this never comes up in general conversation about the dangers of the internet.  After all, if the stalkers aren’t stalking people, then what are they doing? It’s an intriguing question to ask, but my guess is that they’re probably thinking of new ways to bring back the hunt. That kind of thinking can only lead to murder. Or emo vampires. Holy shit, I think I just figured out how Twilight is a success.

Do emo vampires imitate life, or does life imitate emo vampires?

Posted
AuthorPsych
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Miss California 2009 Carrie Prejean Retains Her CrownI wasn't sure it was possible, but there's someone I hate more than Carrie Prejean--it's her mom, Francine. Billy Bush interviews the elder Prejean on his show where she calls Larry King a little wimp for being put in his place by her 22 year old daughter. Put in his place-- of course-- refers to when the beauty queen made headlines by refusing to answer Larry's questions about why she chose to settle her lawsuit with the Miss America pageant. Donning an eerie pageanty frozen smile, Carrie repeatedly told Larry he was being inappropriate with his questions regarding her settlement. She got so agitated, that she stopped talking altogether and began conversing with someone off screen. She would have left the interview too, if she had been able to figure out how to remove the microphone. Sadly, what the pundits say about her intelligence, seems all too true. At least now, we know where she gets it from.

Listen to Francine here.

Money - It's why you Labor Keeping with the Holiday tradition, it’s time to discuss Labor Day. Once upon a time Labor Day had something to do with people working. Since capitalism has assaulted the ability for people to get the day off on Labor Day (particularly in the retail sector), this is no longer the case. Fortunately, labor also refers to women giving birth. There’s plenty of those right now, and we can still celebrate this holiday.

Look around. In every direction there is a woman either pregnant, with a newborn, or actually in the midst of giving birth. Since, I don’t understand why a person would ever want to have a baby, I consulted the wikipedias, which told me:

Labor is one of the three fundamental forms of activity that form the vita activa. It is repetitive and never-ending.

I don’t know what a vita activa is, but I do know this. This process needs to end. Children are not cute, so much as a disease that plagues our Earth. And here is why.

Children Consume

Also consumes and destroys.

Children are parasites. From the moment of conception, they feed on the womb of the host mother. During the whole process of pregnancy, the parasite will cause the woman to eat more. Once the labor process has been completed,  the parasite will then feed on everything around it until it dies. It also has the possibility of becoming extremely destructive or emo, with little possibility of anything in between. Given that, why would you want to spawn more? Godzilla also consumes and destroys. He is, however, significantly cuter than most children and also combats giant moth creatures, dragons, and Mecha-Godzilla.

Children Make Women Unattractive

It is suggested that pregnant women are hot. I’ve never understood this concept for three major reasons. First, no matter how much bigger the breasts get, the stomach increases disproportionately. In other words, being pregnant  turns chicks into fatties. Second, even though they can’t get pregnant while they’re pregnant, they’ll eventually expel a parasite. That parasite is like herpes, in that it never goes away. Finally, once  a woman has a child, you know they can never be trusted to not have a child in the future. You will always have to wear at least two condoms to combat this. If you’re doing that, you may as well not have sex.

Labor Sucks

The reason there is a Holiday for Labor Day is so that people don’t have to Labor. I know this may sound counter intuitive, but it’s true. The Canadians fought hard so that we could take a day away from laboring, and we need to celebrate that. Labor, as in work, sucks because it’s usually something unpleasant that you’re forced to do in order to acquire enough money to eat. Or if you’re a farmer, just to eat. Labor, as in childbirth, is something no one is forced to do. It is extremely painful and kind of gross. So, at the very least, we should avoid having children on Labor Day. (And also every other day)

Other options include Robots

Dear readers, please heed my call and stop getting pregnant on Labor Day. Or anywhere near Labor Day. I know you want someone to take care of you in your old age, but there are other options. If you must have children, consider getting pregnant immediately after Labor Day. That way, you’ll be done in time to celebrate.

Posted
AuthorPsych
CategoriesRant

Too. Many. Laws. Fuck incompetent people for ruining it for the rest of us. Speeding is one of the few joys in life anyone can experience whenever they want…assuming they have a car anyway. There is something about going 90mph+ on the freeway that’s just fulfilling, and I can’t do it without ultra paranoia about getting a traffic ticket. And that ruins all the joy.

Why should we have to deal with this anyway? It’s not like I’ve ever crashed into a car because I was speeding. My guess is that most of us haven’t. But some retard got behind a wheel one day and decided to crash into someone else. It’s equivalent to toys not having small parts because a Darwin reject baby thought choking on plastic was a good idea. Hint: it’s not. Why punish the rest of the children because of that? That’s evolutionary discrimination.

At least we're not British.

On top of that, I can’t talk on my cell phone while driving either. Really? Is that because I need both hands to drive, or is it because I can’t pay attention to driving while I’m talking to other people? If it’s the first, then why am I allowed to eat/masturbate/sacrifice kittens while driving? If it’s the second, then why don’t my passengers have to keep silent? Again, it’s because some incompetent jerk ruined it for the rest of us. They more than likely would’ve crashed with or without the phone. Fuck them.

The no texting while driving law makes sense. A whole lot of sense. Looking at a little screen and typing with both hands while driving is a bad idea. But, even that is safer if it’s legal. I’ll explain. If you have to hide your phone, you have no possibility of looking at the road while texting. If you can hold it up to the windshield, you’ll at least be able to see the cars you’re about to hit when you’re texting “lol” back to a friend.

No worries, though. I have a solution. It’s time to do two things. First, we need to make it illegal to ticket someone unless physical damage actually occurs. If you are an incompetent person, you’ll get ticketed. We can even make the tickets grotesquely expensive. That way, no one else has to pay for your stupidity. Success.

Street violinists need food too.

The second thing is to make it so tickets don’t fund the police department. They could fund…the arts. We would see a huge decrease in the amount of traffic tickets given out if the police knew that giving out a ticket would feed the homeless (musicians/artists) instead of giving the fuzz a Christmas bonus.

Seriously, how did we let these laws pass in the first place? I hope there is a special place in Hell for the first person who said, “Hey, we should make everyone suffer because some retard doesn’t know how to drive.”

I don’t read the news. I don’t like news stories. I think people who write news just find anything that can be a topic and then make things up for four paragraphs…which is my job. Why would I want to read something that I could’ve written? The purpose of the news is to inform, and I suppose it does accomplish that goal. But, the information given tends to be unimportant and often based in opinion.  Here are some examples of today’s news, and what’s wrong with it.

Microsoft, Yahoo team up to ding Google with Bing

Source: Yahoo

Problem:  This article is actually pretty good. Watching wars between internet giants is fun, so the content is interesting. The problem is this line:

Taking over the search responsibilities on Yahoo's highly trafficked site gives Microsoft a better chance to convert Web surfers who had been using Google by force of habit.

Force of habit? Really? How many of you use Google out of habit? I’ve tried using every other search engine, and the only one that brings up any useful results is Google. Bing isn’t nearly as good, except possibly for image searching. Maybe, I’m just nitpicking, but I don’t like it when a news article tells me that I’m only using something out of habit, when I’m using it because it’s the best. Also, this information doesn't really change anything for anyone but an investor. Investors, of course, already knew this was going on.

Title: Doctor suffering financially when he decided to work for Jackson

Source: CNN

A weird peanut creature could write more interesting things.

Problem: This should be obvious. First, the title is a problem. Michael Jackson died a long internet time ago. We shouldn’t have to assume that Jackson means Michael. Second, the content. Who cares about Michael Jackson’s doctor? The fact that a front page CNN news story is about the possible wrongdoing of a celebrity’s doctor makes me cry for society. Finally, let’s be serious. What doctor doesn’t have financial problems? And if you did have financial problems, wouldn’t you rush to work for Michael Jackson if you could? That seems an obvious choice. And would you kill your cash cow? I wouldn’t.

Title: Foetus cut from murdered US woman

Source: BBC news

Problem: No, that’s not a typo. They’re British, and they spell funny. The problem is that it’s not much of a news article, and there’s no real purpose for it other than shock value. Yes, that’s shocking, but not informative. The information it provides is on the same level as having a news article about an abortion…or about going to the dentist. A secondary problem is that letting people know that this sort of thing is possible really just encourages that sort of activity. Now you know that you can murder your friend and steal her baby. Gross.

Title: Tanning beds as carcinogenic as asbestos and cigarettes

Srsly. Obvious.

Source: Los Angeles Times

Problem: Let’s go with the obvious factor on this one. We know this. Everyone knows this. This article may as well be saying that having a knife in your lung is not conducive to healthy living. Getting shot in the head will ruin your day. Showing your tits will make people stare at you. Stripping in front of your students will get you fired. A topic like this is only informative if you haven’t been paying much attention.

I want to point out that all of these are front page news story. Not only that, they were the first or second topic on the list. I didn’t skip over titles because they sounded like they might’ve been factual and interesting. I didn’t even go back to yesterday. Have we become so retarded this stuff gets hits? If so, I cry for the future.

Posted
AuthorPsych
CategoriesRant

We all have spent countless hours of our lives on one of these three sites and copy cats like them. They are the hottest thing since...since some other internet site that posted stories of your stupid friends.

Ha ha phones

FML is for those of you having a bad day and want reassurance that others are having it worse. FML went from funny unfortunate events to a pathetic pity party.  Textsfromlastnight is more for the web 2.0 crowd, who have moved on from drunk dials, to Shakespearean wit in 35 words or less. And finally My Life Is Average is the hilarious take on FML. Users submit stories about how normal and boring their lives are. The last two are funny and my personal favorites.

You have to be the stupidest person alive to believe half of them. These sites check their facts less then MSNBC and FOX combined. Some posts that make you think there is a small chance they aren't making this up. You know a guy or gal that might very well have broken into the back of a bar and tried to cook pasta. I know some classy people that have done things exactly like what is on those sites.

You shouldn't laugh but you do because it is completely anonymous. That is the greatest joy of these sites. No one knows who you are and how stupid or horrible you are. So you can be immortalized with all the other jerks of history, but you can walk down the street or even strike again.

I was thinking about these sites and how I could jump on the bandwagon and make some money. So here are some new ideas that should be made:

Skypes From Last Night: Making drunk dials visual. When you can't put down the tequila but can turn on the webcam. Comb your hair at least.

My Life Is Like A Judd Apatow Movie: The abbreviation is the best part of this joke.

I totally don't understand why my really hot gf, who wouldn't ever talk to me in reality, doesn't verbally spar with me about why Ewoks are gay. -MLISAJAM

Fanboy Texts From The Movie Line: Want to hear about the troubles of nerds waiting for their favorite movie to come out in the cold? Me neither but they run the internet:

(212) Dude I'm second in line to some asshole and his kid who wasn't even born when the original came out.

(817) Oh noes all my bottles are full and I need to pee.

Rich FML: Capitalizing on the wealthy 1 percent of Americans' troubles and woes. You will see posts like this:

Jenna got the same limited edition pink Mercedes as me. And I'm sure she is going to my husband about me and the pool boy. - RFML

3rd World FML: I know most don't have access to the Internet, but I think they have drama queens who need to bitch about their problems too:

Taktak stole the last grain of rice. Why wont my diaherria stop?-3rdWFML

We are all going to hell for this.

Oh come on Harry its not that bad.

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AuthorBTH Staff
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I read the Emmy nomination list and saw that Battlestar Galactica, my favorite show, only got two nominations in it's terminal season - the best season next to the first. One of the nominations was for the web series Face of the Enemy, which was boring until you saw how it affected Gaeta. More to the point, this show was the highest rated SciFi show ever. Ron Moore, the show's creator, got nothing in his last season. He took the nerdiest, cultiest TV show, and made it into a great drama (but remained nerdy and culty). I was thinking the Emmy voters would Peter Jackson him for four seasons of greatness, but no. I am furious that a show of that magnitude and quality got out-shined in its twilight. It made Tricia Helfer's career as well as resurrecting Edward Jame Olmos from Stand and Deliver obscurity.

The Adama's disapprove of your shenanigans. And it's SciFi not SyFy!

The last episode of Battlestar was nominated, which it should be, because it will blow your mind. Then it will make you go:

Really? That's how it ends. Uh, well there goes five years of my life.

More importantly, watch the series now that it will all be on DVD, because you don't have to suffer through the almost year break between season 4 and season 4.5; I'm not going to ruin any thing that was left unanswered during that period.

When a great titan passes in any realm - be it TV, film, or the cult of celebrity (Michael Jackson) - there is a somber pause and reflection. I just believe that it is rare to even see a taped show any more, with all the reality shows, let alone a great one. Just think that According to Jim has had a longer run than Battlestar and none of you remembered it was still on. This show needs to be honored like so many other great space shows before it...okay maybe there weren't any, but still.

I want Battlestar's moment in the sun that it deserves, so at this years Emmy's, I'm calling for a full boycott, unless these demands are met:

  1. The show is hosted by the Admiral himself, with Colonel Tigh at his side.
  2. Lee Adama stops being such a whiney little baby and just goes with the next living non-angel/cylon female fleet member as his date. Who is, I dunno, Celix, I think?
  3. Tricia Helfer and Grace Park copies are the models who carry out the statues.
  4. Baltar wins all the male acting categories and sleeps with all the female winners.
  5. Cavel gets the lifetime achievement award for sleeping with his creator, who based him after her dad. Ew.

I picked five in honor of the final five (I know I'm a nerd). So when you watch the Emmy's remember, millions of Capricans died, so that House could be nominated for his billionth Emmy.

I'd like to see Tina Fey try to play multiple copies of herself in sexy outfits