Sarah Jessica Parker’s roles in Hocus Pocus and Sex and the City might, at first glance, seem like two unlikely characters to compare, but, upon closer examination, it’s easy to see just how similar the ditzy witch, Sarah Sanderson, and the “sexual anthropologist,” Carrie Bradshaw truly are. For one, both women rely heavily on their feminine wiles to get things done. Though Sarah is more overt about it, Carrie is just as ready and willing to use her vagina as a means to an end. And, ultimately, don’t most people view the vagina as some sort of sorcery anyway? Witchy women.

What Carrie Bradshaw is most noted for, her innovative fashion sense, is also something Sarah Sanderson possesses. Granted, she’s generally wearing a velvety dress from the 1600s and a cape for most of it, but still, it’s pretty revolutionary for 1993, the year the Sanderson sisters are resurrected. Paired with the ultimate functional fashion accessory, her broom, to tool around town, Sarah might actually be more chic for not bothering with the gauche practice of taking a cab (or, in those rare moments, the subway). Although, what Carrie does have over Sarah is living in New York City, instead of some drab, dreary town like Salem. But again, the comparisons arise in that they both gallivant around a city on the Eastern Seaboard.

Sarah and Carrie both wield magical power, of sorts, over men.

The most overt similarity between the two women, however, is their stance on men. Viewing them as something of a sport—specimens to be toyed with—both Sarah and Carrie look to boys, men and everything in between that resembles the gender as things to be toyed with and explored. It might even be viable to say that Sarah is exactly what Carrie was like in her early 20s and still had yet to care about her carefully cultivated image. All it would take for Sarah to get to the Carrie point is one heartbreak from the wrong warlock.

Again, exhibiting overt enthusiasm for dudes.

The final nail in the coffin of likeness (in trying to keep with the Halloween motif of Hocus Pocus) is the fact that both Sarah and Carrie roll with a coven. Sarah’s crew might only have two fellow witches to Carrie’s three fellow bitches, but each woman still embodies the same archetypes. Mary (Kathy Najimy) is the obvious choice for Charlotte—prudish and unassuming—while Winnie (Bette Midler) is the Miranda of the group—intelligent and condescending. Sarah represents both Carrie and Samantha (Kim Cattrall) in the free-spirit/slut combo role.

Hanging with a posse.

The jump from witch to rich seems simple enough for Sarah Jessica Parker in terms of character roles. But she’ll always have her original, fun-loving sorceress to thank for reaching Carrie Bradshaw status. And so, Candace Bushnell and Michael Patrick King might actually have Hocus Pocus screenwriters Mick Garris and Neil Cuthbert to thank for their carefully crafted HBO franchise.





It's really great and all that women of the late 1960s and most of the 1970s blazed a path of freedom for expression (RIP Betty Friedan and thank you to The Runaways), but why does it seem like people with vaginas are far more objectified now than they ever were circa 1940-1965? In today's society, lyrics, images, and overall attitudes toward "ladies" are laughably offensive. And yet, back during the era of what is now looked back upon as overt sexism, men would tip their hats, say a few kind words, and even--gasp--have a conversation about something other than which orifice he was going to stick his dick in (not that this is ever usually an elaborate conversation topic).

Is it simply that women had this pent up need to be viewed as slutbags and men, likewise, had been waiting all this time to finally stop feigning politeness and just express their sole desire to fuck? I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is that in the last decade alone, the things that are permitted to slip by in the media have reached a point where nothing is shocking anymore in terms of sexual explicitness and an overall disregard for the idea that a woman might have a mind behind those big, dumb eyes staring straight at your cock. This isn't to say that women aren't in control of how they come across; all of the females reigning in the pop charts right now are entirely conscious of the sex-soaked image they have created. But it is to say that they are influenced by what they feel men want.

Where dudes can definitely be blamed is in the category of lyrics. Most songs in the Top 40 at the moment feature lyrical content that would make Eleanor Roosevelt blush and then burst into flames. Some examples include: "I'ma disrobe you then I'ma probe you" (courtesy of Kanye West in "E.T."), "All I need is some vodka and some coke and watch, she gon' get donkey konged (courtesy of Pitbull in "On the Floor"), and "I heard you good with them soft lips...the things that we can do in twenty minutes girl" (courtesy of Drake in "What's My Name?"). Look, I'm all for parading your sexual whims, but does it all have to be phrased in such a goddamn crass manner?

Of course, both periods of time--now and then--have their advantages and disadvantages in terms of how women are perceived, but, in the vague defense of "then," at least ads like the one below were to be expected. The nature of how women are viewed hasn't really changed, it's just become repackaged for twenty-first century consumption.

In a world where no one can say anything without wordplay that boggles the mind, it’s no surprise that readers think that William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy when it is clearly not. Romeo and Juliet is a story about how sometimes the best possible outcome involves a couple of deaths. Just in time for Valentine’s, here is my analysis of Romeo and Juliet. The story begins with two warring factions, the Montagues and the Capulets. These two families fight each other constantly, terrorize fair Verona, and ultimately cause more damage to property and life than Prince Escalus, the ruler of Verona, is prepared to tolerate. Escalus warns the two families that if they continue to fight, he’s going to lay the smack down.

Neither Gaston nor Romeo can read, but man are they hot.

Meanwhile, a young boy named Romeo is busy being emo. He, much like Barney Stinson, has used every trick in the book in order to try to win the heart of Rosaline, who is apparently super hot. Benvolio, Emo-meos cousin, comes up to him and says, “There be hotter bitches, yo.” He’s right. Unfortunately they’re all at a party held by the enemy. It is there that Romeo sees someone even hotter than Rosaline and falls helplessly in lust. This is Juliet. At this point, Romeo puts on his best Gaston impression and says, “In the world there’s only she, as beautiful as me, and that is why I have to marry Belle…er Juliet.” Fortunately for Romeo, Juliet has lived a sheltered life and falls for the first trick Romeo throws at her.

Long story short, they get married and kill themselves when they can’t be together, despite excellent planning that would’ve allowed them to live happily ever after had they not been so impulsive and killed themselves. This is where people tend to think this whole thing is a tragedy. Here’s why it’s not.

First, you have to consider who you’re really looking at with Romeo. You never feel bad when Barney Stinson doesn’t corrupt a young virgin. You definitely don’t feel bad at the end of Beauty and the Beast when Gaston dies. Most importantly, you never feel bad when an emo kid suicides. After all, it’s their greatest joy in life.

I know we've just met, but would you fancy my penis in your vagina?

Juliet is almost as bad. The entire play she just talks about how she wants to get laid. Seriously. Read it again if you don’t remember that part. She talks about how she wants all of Romeo’s parts, specifically his penis. After she gets married, she makes a comment about how she’s paid for but unused. Not to mention the amount of time she spends drooling over his looks. The chick really needs to get some. Maybe the tragedy is that she was a princess and not a hooker.

Next, there’s this idea that it is a tragedy because two lovers died. After all, they were so much in love, right? Not really. They knew each other for 10 minutes before they decided that they were meant to be. I’m no expert, but that’s unhealthy relationship behavior. Plus, they just liked each other because they were the hottest people in the room. That’s not necessarily a bad reason to like a person, but it’s far from tragedy when that couple breaks up.

In any case, the reason it’s an ideal situation is this: let’s assume that Romeo and Juliet had managed to get together and stay alive. When they finally realized that they didn’t actually like each other but were highly in lust, they would’ve divorced. Now, the Capulets and Montagues don’t precisely get along to begin with. When they break up, the city would’ve fallen into more chaos than ever before. Not only that, but the death of Romeo and Juliet actually spurred the two to work together. For the little people of Verona, this was the happiest day ever. No more did they have to be wary of fights between two retarded families. They could finally live in peace, and everyone learned a valuable lesson: When emo kids die, everyone prospers.

Personally, I think the whole thing was set up by Prince Escalus. He knew that Romeo and Mercutio, a relative of the Capulets, were good friends. It was just a matter of convincing Benvolio, who always wants to keep the peace, to get Romeo to meet Juliet. Kind’ve puts Benvolio’s comment about hot bitches into perspective, doesn’t it? After that, you find a way to get Romeo banished, convince the priest to set up a ridiculous plan to make Juliet want to kill herself, and never send a letter to tell Romeo what’s going on. Star-crossed lovers die. The rest of the town lives in peace. Tragedy? I think not.

P.S. Juliet Capulet is a stupid name.


Ted Mosby: "Hey Romeo, if you try to get with Juliet, the Prince of Cats will kill you."

Romeo Stinson: "Challenge accepted!"

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If you aren’t aware of Pokemon, then you’re further out of the loop than I am, and I’m talking about something that seems as if it hasn’t been relevant in years. But as social networking has become the most important thing ever, the metaphor that Pokemon has so profoundly explored becomes more and more impressive. What am I talking about? I’ll explain.

Gotta Catch 'Em All

The Pokeball is the standard method of catching Pokemon.

The basic premise of Pokemon is that you “Gotta catch 'em all”. This, oddly enough, is the same premise with social networking. The more friends you have, the more people who like what you’re promoting, or the more people that comment on your status updates, the better. The more different types of people, mindsets, and backgrounds you have, the more likely it is that you will reach someone who understands you, wants what you are selling, or can provide assistance in a situation. Pokemon knew this before Myspace was even theorized.

The Pokedex

Now, you have lots of Pokemon, but that’s not very helpful without some form of organization. To combat this, Pokemon gave us something called a Pokedex. It has random bits of information about each of the Pokemon, such as their weight, size, and type. Myspace and Facebook have similar things called profiles. People fill out these profiles and say their age, professions, relationship status, likes, dislikes, etc. This allows you to know who you are targeting or which Pokemon to use in any given situation.

But you can only use six

Seriously, Magikarp does nothing.

Pokemon originally had 150 types of creatures that you could catch, but you were restricted to using six at any given time. Originally we thought that this was because the scope of the game would be obscene if you could use all 150 at once, but that wasn’t it at all. Pokemon was creating a top list. Social networking sites mirrored this later. Myspace, for example, originally allowed you to pick eight friends that would be listed as your top friends. Why would they do that? It seems like you’re just isolating all of your other Pokemon. But, it makes sense. Just as with your real life friends, experience is only gained when a Pokemon is used in battle, and you learn to trust, love, and depend on specific Pokemon. When you choose your six Pokemon, or your eight Myspace Pokemon, you’re really just saying that these are the friends you trust to fight for you. Sometimes, you change up the order because you hope that another Pokemon can become useful. Sometimes, your friends are just Magikarps (Pokemon #129)that refuse to evolve and can only use splash.

A metaphor for friendship

It’s not just a metaphor for social networking. It’s a metaphor for friendship. You should go out and catch 'em all. Catch all the friends you can, because sometimes a lame Pokemon like Metapod will evolve into Butterfree, and then you win the game. Sometimes your worst enemies become your best friends. And sometimes, if you’re really lucky, one of your Pokemon will make you peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.


Since Behind the Hype is an L.A.-based website, we don't really believe in having a section for book reviews. Though, from what I can tell about my brief stay in New York, where once people clutched copies of meaningful literature like The Sound and the Fury or Tender is the Night during the 1960s, they now walk around parading copies of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and any of the "novels" from the bane of intelligence, Twilight. So New York may be waning in its literary credibility as well. Anyway, with or without a book review section, I feel inclined to speak about a recent reading Chuck Klosterman did at the Union Square Barnes & Noble.

Now, I should give the disclaimer to those who are Klosterman enthusiasts that Klosterman himself makes a living off of commenting on and condemning the latest pop culture trends. That is the job of someone who has a strong and informed opinion on the most important matters in life: Film and music (and for some, including Klosterman, sports). Of late, it appears, Klosterman has lost the panache he had in his previous novels, such as Killing Yourself to Live and, his masterpiece, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs (thank fuck he used an Oxford comma in the title).

To quote The Pretenders, "Don't get me wrong," I agree with Klosterman on a great many things, like his hatred of Coldplay and why they are a prime example of why no one can ever be happy in a relationship, his comparison between how time works in Saved by the Bell and in real life, and his assessment of internet porn, but these are all instances extracted from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, which was published seven years ago. In his latest attempt at embracing being typecast as the guy who talks geekily about pop culture, Klosterman maintains none of the clout from his 2003 juggernaut. Eating the Dinosaur is, to be frank, not that good. And to make matters worse, when Simon & Schuster says, "Dance, monkey, dance," Klosterman obliges. That is to say, he added two additional chapters to Eating the Dinosaur, first released in 2009. And this is precisely why he was at Barnes & Noble: To promote the book and its modifications. I don't know if that means sales have been good or bad. The publishing industry is more of a mystery to me than why Christina Hendricks from Mad Men was voted 2010's best looking American woman by Esquire (I still think it's Angelina Jolie).

The questions asked of Klosterman were typically inane and true to form for book readings (i.e. "Have you seen Inception?" or "Do you prefer musical artists with a message as opposed to those who just perform without a social agenda?"). In turn, he seemed to make his answers as close to what he thought people wanted to hear (i.e. he liked Inception and his favorite band is Kiss). But where once Klosterman exuded originality and that rare authorial quality of not giving a shit, he now seems to be clutching desperately to commenting "accurately" on pop culture, the chief example being his newly added chapter about Lady Gaga and the accompanying depreciation of Madonna (a massive faux pas in my book of sins).

It simply seems that, in becoming an unwitting member of pop culture, Klosterman has lost his previous identity as a pop culture commentator. I think he might get it back though, pending a fall from grace and a return to not being so overtly contrived.

You all know what's happening. You see it taking over the supermarkets, the florists, even the dentist's office: Hearts. Everywhere. We call this epidemic of red and chocolate, Valentine's Day, and it can either be a source of bliss or agony, depending on your fragile state of mind.

Despite the plethora of books out there that declare people to own their single status, let's face it, most people aren't completely satisfied with their vibrators or Youporn.

The trouble is Valentine's Day stigmatizes this one group rather cruelly. This scarlet lettering has inspired restaurants to hold anti-Valentine's Day themed dinners for bitter women. Chocolate cake and sorrow for dessert. I've been to a couple. Imagine restaurants filled with grimacing vodka-infused women and confused bus boys.

In Japan, it's worse. Instead of one day of emotional suffering, the country decided to create a complementary holiday called "White Day" on March 14. Valentine's Day in Japan is exclusively for men. Women will buy ludicrously priced chocolates for their true loves, who will hopefully return the favor on White Day, with even more lavish presents. The first White Day, celebrated in 1978, was concocted by a delicious candy company that has been earning very sweet profits since.

I love relationships, especially with good, sexy people. But I have never really been the type of person to agonize over being single's on Valentine's Day. I'm certainly not a subscriber to those endless survival guides that teach lonely people how to cope with the day's chocolatey bittersweet loneliness. Why do they need to be called survival guides? Do we really get that close to death if we spend this day alone?

If you want to be in love, you should want it. And I think it's perfectly okay to admit that you like love.

On the other hand, if you want reasons to embrace your singleness, I just happened to jot down a few perks right here:

1. A new study of couples found 56 percent of young adults in new sexual relationships were infected with HPV. The risk of contracting a disease has always been my favorite reason for not hooking up. And who enjoys the awkward, "Can you please just not get that into me?"

2. None of your friends will resent you. For those of you in loving, committed relationships that resemble picture frame stock photos, single people hate you, sorry.

3. Most people don't care about Valentine's Day. You'd think with all the hoop-la surrounding the holiday, that it was the second coming of Christ, but really, it's mostly Walgreens that exaggerates the holiday. Valentine's Day used to be a big deal in 5th grade when we made valentines for our classmates and ate heart-shaped cookies. As Chet Baker once eloquently crooned, "the thrill is gone."

4. There's no pressure. I've always felt an incredible amount of pressure to celebrate amazing Valentine's Days with guys. I helped my friend's boyfriend plan an insanely romantic hullalbaloo for her, complete with Tiffany jewelry! When a partner's sentiment doesn't match yours, or if it's simply a letdown, there's really nothing worse.

5. You can be with someone if you really want it. As of 2002, there are 904 dating service establishments all available to serve you and find you a potentially suitable mate. Apparently it works too: $489 million in revenues. Or if you're a millionaire, you should really visit the Millionaire Matchmaker, who is the most entertaining crazy person I've ever seen on t.v. Apparently, she has a 99 percent success rate, which makes about as much sense as this astrologer who has a money-back guarantee if a spell doesn't work.

Still I personally don't advocate singledom.

I love being in love, and I think that there is nothing more ideal than finding your soul mate.  More than the candy, flowers, and expensive four-course dinners, I prefer the free massages.

Because on the off chance that the chocolates are fruit-filled disasters, the flowers are carnations and dinner comes from the drive-thru, you can always ask for a massage to make up for everything else.

I have a love/hate relationship with social networking sites. While they provide the ability to maintain contact with people that you wouldn’t otherwise have contact with, they also seem to become the main method of communicating with people you would otherwise have a real relationship with. Why call a person when you can write on their Wall? Why visit a person when you can respond to their every tweet? Social networking becomes a way of saying:

I’m vaguely interested in your life, but not enough to put forth effort into making an actual connection.

At least social networking is only 3x as popular as human interaction.

This isn’t a bad thing on its own. After all, many of your hundreds of Facebook/Myspace friends don’t deserve more than a two sentence comment. Most of them don’t even want to know more than what your status and moods are. There is nothing wrong with that. What starts demeaning relationships is when that becomes your only method of communication with the world, including the friends that you once would’ve talked to on the phone or seen in person.

Why does this happen? It’s easy. Phenomenally easy. Take, for example, a friend’s birthday. Facebook will tell you when someone is getting older. If you’re happy that they’ve aged another year, you can immediately write on their Wall telling them so. Within fifteen keystrokes and a couple clicks of the mouse, they’ll know that you wish them a “Happy Birthday!”. Your obligations as a friend will have been fulfilled, and everyone on Facebook will know that you care enough to spend 30 seconds on them.  Or you could text them, which is slightly more personal. Or you could call them, which takes actual interaction. Think about it for a second. Which of these are you most likely to choose?

It comes down to effort. The more personal your attempt to communicate with a person is, the higher the effort. Leaving a message on a website is instant. A text is slightly more effort. Calling a person means you might actually have to spend some time talking to a person. Of course, you could get lucky and just get their voicemail.

The more this becomes an acceptable way of dealing with people, the less meaningful relationships will be. When you have a conversation, you create a unique experience with that person. When you know a person by their status updates, you have the same experience that everyone else does. You never have an intimate interaction. Without mannerisms, tone of voice, facial expressions, and even touch, you really can’t know a person. You can never be friends. You’re just text.

At least you can always talked to stuffed animals.

Which is fine for the hundreds of people you don’t really care about. But for the ones you do? Don’t forget to make the effort. Because when you ever stop making the effort, not only will you be treating your friends as if they’re not worth a call, but they might realize that they actually aren’t.

There are two things that everyone likes to hate, Zombies and Nazis. Zombies will always have a special place in my heart, but today is the day of the Nazi. With the release of Wolfenstein and Inglourious Basterds, Nazis are back in the popular scene. But why do we enjoy killing/watching Nazis die as much as we do? To find out, we need to get to the bottom of what makes a Nazi.


Nazis fear suntan lotion

Nazis hate the world. They hate everyone who isn’t like them. The reason for that is because everyone else can tan. Nazis by definition are the whitest of the white people, second only to Albino’s. While their blond hair and blue eyes might make them attractive, their near see-through skin deserves some tanning. And they can’t do it. It’s a well known fact that Nazis confuse being dirty with tanning. Because of this, when they shower, they get angry. You would too if you lost your tan after cleaning. This is the primary reason for their anger, and why they felt the need to destroy anyone who could tan. Note: that Nazis avoid sunscreen at all costs.

Good Intentions

Science could've saved millions

The Nazis didn’t start wanting to kill anybody. They just wanted to learn the secrets of tanning. That is what all the human experiments were about. Plus, when they made people dig their own graves, it was just so that people could be out in the sun. How else do you tan? It had additional benefits too, as people playing in the dirt started looking more tan. Remember, that Nazis can’t tell the difference between dirt and melanin. They were just trying to help, but eventually their frustration took over. That’s when the killing started.

More Hopeful

Hint: Not a tan

You may think that anyone who confuses dirt with a tan is stupid, but Nazis are really just more hopeful than most people. They see brown color, and their optimism leads them to believe that they’ve tanned. Think about it. They thought they could conquer all of the world and create one super race of people to live in a Utopia. That’s really hopeful. But, what they should’ve realized was that while they would never be able to get a tan, if they decided to breed with other races, their children would be able to. It is really a shame that genetic research was so poor at the time, and that Hitler just didn’t understand the way to create an Aryan race that could sit out in the sun without burning.

When you think about it, everyone likes blond haired, blue eyed people…as long as they aren’t Nazis. So why do we enjoy watching Nazis die so much? I’ve narrowed it down to two main reasons. The first is that we’re very cynical and don’t like hopeful people. So when bad things happen to the optimistic Nazis, we’re very pleased. The second reason is that they want to kill us because of our tans. And no one likes someone who is violent with envy.

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Extenze will have you believe that the longer something is the better, but it’s simply not true. Longer than it’s good refers to a situation in which something would’ve been very good, if it had ended long before it actually did. How much better would the Matrix have been if there hadn’t been a third movie? It’s not just movies, either. This problem extends to all media. We’ll cover some classic examples to explain what it means to be longer than it’s good.

Fantasy Book Series

Harry Potter and the Holes of Plot.

The list here is somewhat endless and contains many extremely good examples. However, as fantasy books aren’t terribly popular, we’ll start with these. At a glance, we have Sword of Truth (should’ve ended at book 1), Harry Potter (should’ve ended at book 6), and most famously the Wheel of Time. The Wheel of Time holds a special place in everyone’s heart. It consists of 12 books, but it is unfinished. The writer, Robert Jordan, came down with a rare blood disease and died before finishing “the last book.” The series was superb through the 7th book, at which time Robert Jordan realized he was getting very, very rich and decided to make nothing happen for the subsequent five books. As each book is about 1000 pages long, that’s a lot of nothing going on. To his credit, when he learned he was dying, he decided that the next book would be his last in the series. Unfortunately, he died before he completed it, and the task was given to Brandon Sanderson…who decided to extend the series by 3 more books. Had it ended at book 8 with a stunning conclusion, the Wheel of Time would’ve been world renowned as the best fantasy series ever. Instead, the readers wished Robert Jordan’s death…and subsequently got their wish.


Borderline Longer Than It's Good

How many songs are there that should only be 2 minutes long and feel like forever at 3 minutes? This happens all the time with amateur bands that you hear at bars. You start thinking that a song is pretty decent, then it never ends, and you wish the band would explode in a torrent of flames. While the exploding thing rarely happens, musicians continue to go on for too long. The best example of this is Sonic Youth. There is a song called The Diamond Sea. You’ve probably heard it on the radio for about 4 minutes. I did, and it was one of my favorite songs, until I found the 20 minute long album version. That’s too long. To Sonic Youth’s credit, I haven’t removed this song from my playlist yet because I still like those first 4 minutes.


Definitely Longer Than It's Good

Ever watched a movie that you thought should’ve ended before the third hour mark? How about one that should’ve ended before the ten minute mark. Titanic, for example, could’ve been an hour long and not given me a headache. In any case, the most stellar example is Blade. The first 5 minutes of Blade is the best movie ever. It’s action packed, has awesome acting, and it has a great story. It even ends with a cliffhanger. How will the vampires get back at Blade?! But then it keeps going on…and on…and on…and what you end up with is a terrible movie. And then they made two more. I would’ve paid $10 to see the first 5 minutes in the theatre on repeat for 2 hours.

Video games (Flash games in particular) are continuously worse than they should be because of longer than it’s good.  Buffets also tend to be longer than they are good. This list also includes baseball games, church, and marriage. So, if you’re a creator of something and you’re out of brilliant ideas, just stop. Just because it’s short, doesn’t mean it’s not amazing.

Next Monday Xbox will be releasing an update to their Xbox 360 Dashboard that will allow users to download most 360 games as well as Xbox original games without having to go to the store. The 360 games won't be out the same day as they are in stores. All this begs the question, "How is the largest used game buyer and seller going to survive when all the game discs are gone?"

Those little avatars  could harm a fly let alone take down the might Game Stop.

As of now you get pretty much cheated on trading your games to Game Stop and EB Games because they need to make a profit. The new updates to the Xbox Dashboard might just be the first step in changing the gaming landscape. If this goes well maybe Sony and Nintendo will expand their online arcades to Microsoft's extent. You can't return purchases made on Xbox Live so if you really want a return on your investment buying the physical game will still be the way to go.

Xbox is making it more attractive however by allowing you to play the game off of their server. You don't have to have a massive hard drive to store all your games. They will instead be attached to your profile and your console. I for one, am over joyed at the thought of more Xbox original games being made available. Also a warning to Blockbuster. Netfilx users who have Xbox 360s now can browse from their console. Before you had to search for movies on your computer then you could watch it on your console.

Dinosaur? Or safe for now?

But can all this destroy Game Stop? No. At least it won't destroy Game Stop on Monday. Down the road when everything can be streamed in through the serious of tubes Game Stop will be one of the first to go. For now Game Stop still sells the same titles from the Live Arcade for cheaper and with that trade in possibility. This isn't a perfect end all be all upgrade. It will make you more lazy and more antisocial. If Microsoft was smart this would be coming out in May at the beginning of the summer instead of at the end.

Game Stop should take head of this development and begin figuring out what Game Fly has already done. Trade ins through the mail. It is a sad state of affairs when people only want to do business in their boxers at home, but that is where the money is.I think that it depends on how quickly Microsoft can get the new titles up on Live. If too much time goes by then retailers will have nothing to worry about. Game Stop  you have been warned.

We don't talk about it. Hi. Today, I realized something. Even though the internet is populated with all sorts of information, you can learn a lot more by talking to experts on a particular subject. However, no matter how much information becomes open and easily accessible, there are still topics that people don’t want to talk about. These topics can be extremely important, and as part of my karmic service for wishing the death of certain people, I’m going to discuss important things people never talk about.


I know television has started publicizing masturbation, but they haven’t had a proper discourse on the best ways to masturbate or the importance of masturbation. Usually, television just shows masturbation as a humorous thing…and it’s really not. Masturbation is important for various health reasons, the least of which being that you are less likely to commit sex crimes if you masturbate often. Also, if you’re really good at it, you won’t eventually be Lorena Bobbitt’d for being a dick.

Shaving Special Parts

They almost definitely shave their genitals.

Hair removal on your special areas can be very exciting, but it’s definitely something you don’t talk about with friends or loved ones. How would you even begin a conversation with your girlfriend or wife asking her to shave that special place? She might accuse you of wanting to sleep with 12 year olds. Even worse, if you’re the girl, how do you ask a guy to shave his? I can’t imagine that ever ending well. There are lots of reasons for shaving genitalia. Maybe you just don’t like eating hair when you’re munching carpets or giving mouth hugs. Maybe you really do want to sleep with 12 year olds. Either way, this is an important conversation to have with anyone who’s genital hair you might interact with.

Spelling and Grammar

Our future without grammar!

I’d like to blame internet chatting, email, and text messaging for our nation’s grammatical errors, but it’s simply not true. This problem precedes computer technology, and it comes down to one thing: People suck at grammar. A lot. And their even wurse at speling! Do you see what I did there?  Anyway, it is a very difficult subject for most people to talk about. If you point out every misspelling a person makes, or every improper usage of punctuation, you’ll eventually lose them as a friend. Which may not be a bad thing. Beware of pointing out mistakes to your employers though. It may lead to funemployment.

Plucking Eyebrows and Nose Hair Trimming

His unibrow is why people prefer Ernie.

It’s weird how much hair removal stuff is hard to talk about. In addition to pubic hair removal, it can be hard to talk about normal grooming techniques. It’s at least twice as hard if you’re a male. But, if you’ve ever seen a unibrow or a hair jumping out of your nostril, you know the importance of talking to an expert about hair removal. What’s worse is that while talking about pubic hair removal can be somewhat sexy, nose hairs never are. Still, keeping yourself well groomed enhances your attraction, so don’t be afraid of expressing yourself. Unless you have ear hair. In which case, you should hide in a cave, because you’re clearly a troll.

Sex Fantasies

When I wake up, I touch myself and feel the smoothness below. Then, I think about a beautiful girl with the most perfect spelling I’ve ever seen. She sees my well trimmed nose hairs and starts talking dirty to me. Whispering soft nothings about spreadsheets and numeric relations, I become more and more turned on. She knows I’m close and pulls the trigger, telling me how much she would love to eat a big, juicy steak…

It’s important to be able to talk about your sexual fantasies without the fear of ridicule, no matter how ridiculous they might be. It helps everyone. Girls will find it useful to know one keyword (“Statistics” in my case) that will get you off instantly. It’s a good timer saver! Even more importantly, a guy will finally be able to satisfy the woman he’s with when he learns that her biggest fantasy is being dominated by an accordion player. (It’s not that hard to learn.)

Open discussion of these sorts of things will always lead to better relationships with the people you love. More importantly, it can affect the world. If everyone can talk about their sexual fantasies and proper grooming habits, then everyone will be satisfied and well groomed. Not only that, but it brings us a step closer to a world in which proper spelling and grammar is glorified and masturbation is a healthy activity. I see no problems with this.

I am rarely frightened of sales catalogs.  I have been offended, disgusted, irritated and even titillated by them.  Am I so old that I don't recognize the strategic marketing value of fear?  Have my years of objective indifference to humanity finally caught up with me?  In their latest marketing campaign they are calling it a FUNdamentals Sale.  Call it whatever you want, but mannequins replacing hard working American models is wrong. I mean who is going to want to wank off to any of these caricatures?  Where is the soft tissue of the Victoria's Secret or even Sears catalog?  This whole scenario plays out like an article, published by the Republican Party. Unfortunately,  it's no joke and only speeds the cultural-employment  death spiral we can all feel.  Models losing their jobs?!  When will this insanity stop! I submit the following as evidence in a trial of both bad taste and a testament for the inanimate that cannot defend themselves. I Weep For The Future

Look, I am the first to admit that I gave up on humanity a long, long time ago;  But when marketing does rear it ugly head,  it gives me pause.  Don't be fooled by the 'slick' humor or cultural references....this is cost savings, wrapped in humor and digested by the fat guys upstairs to keep their cushy corporate libidos gyrating for another year.  Need more proof?

This is like if the producers of Weekend At Bernie's decided to do a modern remake of Vincent Price's House of Wax for the MTV generaraton!  And the "cast" delivers dialogue and comedy to parry anything those films had to offer. True horror material to be sure.

And it doesn't stop at the commercials, it's in the friggin stores!  They stalk the sales isles and occupy every sales corner with their horribly perfect representations of what they think people aspire to become.  It is beyond insulting that this company trolls the lowest depths to lure the stupid and most inept individuals to buy products based on this crap.  Orange County, I am looking at you.

Now in their defense I will say that they have succeeded to do what few companies have ever achieved.  And that is to blatantly insult everyone, Blacks, Whites, Asians, Hispanics the whole human race.  And if you aren't embarrassed by this:

1. There is something seriously wrong with you.

2. You may be in the minority not represented here ie. American Indian.

3. Go and check out the great sale at Old Navy!

In the future Old Navy needs to leave the comedy to professionals in business suits in Manhattan.  Or to 12 years olds borrowing their Dad's video camera to create a viral campaign.  Either way, this approach to marketing is the Edsel of our time and an Epic Fail on so many levels it boggles the mind to think they aired such swine fodder.

I for one will be procuring my precious retro t-shirts, hoodies and cargo shorts from a more reputable establishment.  I wonder if Kmart is still open?

I hate sports. I really hate sports. It’s not just because I suck at them. It’s also because they’re fucking boring to watch. Let's be honest. The highly paid sports are just uninteresting. Baseball isn't much better than golf. Basketball lacks action. Football and hockey are just metaphors for gay sex. The best sports are the sports where people are competing against themselves in terms of pure human strength. But those, like hurdles, get boring due to their repetition. In order to fix this problem, in order to make sports interesting, I believe they need to be played by average people.

Example 1: Hurdles

Watching people fail is always interesting.

If you’ve ever watched the Special Olympics, you will know that there is nothing quite as funny as watching midgets run. But since that is not politically correct, we’ll have to settle for non retarded people thinking they can jump. Imagine a normal person trying to do hurdles. It’s kind of funny. Now imagine ten normal people trying to do hurdles. That’s really funny. It’s not directly violent, but I imagine there would be quite a bit of injury. Which is the point of sports, right?

Example 2: Discus throwing

Preferably group discus throwing. Now, in the Olympics people can throw discii (if it wasn't a word before, it is now) very well. Out of the Olympics, not so much. And what’s funnier than watching a bunch of people throw heavy objects without knowing what they’re doing... into a crowd of each other. Average people throwing discii at each other would be a whole new level of amusement. While that would be a good sport, it’s not quite as good as…

Example 3: Javelin throwing

Could you use her bra as a javelin? Perhaps...

I wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to javelin throwing. But I think that group javelin throwing would be awesome. The amount of people who would end up speared, would be similar to the amount of people who have speared Madonna. Which is to say, everyone who participated.  And while professional javelin throwing can be fun to watch, in terms of pure human strength, javelin throwing by the average person is fun for the opposite reason. Human carnage.

Example 4: Fencing!

Not everyone knows how to use a sword. In fact, most people don’t. Real fencing is actually quite boring. Watching people hit each other’s swords with no actual interest in stabbing their opponent really makes no sense. Watching people who don’t know how to fence, trying to kill each other through stupid looking white cloth, would be a vast improvement. When average people fence, the person who wins is the one that is still alive at the end. As opposed to actual fencing, where the person who wins is the one who is more French.

Example 5: Pole vaulting

Obviously, some sports are more geared to being played by the average person than others.  Gymnastics is one, but that’s not visually appealing. Torn muscles aren’t funny. Pole vaulting, on the other hand, is constant visual stimulation. Watching people go up in the air, just to fall back down, is one of the greatest things ever. And even if they made it up in the air, would they know how to descend? They could spend hours on top of a pole. Fantastics. The s is for super. And the one’s that didn’t make it up? Hopefully, they would be hit by the pole on the way down.


If television started running these kinds of sports, I would start watching. There's no question to me that it would be more interesting than what we have now.

I keep getting ads for penis enlargement. My penis isn’t the largest in the world, but I’ve never really wanted to make it larger. What would I do with that anyway? I can already have sex just fine. And, I know people have talked about the spam subject before. This isn’t what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is that if we’re going to make penii (the plural of penis is penii) larger, we’re going to need to increase penis density. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why.

Baseball bats

With a penis that can dent a train.

Have you ever been outside with a ball and just wanted something to hit it with? If you could increase the density of your penis, then you’d be able to use it as a baseball bat. Not only that, but like any other baseball bat, you could also use it to protect yourself. Imagine you’re walking to your car, and you get assaulted by vicious rabbits! With new and improved penis density increaser, you can now fight back. With your schlong.

Robbing people

Ever try to someone without a gun? It’s not the easiest thing to do. You can try to use your finger in your pocket and pretend it’s a gun. Sometimes that works, but mostly people can tell the difference. Now, if you use your dense penis, even if people don’t think it’s a gun, they’ll be too freaked out to do anything. It’s a damned good way to get money.

Attracting women

According to the advertising, the biggest use in enlarging your penis is attracting women. Everyone knows that’s completely ridiculous. No girl can actually see your manly parts, and so that hardly helps in attraction. It may be that you can get good references from girls you’ve had sex with, but that doesn’t help if you never get sex in the first place. Increasing penis density, on the other hand, will give your cockular area a gravitational pull. Girls will literally fall over you. Which will put them on their knees. Figure it out.

Side effects

It's big. It's heavy. It's wood.

Unfortunately, there are some side effects that come along with having a dense penis. For one, you will never be able to enjoy the oral pleasures again. Think about what would happen to the girl's throat? And think about what happens with gravity and teeth. Secondly, I would not suggest swimming directly after use. Your penis would become an anchor. Though, on the other hand, if you’re Michael Phelps, it might just be good training. Other side effects include, never wanting to have a soft penis again. I mean, if you could use it as a baseball bat, would you ever want it for anything else? I wouldn’t. Not to mention the obvious side of effect of having one freakishly huge arm...

And so we end our discussion on the benefits of penis density. Enlarging, not so good. Endenseing (it's a word!) is just fucking awesome.