If you thought Lily Allen was going to fade away with the very decade from which she emerged, you were very wrong (and horribly faithless). After having two kids and taking a “hiatus” (always code for “over it”), it seemed almost impossible to imagine her triumphant comeback. Initially, Allen was reported to have changed her performing name to Lily Rose Cooper, but, mercifully, the first single from her new album, “Hard Out Here,” was released under her rightful name, Lily Allen. The creation of this song was perhaps foreshadowed on Allen’s MySpace (pause for a moment of silence) page, where, under her name was the quote, “It’s hard out here for a pimp” from Three 6 Mafia’s famed song. But, while Allen knows the verity of that aphorism, she also knows that it’s far more accurate to say, “It’s hard out here for a bitch.” Because, sadly, it still is. Fuck this.

In an accompanying video opening with Allen undergoing liposuction, she overhears her doctors and agent murmur, “Jesus how could somebody let themselves get like this, huh?”…“A lack of self-discipline really.” She barely musters the strength to retort, “Uh, I’ve had two babies.” Meanwhile, her agent stands beside her to inform her she’s been denied appearances on David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel. Allen lets it all happen to her with the ennui of someone who’s tried to take a stand too many times before. And, as a woman, it's easy to understand her resignation: After all, you can only embody two personas—obsequious or obstinate (which are the pretentious euphemisms for virgin or whore, in case you needed clarification). It’s a tale as old as time (to pay homage to a Celine lyric), and yet, it’s one that seems never to have a resolution.


And so, Allen does the only thing she can do to cope with the state of female perception and expectation: Poke fun at it. And that poking is as strong and comical as a woman wearing a strap-on. Embracing the stereotype of every rap video, Allen throws off her hospital gown and enters the set of the video she was previously watching on TV. Parading around in a form-fitting (though not revealing—as she affirms “Don’t need to shake my ass for you ‘cause I’ve got a brain”) pair of pants, Allen takes instruction from her agent in between takes on how to dance more sexily with her fellow dancers.

Whateva 4eva.

In addition to showcasing the ridiculousness of how women are viewed, Allen also puts heavy importance on the use of the word “bitch”—a term with threefold meaning in this particular song. In one sense, it does what black people had to do with the N-word by taking back the derogatory connotation for female use only. Then, of course, there’s the simple meaning of it: Woman. But in another sense, it intimates the notion that you have to become a bitch in order to get things done and cope in this world. In typical Allen fashion, the pop ditty is filled with perkily delivered sarcastic jibes like, “You’re not a size six and you’re not good lookin’/Well you better be rich or at least good at cookin’” and “You should probably fix your face or you'll end up alone…/don’t you want somebody who objectifies you?”

Cracking the whip.

Mincing no words and sparing no vitriol, it’s safe to say that the Lily Allen we came to know and love on Alright, Still is back and better than ever.






It isn't everyday that you see a video full of scantily clad women--without a single man to be found in the frame. But then along comes Rihanna with her latest video for "Pour It Up," the second single from Unapologetic. Although Rihanna has been surprisingly quiet in terms of promoting her seventh studio album, "Pour It Up" is enough to suffice for quite some time--offering minimal imagery with maximum impact. As a song that's in sharp contrast to the sweetness and ballad-paced tempo of her first single, "Diamonds," "Pour It Up," takes a feminist approach to strip club life--because, really, what could be more empowering than taking one's clothes off? http://youtu.be/ehcVomMexkY

With dramatic, Prince-esque cinematography, "Pour It Up" opens with a glam Rihanna wearing a blonde wig that makes her look like a combination of Marilyn Monroe, Madonna and Rita Ora. Her "I don't give a fuck" attitude oozes out of every pore as bodacious and curvaceous women dance around her in various states of undress. Acting with the nonchalance of a seasoned queen, Rihanna shows what real strip club etiquette should be like as she barely regards anyone around her.

Single cover for "Pour It Up"

Eventually, of course, Rihanna shows us her own dance moves--with several prominent Chanel plugs thrown in for good measure. Revealing herself to be the grande dame of all things hoochy, Rihanna has managed to overcome a feat that no one else has seemed to acknowledge: Turn stripping into something that isn't about pleasing men, but rather, about the enjoyment a woman gets from parading her body. So, once again, thank you Rihanna, for making female sex appeal less degrading. Though I'm sure you're bound to get your fair share of open letters from Debbie Harry and Sinead O'Connor. 


AuthorSmoking Barrel

In August, it will be sixteen years since Princess Diana's tragic "death by paparazzi chase" accident. Today would have been her fifty-second birthday. Since her untimely demise, much has happened to both her family and her country. Her shy, reserved disposition made her a vulnerable figure from the very start of her highly publicized marriage to Prince Charles in 1981. The affinity she shared with children also showcased a rare gift for empathy and compassion that so few people--royalty or not--are capable of possessing. Her tumultuous childhood (her mother left their family for another man) contributed to a lifelong quest for unconditional love that was perhaps doomed from the beginning of her matrimonial alliance with Prince Charles. The People's Princess.

Her accessibility to the British public after becoming the princess was unprecedented. Even now, in spite of Kate Middleton's Diana comparisons, there has never been any royal so willing and eager to communicate with her country. Her immediate dissatisfaction with her marriage (problems were reported to have arose around 1985, the year after Prince Harry's birth), both Charles and Diana turned to other sources of comfort--he to Camilla Parker Bowles and she to James Hewitt, a major in the British Army. As reports of their affairs began to leak in 1992 and 1993, Diana was prompted to retreat from the spotlight, undeniably shamed by Charles' open admission to an outside relationship with Parker Bowles.

Time Magazine cover announcing the dissolution of the royal marriage.

It was only her children that prevented Diana from petitioning for a divorce sooner. She was even reported to have said, "Any sane person would have left long ago. But I cannot. I have my sons." Her knowledge that Charles did not truly love her was the ultimate blow to a woman who sought only genuine affection. Regardless of the jading circumstances of her marriage, Diana always maintained an innocence and optimism that so few are able to sustain—especially in the face of harrowing events. It is this fragile, yet unbreakable spirit that continues to make Diana an enduring role model for all of humanity. If each one of us conducted ourselves with even a fraction of her benevolence and sincerity, the world might not be nearly so fucked up.

Eerie similarities.

The parallels between Kate Middleton and Diana are overt, making it understandable why Prince William would choose her as his wife (not to get all Oedipal, but you know). The similarities between them are poetic in many ways as it allows the legacy of Diana to persist in a new and tributary manner. If William and Kate ultimately end up having a girl, let us hope that she embodies the same gentility as her grandmother.

Also, because I’m that gay and sentimental about Diana, below is the video for “Candle in the Wind.”




I was told months ago about The Rebel Bingo Club for the first time by BTH's Flak after I saw the disco ball addition to his home. When I was invited to come shoot the hilarity, I jumped at the chance for the possibility of a disco ball of my very own or at least to get the photos of someone else winning something as random and fantastic. I finally made it out this time to the rebel bingo where people dance, draw on each other, dress like Alex DeLarge of The Clockwork Orange and party in what can only be described as the love child of the electric daisy carnival and a strangely sexy bingo club.

Walking around the two rooms and outdoor area of the venue, I was greeted by people painted in marker and by then end my arms were covered and for about a day and a half, still said "HI!" in bright purple marker. Thank you Rebel Bingo! I may have my newest tattoo design in the works.

When asked how many people came to her last party, the grand prize winner shyly answered "just six". Moments later she was given the grand prize, a old school boom box, and a room filled with about six hundred new friends. I hope, and am sure, that her next party will be a much greater success!

Started in the basement of a church in London by a couple of event promoters, the party has come to Los Angeles and has gained  a well deserved following. Why wouldn't it? Basically it's dressing up to play an innocent game your grandmother plays, but with sexy hosts, while drinking, dancing, and finding yourself surrounded by the fantastic characters I captured in the photos below. (of course with a big smile and a double thumbs up by our very own Flak) I think nights like these are what we all meant when we said we never wanted to grow up.


Photos by Ohio (Tamea Agle) www.photobytamea.com


Till next time,


See you at the shows!

CategoriesCurrent Event
Meg Whitman and "associate"
Meg Whitman and "associate"

Anyone who has been watching the news will be aware of two things: Jerry Brown called Meg Whitman a whore, and if you call any woman a whore, including a woman who has sold her “services” for money, you are calling every woman a whore. According to Meg Whitman, all women are whores at heart, but this thought process astounds me, especially when we consider a very important point: men can be whores too. You’d think given the newest scandal, Meg Whitman would know this best.

What you probably haven’t heard is that Meg Whitman was caught with an illegal immigrant whore. Of course, Meg Whitman is a key proponent of deporting all illegals, except for the ones that she is using. But, this time it gets better. Not only has she recently been caught with English football (soccer for the Americans) star, David Beckham, but her history of using illegal immigrants as prostitutes ranges a long way back, with the first being Barack Obama. Don’t believe me? It makes perfect sense.

The story begins with the birth of the future president in his native country, Kenya. Since Obama’s birth certificate has yet to be found, we know for a fact that he is not American. Unfortunately for his future Kenyan political career, Obama’s parents claimed that he was American. He was swiftly deported from Kenya to live on the harsh streets of Hawaii, where he was forced to attend the most prestigious schools. ACORN, of course, provided him with the fake documentation to continue to live in America, in exchange for his continued democratic vote.

Anyway, Obama manages to fight off the trials of school and meets Meg Whitman. Meg Whitman, who is a trillionaire, wanted some of the future president’s …epic(pe)ness. Unbeknownst to future Republican candidate Carl Paladino, Michelle was Obama’s pimp, and Obama was the whore.  Role reversal. Whatever. In any case, this was the first instance of Whitman employing an illegal immigrant and the reason she should know that men can be whores. 

Does this story have any truth in it? How did the magic bullet hit JFK? With voter apathy at an all time low, let’s be realistic. The people these stories appeal to don’t even vote.

Accurate representation of the First Lady

Gamers everywhere are outraged as the United States government bans Starcraft II (SC2), the much-anticipated sequel to Starcraft. One of the most beloved real time strategy games of all time, Starcraft has had extreme success since its original release in 1998. Since then, gamers have been awaiting Starcraft II, which was scheduled to release on July 27, 2010. However, given the current economic crisis, Washington decided that it would be improper to allow the release of what could possibly be a World of Warcraft (WoW) killer. World of Warcraft, is of course, the most popular Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) in the world. People have been waiting 12 years for this game.

Blizzard Entertainment is known for producing the highest quality games, and is considered the only company that can release a game that might destroy the World of Warcraft. Oddly enough, they are also the creator of WoW, which leads to some interesting economic questions. Since Blizzard will be raking in money for either SC2 or WoW, why is it a big deal that they are potentially killing one of their games with the release of another? In short, it comes down to subscription fees. With 11.5 million players paying $15/month to play, the World of Warcraft has a stronger economy than most countries in the actual world, and that’s before you get into micro-payments. Starcraft II will not have subscription fees (in the United States).

The number of subscribers to WoW grows over time since there is nothing else that even remotely competes with it. Thus far, there has been no MMO that has come close to challenging WoW’s complete dominance over the market, and that is a good thing for the economy. You see, many websites are dedicated to WoW, either by providing news, strategies to defeat bosses or players, or selling in game items (illegal, but profitable). If WoW were to die, so would all these websites. This would result in the unemployment of many Americans and the collapse of the Chinese economy, which gets much of its GDP from selling gold to players.

Even South Park profited from WoW.

You might think that this isn’t a problem, because SC2 is not an MMO and thus wouldn’t take away WoW’s subscriber base. Of course, you would be wrong. The demographic for both games is the same, mostly fat, balding men between the ages of 20 and 50. Most of them are also tired of WoW after five years, but they currently have no better option. SC2 will provide them with the escape they are all looking for.

Which brings us back to the beginning. Despite the government’s flaws, they are very good at deeming things to be “too big to fail”, and WoW is the first game to ever achieve this designation. A chief advisor to the president had this to say,

We know it’s ridiculous that a video game has gotten this powerful, but it’s a simple numbers game. World of Warcraft generates more money than Rhode Island and Iowa combined, and thus cannot be allowed to die. As Starcraft II will cause irreparable damage to the World of Warcraft, we have deemed it to be in the best interests of the country to postpone the release of Starcraft II indefinitely.

Glee - Some Show on Fox you don't Watch
The executive producers of the Fox show, Glee have begun a nationwide casting search to fill new high school student roles that will be added to the show's second season. Auditions are open to professionals and amateurs age 16 and older.

All that being said, if you have 15 seconds of your life to spare, please vote for my buddy Anthony - merely login to your (now outdated, I'm sure) MySpace account, and click Give a Gold Star.


I realize this is a shameless plug, but I also realize I don't give a flying fuck. :)


CategoriesCurrent Event

I’m late on this one. I apologize. There’s a day called Denim Day. On this day, people wear jeans to raise awareness and educate the public about rape and sexual assault. This event began after an Italian Supreme Court judge ruled that a girl, who said she was raped, was not raped because she wore tight jeans. You see, a guy can’t remove a girl’s tight jeans on his own, thus she must have helped. If she helped, the sex was consensual. This upset people and Denim Day is designed to remind people that the judge may have suffered brain injuries at some point. Let me start by saying, I agree with Denim Day in principle. Denim Day Logo

Conceptually, though, I think Denim Day has a major failing. The failing (which should be obvious) is that you’re only thinking about it one day per year. Instead, I suggest “Don’t Rape People Year.” This is an event that lasts the entire year. It starts on January 1st and ends on December 31st. It happens every year. During this event, people are reminded that they shouldn’t rape people or otherwise sexually assault anyone. While one day might work for Holidays such as Easter or Hanukkah, I think it is insufficient for not raping people. Even Yoga has a full month (September).

Now, I know what you’re thinking. By designating a single day, you bring specific awareness to the day, whereas if you have a whole month, people forget about it midway.  I’d like to suggest that thinking about not raping people for half a year, is still better than just one day. Do you agree? You should.

As this year’s Denim Day comes to a close, we begin Don’t Rape People Year. Seriously. Don’t rape people. It’s not cool.

Seriously, don't rape people.

CategoriesCurrent Event

Actress Sandra Bullock is putting the positive back in HIV by giving husband Jesse James the gift that keeps on giving…AIDS! The 45 year old Academy Award winner is proving an inspiration to women everywhere by showing that revenge is a dish best served with a side of sexual transmitted disease. After all, what better way to say “you shouldn’t have cheated on me” than by turning your adulterous partner’s penis into a biological weapon? Sandra Bullock: A face only an idiot would cheat on

Jesse James, best known for his role as Sandra Bullock’s husband, was recently caught having multiple affairs. Much like Tiger Woods, but without any of the charm, James failed to realize that there could be any repercussions to his actions. Little did he know, the Hollywood superstar would find a way to teach him a lesson he won’t ever forget.

While most women would sit in a corner and cry about their husband’s infidelity, Sandra Bullock has proven that there is a better way to deal with the situation. Sacrificing her clean bill of health for the good of all, Bullock sought out a proper way to deter women from sleeping with her husband. The answer was simple: inject herself with a needle dirtier than the sluts James slept with, get HIV, and share it with her husband.

An idiot: Jesse James

Sandra’s will is truly remarkable. Not many people would be willing to acquire a deadly disease or sleep with their cheating husband one final time. Bullock, however, proves what we’ve known about her all along…that she is righteous. Reports have surfaced stating that she plans on taking a break from acting to focus on teaching women how to do the right thing when their man is a cheating bastard. When BTH asked the beautiful visionary her views on spreading HIV to two-timing whores, she only had this to say:

"What we are doing here will be the change that everyone wants to see. Not only will men be reluctant to cheat on women if they know that they will get AIDS when they are found out, but women will be reluctant to spread their legs for cheaters knowing that they could get AIDS themselves. If every time a man cheats on his wife, two women (the wife and the treacherous trollop) acquire AIDS, eventually no one will cheat, or there will be no one left at all."

CategoriesCurrent Event

Welcome to Valentine’s Day. It’s a day when couples are forced to quantify their love for each other through extravagant presents and freaky sexual favors. It’s a day when singles realize that no one loves them, or that they don’t love anyone. It’s a day that celebrates a massacre and an orgy. How cool is that? Love is dead.

People are often depressed when Valentine’s Day comes around, whether they’re single or not. My guess is that it is because people just don’t understand how good they have it. They worry that they’ll look bad in the eyes of their lover if they don’t put forth enough monetary value into their gifts. They worry that they’ll have to give in and do anal. They also think on their relationship wonder if it’s worth keeping despite all its flaws.

What people don’t realize is that the Valentine’s Day is about exchange, and it is far superior to the Valentine’s traditions of the olden days. Our forefathers must have suffered through this holiday, knowing that they would not receive sex unless they were married. Our foremothers would have only received crappy cards instead of jewelry. How sad that must have been for everyone involved, especially when you consider that most women would agree that getting a pearl necklace is worth…getting a pearl necklace.

Pearl Necklace is not a Google safe search.

It comes down to one of the lesser spoken facts of life. Weird sex is really awesome. Because of this, prostitution is really awesome. Men and women want to have weird sex, but need excuses to succumb to their internal lust. Valentine’s Day provides this excuse. Think about what kind of weird sex you want to have this year. Get a present equal to the value of what a high-end prostitute would charge for that weird sex, and give it to your loved one. I’m pretty sure it’s a law that s/he’ll have to do it after that.

So, stop hating Valentine’s Day.  Instead, remember that on this day, you can have whatever kind of sex you want with the person you love the most, for a price. After all, it’s not about love. It’s about value.

CategoriesCurrent Event

The United States of America is supposed to be the best at everything, but we still fail at so much. One of our largest failures has been in health care. American health care is almost as much of a joke as American education. Since Congress is filled with rich people who never have to worry about health care, it isn't surprising that they'll argue about it nonstop. In the meantime, I’ve already come up with the perfect solution.


Why do rich people decide on health care anyway?
Why do rich people decide on health care anyway?

Let’s start with an exercise in logic. If the best things in life are free and health care is one of the best things in life, then health care should be free.  It seems obvious that any citizen in the best country in the world should have access to necessary medical treatments. After all, the Declaration of Independence tells us that we have the right to life. Without good health care, your life ends a lot quicker. It seems to follow that the first step to good health care is to make it free.

Insurance Companies

There are two problems with free health care. The first is insurance companies. Republicans care more about insurance companies than poor people's health. Sure, a lot of people will lose their jobs if insurance companies all go out of business, but there’s a solution to that. After we’ve made health care free, we’ll no longer need insurance companies. What we will need is people to administer the government program for free health care. The unemployed people from the insurance companies can all get jobs administering government health care.


Old school doctors.
Old school doctors.

The second problem with free health care is paying off doctors. We’ll solve this in three ways. First, education for doctors will be free. If you want to work in health care, you don’t have to pay for the college. This will save future doctors lots of money and simultaneously increase the amount of people who will want to become doctors.  Second, we’ll pay them a reasonable amount of money per year. Yes, taxes will go up, but considering that no other country pays as much in health care as Americans, there will still be a net gain to income. Lastly, doctors will again become prestigious. People will trust them since they won’t give treatments just to get insurance pay outs. Which means they’ll be able to bang anyone they want. Just like the good old days.

See? A perfect solution. Everyone will get free health care, employment will go up, and doctors will become trustworthy once again. Plus, there will always be plastic surgery for doctors who want to make money by screwing their patients.

CategoriesCurrent Event

With Black Friday coming up, I am here to help you prepare for any possible incidents that may occur. Or prepare you to cause any possible incidents. With that in mind, I bring you part 2 in our ongoing series of 5 Ways to Die entitled, 5 Ways to Die on Black Friday. This day sucks.

Black Friday is a special day in every psychopath’s life when greed and savings overpower common sense and good will towards man.  It is on this day that a disease infects people and tells them to shop. As the virus spreads, they forget how to be human. It’s similar to zombie viruses, except people move much faster. The bloodlust remains, and brain eating on Black Friday has been reported by very reliable sources. Since everyone knows many of the normal ways to die on Black Friday, we will focus on the ways to die that you might not be familiar with.


The dangers of Black Friday can begin before you even get to the store. Consider a situation where you and your friend have decided that you want to buy the same item. If everything goes well, you both will be able to get it and so you decide to go together. However, during the sleepless night, your friend decides that she wants to add a little insurance to the acquisition. She brings you coffee to start the morning, knowing that you will need energy. What she doesn’t tell you is that the coffee is poisoned. Since coffee already tastes like poison, you don’t even notice until you get to the store, at which point you fall over and die. How to avoid: Don’t drink the coffee.

Credit Card Wrist Slitting

The Credit Card Wrist Slitting (CCWS) is an old trick that is often used by prostitutes, ninjas, and other assassins. High security places will always check for standard weaponry, but they will almost never take away your credit cards. Thus, a good assassin is able to slice through a man’s wrists with a credit card. The CCWS is often used during times of distress during Black Friday, when a person is next in line behind someone with the item they wanted to purchase. Side note: it is traditional that if a person wakes up late for Black Friday that they kill themselves by CCWS. How to avoid: Watch for anyone brandishing their credit cards and wake up on time.

Handbag Beheading

Seriously. Who sells this stuff?

Unlike the CCWS, the Handbag Beheading often occurs unintentionally. While it is common that when a person gets upset they will swing their handbag, the actual beheading part is pretty rare. But, have you seen some of these new purses? It’s like they were invented to chop off people’s heads. In any case,  elderly women are often the aggressors in situations where a Handbag Beheading occurs. How to avoid: Stay away from old people with metal purses.

Belt or Tie Noose

While most Black Friday casualties are caused by women, men can also get into the fun. The most common method of male caused Black Friday Fatalities is the Tie Noose. This will normally take you by surprise when you are getting the last of something. You’ll be inspecting your treasure, and then out of nowhere, there will be a tie around your neck. And while a tie normally goes around your neck, they normally do not attempt to strangle you to death. If there is not a tie around, a belt is a fitting substitute. How to avoid: This is difficult since it will normally come from behind. As a general rule, beware of anyone who wears a tie the day after Thanksgiving.  The belt noose, however, is completely inconspicuous.

Car Crash

Oh sure, car crashes happen all the time, and it’s not specific to Black Friday in any way. But the normal kind of car crash isn’t what we’re talking about. Any smart person knows that it’s completely impossible to secure what you want on Black Friday. To combat this, an industrious person will have prepared a tank to secure the loot. The last thing you will see is a tank’s turret as it comes crashing through the walls. When the treads finally run you over, you will find out if there is life after death. How to avoid: You can’t avoid it. It’s a freaking tank.

This is, as always, just a partial list of the more obscure ways to die. You could always get trampled to death, eaten by starving children, get lost in the mazelike mall corridors, or shot by the police after a failed attempt at a handbag assassination. If you still decide to shop on Black Friday,  I wish you the best of luck.

Historians will tell you that Thanksgiving began when a group of travelers from England met up with a group of Indians and decided to have a meal. Actually, I doubt any historian would say it in those exact words, but that would be the gist of their story. The Plymouth colonists and the Wampanoag Indians shared an autumn harvest feast, which was a common tradition among many Native Americans. The point of this was to show a spirit of friendship and cooperation between the two groups. You’ve all heard this story, of course. While that is true, the real reasons behind the colonization of America and the first Thanksgiving have been lost over time. Delicious Bird

What most people don’t know is that the Thanksgiving tradition was planned before the colonists ever made it to America. You see, the colonists came from England in search of turkey. The King of England had heard rumors of a bird that is most delicious when combined with gravy and mashed potatoes, but none were to be found in Europe. To solve this grave injustice, he sent out explorers to uncharted lands in search of this wondrous bird. England’s domination of the world was in large part due to its search for the turkey.

Eventually, the explorers arrived at America and met the Indians/Native Americans/whatever you want to call them. They realized that the Indians had a bird that was most delicious and decided that they would try their best to be friends. Of course, the Indians did not want to share their delicious bird with just anyone, and it was not until the last Thursday of November, during the harvest feast, that the colonists managed to taste a bite of turkey. That bite changed the world forever.

After realizing just how delicious the turkey was, the colonists decided that they didn’t need England to survive. After all, they could just sell turkeys to Europe and make massive amounts of cash. They decided to form their own country, which they called the United States of America. They knew that, through the power of the turkey, they would be a superpower. The first president was known as the Prime Turkey Eater, and the world domination spread from there.

Even Bush pardoned the bird.

As a gift to England, or perhaps just to show off, the first Prime Turkey Eater sent a single bird back to the Motherland. While Presidents no longer send turkeys back to England, this was the start of the tradition of pardoning one turkey every year. And so, on the last Thursday of November, let us all remember what we are thankful for. In case you haven’t figured out it, we’re all thankful that turkey is delicious.

CategoriesCurrent Event

The concept of sluts on Halloween is far from new, but while others appreciate the Halloween sluts, I tend to disagree. We all know that when it comes time to play dress up, women have a tendency to want to dress down. The less they can wear the better. That isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is that they stole Halloween.

What is Halloween?

Does anyone eat this? Seriously.

Before the Halloween tradition was started, going around to your neighbors houses and demanding their food was considered thievery. Costumes were used so that people wouldn’t know who was robbing them. This all changed when the Candy Corn industry was born. Inventive consumers realized that if they kept their houses stocked with Candy Corn that no one would rob their houses, since not even the most desperate of people would eat it.  However, they also realized that if people didn’t buy Candy Corn after their initial purchase, there would eventually be no Candy Corn to repel thieves. And so, Halloween was invented to keep the Candy Corn industry strong. People give away their Candy Corn to the young as a reminder not to steal food or pay the consequences.


Witches wear more clothes

Eventually, people forgot the true meaning of Halloween. They began to think it was a Holiday for children, and that adults weren’t supposed to participate in the Trick or Treating. As time continued to progress, it became weirder and weirder to see people over the age of 12 going out to get candy from their neighbors. The adults (who really just wanted to Trick or Treat) had to find something else to do. As usual, that meant booze, but they kept the costumes. As Peter Parker will tell you, with great booze comes great nudity, and eventually women would remove more clothing from their costumes as the night went on. Since this was so well received, they decided to skip the first step and just not wear much to begin with. Thus, Halloween sluts were born.

Why is this bad?

You might think this isn’t a big deal. After all, everyone loves a slut. But you’re missing the point.

  1. By forgetting the original meaning, adults will never be able Trick of Treat. That means you won't be interacting with your neighbors (who could be really hot) and you get less candy for free.
  2. By encouraging people to be sluts on Halloween, we’re actively discouraging them from being sluts the rest of the year. Very, very sad.
  3. Getting a girl to strip out of a costume into something nearly non-existent is half the fun of a party. If they start without clothes, there’s no challenge.

So, if you love sluts and Halloween, I suggest we take back the Holiday. Let’s encourage women to be sluts the rest of the year and bring back candy to our Halloween celebrations. Because if you don’t, eventually someone is going to rob your house and steal your food.

CategoriesCurrent Event
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One of the Highest Honors This week, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, leaving the world to ask why? The Nobel Committee gave him the prize for his work in foreign affairs. However, after 9 months in office, the President has yet to win any major victories in foreign policy. While he has been able to get a startling amount of world leaders talking to each other for the first time in years, his actual accomplishments are lacking. Clearly, there is something else at work here.

President Obama’s work in other countries isn’t the real reason he was awarded the Prize. That was simply a cover story. It was because of his work on killing the old. It is a well known fact that people over the age of 50 are more likely to start wars with other countries than young people. It follows that in order to stop wars, we just need to kill everyone over 50 years old. President Obama was the first to realize this undisputable link, and he took action.

Evil Activist Sarah Palin

Like any good President, Obama began his work at home. In this instance, his target was health care reform. By now you’ve surely heard of the “death panels” that Obama proposes. According to Sarah Palin, these panels will judge whether a person deserves health care by how much they contribute to society. Palin gave the Republican’s highest compliment when she heard the news stating that, “Such a system is downright evil." You could almost hear her muttering under her breath that she wished she had thought of it first.

A Nobel Peace Prize is a big deal, and the people who get it need to deserve it. It isn’t enough to simply deny public health care to the old, the sick, and the lazy. After all, we've been doing that for years by not having a public health care system to start with. To truly remove the old, we need them to suffer mentally. As the old saying goes, a depressed person is more likely to want to commit suicide than a happy person. This is much harder to accomplish, and the real reason the death panels exist. The elderly will be forced to discuss the multitude of ways they can commit suicide every five years. This is what sealed the deal for the  Nobel Committee.

It may seem like a United States specific thing, but it’s really not. Once a major global power begins killing off their old, the rest of the countries will follow. Eventually, the definition of old will be younger and younger. When 40 year olds are old, we’ll be back on track for world peace. And so we thank President Obama for his work on removing the elderly and for recognizing that young people don’t commit global atrocities.

Lois Lane and Supergirl Hitting The BarsI stand before you, a conflicted man.  In most genres I consider myself somewhat of a purist.  I usually have a set of unwavering standards, strictly rooted in honoring the pioneers that gave us such wonderful distractions or enhancements designed to distract and entertain us.  Laxatives for the mind meant to help digest the copious amounts of  entertainment fiber force fed us in the daily grind of modern life.   But let's be honest,  nowadays at Comic-Con nobody comes here for comics anymore. They come for swag, sex and to ingest the best table scraps of some of the most worthless and worthwhile media you could ever imagine. It's a like taking a pop culture shotgun to the head, pulling the trigger and then examining the splatter later on to sort the essential brain matter from the garbage.  With lots of cons and heroes littering the crime scene.  So let's get down to brass tacks.  Having attended this event off and on for the last fifteen years I can attest to the following:

  1. The symbiotic relationship of the entertainment industry (aka Hollywood Scum with great swag) and the comic world, over the last few years, has birthed an extraordinary child akin to a modern day Goliath.  And the after-birth has created a legion of old school disciples that loathe the Twilight-ization of their beloved Con.  Get a group of costumed friends to chant, "I love Twilight!"  on the floor.  I dare you!
  2. It's really not about comics anymore.  Whereas, in the days before the internet or the comic grading system, you bought from dealers you knew or trusted and would willingly pay more for items based on the relationships.  Now, it's all about price. Dealt from vendors who have rarely opened a comic book much less read them.  There are exceptions, but most of them do not even attend due to booth prices.  I will now plug Ralph's Comic Corner in Ventura.  Go buy your comics here!

Rather than post a litany of trivial complaints and rants, it's better to digest this beast and sort through the excrement.  Let's find out what they eat and what they should be ingesting.

Things You Didn't See But Should Have



WonderMark by David Malki published by Dark Horse Press.   A wonderful assortment of reproduced woodcuts accompanying viciously wicked satire.  A must buy for anyone within click radius.



Check out the exclusive wooden robot designs at:  www.supermodifiedstudios.com  Beautiful, limited and affordable.  The trifecta of any collector.

The craftmanship on these models is extraordinary and well worth the investment.

If you love robots and clean design these are an unbeatable value.



Some of the most original fashions and designs I have seen in years is at www.fatrabbitfarm.com

Video Games:

My one, true love.  Check out these overlooked gems!  I will be reviewing each in the coming week and/or days.

Cyborg Mice Arena

Cyborg Mice Arena video game available on Xbox Live Community Games for only 200 points!

Developed by Bioroid Studios it is basically the brainchild of one man, Martin Robaszewski.

Now I played a very early build of this at last years Comic-Con and was really impressed with the gameplay.  But he has really turned up the heat this year.   It's basically a 2 stick arcade survival shooter.  But there lots of upgrades and supports 1-4 players.  And even on the easy levels this is one challenging game.  I suck at it and still keep playing.  That, for me, is the hallmark of a great game. For 200 MS points check it out you cheap bastard!


Splosion Man from Twisted Pixel Games, LLC.  Also available on Xbox Live for 800 points.  I had the pleasure of speaking with one of the games developers who informed me that the same team that did The Maw (also an excellent game) produced this gem in 6 months with a team of 9 people!  It's a 2D-ish platformer that employs an exploding man trying to escape the confines of the Big Science Labs that created him.  50 levels with multiplayer and unlockables including an exclusive premium dashboard theme, gamerpics, and Avatar accessories.

Expect a full review of this game shortly.


Darkvoid from Capcom is the Rocketman game that never materialized.

I had the opportunity to play this for about a 1/2 hour and it is one of the hidden gems of the entire show.  In an alternate universe Tesla's wildest dreams are realized.  You fly, land, shoot and repeat.  Seems straightforward enough but the gameplay here is what Iron Man should have been, but sadly never was.  (Don't hold your breath for Iron Man 2.  I played it and it sucked just as much as the original).

Developed by Airtight Games this is the team that worked on Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge for the Xbox.

Release date: September 22, 2009.

Dragon Age Origins

And finally Dragon Age Origins from BioWare.

While every fanboy and his mother was checking out Left 4 Dead 2, I was checking out the latest game from this legendary developer.  I got to play the game for over an hour and this feels like a Never Winter Nights 2 that we have always wanted.  With over 6 years in development the quality, diversity and gameplay are everything you would expect from this AAA team.  Lead designer Mike Laidlaw was kind enough to talk with me and  guide me through the customization options, upgrades and moral choices and how they affect the overall story and experience.  Release Date October 20, 2009.

Next Installment:  Things That Should Never Have Been at Comic-Con