There has been a lot of buzz surrounding Taylor Kitsch, who plays resident bad boy Tim Riggins on the hit NBC show Friday Night Lights, since portraying loner card shark with kinetic energy and wicked skills with a Bo staff, Remy LeBeau (a.k.a. Gambit), in one of May’s huge blockbuster releases X-Men Origins: Wolverine. However, a lot of this buzz has been concentrated on his humble beginnings instead of looking at his dedication, determination, and commitment to his craft.

Taylor will be the first one to tell you that his life didn’t exactly go according to plan. He was going to be a professional hockey player not an actor, and definitely not a model; but after a career ending injury, Taylor had to find a new plan… and what a plan.

After minor roles in Snakes on a Plane and John Tucker Must Die, Taylor was given one of the leading roles in the supernatural teen thriller, The Covenant. Taylor’s portrayal of the second oldest of The Sons of Ipswich, hot headed Pogue Perry, really gave him the vehicle to show that, even though he has a hot body and a pretty face, he can also act. He then carried this momentum to the set of Friday Night Lights and for the last three years, Taylor has shown that there are many complex layers to the character of Tim Riggins.

Even though Taylor has enjoyed success on Friday Night Lights, he still felt the desire to flex his acting muscles, instead of his bulging biceps, and took on the role of real-life photojournalist Kevin Carter in The Bang Bang Club, a biopic film due out next year, chronicling the lives of three photojournalists who were in South Africa during the Apartheid. Taylor dove into this role head first and gave it everything he had – literally. The 5’10 actor lost 30 pounds in order to bring a greater sense of verisimilitude to the film. Many were shocked to see Taylor’s gaunt transformation, as he is usually extremely built for his role as Tim Riggins, but he dug deep, channeled the tortured soul of Kevin Carter and delivered a performance that, I’m sure, will go down in cinematic history. Taylor, and the rest of the cast, was at The Cannes Film Festival earlier this month pre-promoting this film.

The one thing that impresses me the most about Taylor Kitsch is that he wants to be recognized as a serious actor instead of relying on his God-given good looks like so many young actors tend to do these days. Both the big and little screens are filled with beautiful people who really don’t have much acting talent and rely on their looks to get them roles. Taylor’s drive and passion doesn’t allow him to just sit back on his laurels’ and say “Here I am. Photograph me.” He studies and commits himself wholeheartedly to the roles he chooses. There is no half-way for Taylor Kitsch. He’s proven that “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” goes beyond his role on Friday Night Lights.  It’s all or nothing. Go hard or go home. And I, for one, am glad he didn’t.

Available on Xbox360, Playstation 3

Nathan “Rad” Spencer is back after a 20 year nap, to take on a new generation of bionic terrorists in this re-invention of the classic franchise.  Capcom and developer Grin have largely succeeded in presenting a sequel to a title many of us grew up with and revere as part of our own gaming history.  And unlike it’s 2-D predecessor you can actually JUMP  in this one.  WOOT!

Gameplay: 8.5

First off, this not a game you can shoot your way through.  Sure there’s shooting, but there’s a lot more to it.  Of course there’s swinging, and the inevitable learning curve with getting  your rhythm and cat-like reflexes in shape.  But this Bionic Commando plays and feels a lot like Crackdown.  You climb, you smash and sail through the air as gracefully as Lara Croft on steroids. While the level design is somewhat linear,  it makes up for it’s limitations by providing a large open vista where many areas are multi-leveled and there is lots of room for exploring for hidden collectibles and extra ammo. But where the game really excels is in the variety of moves and techniques it offers beyond your typical weapons upgrades.   As you progress through the levels different challenges are offered and when they are met, enable you to perform advanced moves i.e grappling onto cars and throwing them at the enemy or leaping high into the air and pounding the piss out of anything in your deathblow radius.  Unlocking new abilities is really the engine that drives this title and keeps the gameplay fresh and exciting throughout.

Now the bad news…if you unlock certain features or moves and then die, you forfeit them upon resurrection and you have to start all over.  This becomes particularly annoying during some of the longer fire fights you will encounter.  Also you can’t go back and to find missing collectibles with having to erase all of your previous progress.  Translation: You have to play the entire game over again to try and get moves and collectibles.

Sound: 7.5

The voice acting is tolerable, but just barely.  There a fine line between cool cheesy and just plain cheap crap.   You got your military chatter, generals barking orders and the Euro-Trash Commander talking smack with his Germanic lisp.  All of that is pretty standard fare. But unfortunately Nathan sounds a lot like The Dude from Postal. I never really got over this and besides, Nathan deserved better.  Despite these missteps,  the soundtrack is the real star.  A real Halo quality score.  It always refreshing to see a publisher not skimp on the quality of a games music. Bravo!

Graphics: 8

The game is beautiful from the character modeling and the environments to the billboards.  Grin has done an excellent job and this effort put them solidly in the ranks of any of your triple A developers.  Take the time to read the posters and billboards, some of them are very much a wink to those old enough to remember their references.

Value: 7

You have a fairly standard deathmatch/capture the flag multiplayer that, while fun, gets old pretty quick.  Also worth mentioning is that if you own Bionic Commando Rearmed from Xbox Live, you can unlock different areas and features within BC.  The only code I had unlocked a skin to play as the original BC outfit. (Green jumpsuit, red hair) For a limited time Gold members can purchase this game for only 400 Microsoft points.  If you are a fan of the NES version this is a must have.  One of the best 2-D’s to date.

Overall

This is definitely a game that people will either get and love or just fall victim to the learning curve.  I can’t stress enough how good the swing mechanics are. If you like to swing with big air this is your game.  I am very impressed and excited to see what they have in store for the next game.  Rethinking a classic is tricky business, you have to please the kids and the old farts like me.  My congratulations to Capcom and Grin for achieving both.  A hard row to hoe indeed.

Score: 8 out of 10

Last night, I went to watch the second weirdest film I’ve seen at the Hammer Museum. However, it was proceeded by the weirdest assault I’ve had in a while.  Now, I get sexually assaulted more than the average girl.

And no, it’s not because I’m super pretty or super slutty. In fact, I’m neither. I simply have an aura that attracts crazy people. And it’s fine. I’ve learned to deal with it. I’m making up for something terrible I did in a past life. It’s cool.

However, last night’s assault was not the typical tame, yet minor inconvenience that I typically experience. It was terrifying.

Standing at the corner of Wilshire and Westwood, patiently waiting to cross the street, I was greeted by a Mexican man that suspiciously resembled a Home Depot worker. He was wearing a cap and got up from the ledge he was sitting on in order to ask me “Como Estas?”

Lucky for him, that is about 50% of what I recall from Mr. Harris’s spanish class in 7th grade, and I gingerly replied, “Bien Gracias. Y Tu?”  Truth is, I wasn’t all that “Bien,” but that was the only way I had been taught to answer the question.  Little did I realize that “Bien Gracias” would be the advent of my downfall.

He seemed impressed with my bilingual skills, and whispered “Bien” right before he grabbed my hand and kissed it.  Normally, this would have all been fine and dandy, (maybe even a bit flattering), but he didn’t let go of my hand. That was the problem. He held it for a good 30 seconds, before I had to pull it away from him, and even then, he tried to hold on.

I moved 3 feet back, and prayed that more people would show up at this sidewalk. A nuclear bomb being dropped on me– that would have been preferable.

He continued to stare at me, and I looked at him nervously. He smiled and misunderstood my complete terror and repulsion for flirting, by signaling  that he wants to kiss me on the lips. As if, it’s traditional rapist custom to make these inappropriate advances. I quickly shook my head NO, and gave him my terrified glare.

Again, miscommunication, because he took this to mean more flirting. He asked me, “Comma te llama?”  And because that was the other 50% of Harris’s teachings,  I was too excited to realize that I was once again trapped in the Mexican fly paper.

I replied, “Jen”, for once, thankful that I had the 8th most common name in the country. He replied, “My name is Ricardo.” I took a visual snapshot, in case I’d have to remember him for a lineup one day.

He crossed the 3 foot gap between us, and proceeded to grab my hand again. He kissed it again. I quickly let go, as he began to gargle and spit out weird sexual noises. Yes, it was really creepy. Like it felt like he was eating or dying or being born. Maybe it was a combination of the three, but Lord knows, that I stopped looking.

By this time, a bicyclist and two other pedestrians were standing by me. They all looked a bit mental themselves, so I realized that I was all alone. The damn light! It had been 10 minutes, it seemed, but the red hand flashed persistently in my direction.

“Jenny, you need to pay for your sins,” it seemed to be taunting me.  But, I do not tolerate abuse. No more. I made a vow never to be one of those submissive Asian ladies that eat up psychological, racial, and sexual abuse for breakfast. I do not tolerate any of this bullshit, especially from an illegal immigrant day laborer.

So, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and started running– running toward whatever direction the wind guided me. Straight. Yes. I was crossing the street, and miraculously, there were no cars. I felt the chilly air on my shoulders, and the fading out of Ricardo’s birthing/sex noises. I was free– free from—

BAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!

My hip gave out, and suddenly I was flying. I saw Ricardo’s eyes bulge in morbid delight as I was somersaulting through the air.  Hit by a car. A panicked Mexican driver quickly ran out of the drivers side, to see if I was okay. I was not.

Nameless Mexican asked me, “Como Estas?”

But what else could I say, but the only answer that I had been trained with, “Bien Gracias, y tu?”

Barcelona are Europe's new club champions.

In the end, Barcelona’s slick passing style was way too much for Manchester United to handle.  If you only watched the first five minutes of this game, you would have put all your money on Manchester United to crush Barcelona.  But by the end of the game it was the other way around, with Barcelona’s fans shouting “OLE!” every time they completed yet another pass in and around the Manchester United defense.  

Eto celebrates his tenth minute goal

In the opening minutes Manchester dominated play, by creating an onslaught on the Barcelona goal.  Cristiano Ronaldo and Ji-Sung Park both came close to scoring for Manchester early on.  But the game was turned on its head when Barcelona scored against the run of play in the tenth minute.  Andres Iniesta ran through the midfield with the ball before slipping a neat pass through to Samuel Eto inside Manchester United’s box.  Eto then cut past Nemanja Vidic before stabbing the ball past Edwin van der Sar at the near post.  After the goal, Barcelona seized the momentum, and began to boss the game by maintaining possession of the ball.  Andres Iniesta and Xavi began to look particularly dominant in midfield.  In my preview of the game, I mentioned that if these two players could keep possession of the ball for Barcelona, my guess was that their team would carry the day.  By halftime it looked like my hunch was right, but I wasn’t sure what Sir Alex Ferguson might pull out his bag of tricks at half time.  He brought on Carlos Tevez in place of Andersen, and for a few minutes, the choice looked to be effective with Tevez lunging at defenders and breaking up Barcelona’s play out of the back.  I expected more of a full-blooded response from United as a whole though, but truth be told, it turned out to be more of the same in the second half.  Xavi, and Iniesta continued to dominate possession in midfield, while Barcelona’s makeshift backline of Puyol, Pique, Toure, and Sylvinho somehow began to look like the world’s best defense.  Things went from bad to worse for United in the 70^th minute, when Xavi sent a beautiful spinning ball across the face of the United goal to pick out Messi, who leapt and lofted a headed goal into the corner past van der Sar. 

Messi scores Barcelona's second goal.

Save for a few moments of counter attack excitement from United, the remainder of the match was spurred on by Barcelona’s neat distribution.  It seemed like United had no answer for Barcelona’s swift and subtle passes, and Ronaldo in particular looked frustrated.  He earned himself a yellow card for shoving Puyol late in the game, but was fortunate not to be booked earlier for a few rash challenges.  With the stakes high in this game, it now looks exceedingly likely that the votes for World Player of the Year will probably go to Messi, rather than Ronaldo.  Messi was not only was the top scorer in the Champions league, but also managed to score in the final, with Ronaldo silenced.  Messi and his Barcelona teammates found a way to break down the Red Devils, and were justified in their celebrations as European Club Champions.  After witnessing the Champions League Final, if Lionel Messi gets the plaudits this year for European and World Player of the Year, the awards he receives will be equally justified.

When Gavin DeGraw first came onto the scene with his first album in 2003, he was a breath of fresh air. Multiple hit singles, with movie and TV show features and the whole lot. I remember, it was right after I finished high school, it was one of the albums in my usual rotation. In fact, Chariot still gets a run every now and then just to feel a bit nostalgic.

The guy deserves it, having played piano since age 8, and staying on his music game up past his graduation from Berklee College of Music (where John Mayer was also attending at the same time). Chariot was one of those albums that helped you through your girl troubles with that special song (I think Just Friends was my tune of choice).

And then, last year, his second and self titled album came out, and I wanted to know what went wrong. Sure he waited nearly five years to release it, but Gavin DeGraw felt rushed. I tried several times to listen through the album, but I could never happily get past In Love With a Girl (an amazing a single by the way). There were a few good tracks along the way, but alas, I just felt like Gavin wasn’t on his A game.

And as usual, I was correct. Why? Because then Gavin, less than a year later told us all “my bad ya’ll” and released his latest work, entitled Free. Free gets back to what Gavin does best; being that soulful singer that distinguished him from all the others. His strange but endearing twang in his voice made me feel like a highschooler again. But ill end my digression here and get into it with the first favorite track on album.

Waterfall, the 8^th track on the album, reminded me of a sultry R&B track with its deep and smooth bass line. Keeping it simple with the chorus, the word “Waterfall” lingers a few times before ending with “you’re beautiful”, makes for a well rounded but original song.

I’ve had a love for bluesy rock songs lately, and the 4^th track, Mountains to Move pours itself a good measure in that bucket. There’s something about a good ol drawl and organs playing in the background that rounds out a song successfully.

The second track, Free, follows my rule of having a good second strong song to establish the album’s credibility as I’ve mentioned in other reviews (I don’t remember which). This is one of those songs that you can relate to what you want in life. Sure, it’s a bit cliché and whatnot, but still a solid track that I bet you’ll end up replaying once you get the album.

But the best track this time is the first track, Indian Summer. I think the reason I picked this one, is for its originality. The Middle Eastern instruments gave hints of a future of going in different directions for Mr. DeGraw. Sure the rest of the album was pretty straightforward, but he gave us a “what if?” glimpse. Also, he kicks off the album with a showcase of his vocal talents, and that he hasn’t lost his touch. Hitting high and low notes throughout, coupled with the slow groove and storytelling lyrics, this is the best track of the album.

I’m happy to announce that this is Gavin’s definitive return to the music scene. I stuck by him, knowing that his self titled album was a small stutter in his magnificent speech that is his musical career. Old fans will be impressed I think, while if you’re just getting onboard this train, you’ll greet it with open arms. I expect to see him and Ben Harper at a show together soon, if they haven’t done so already. It’s a perfect album to sit around the air conditioned house and lounge to with some friends.  It may not be the chemical party that his first album was, but it’s one for the collection, I assure you.

Until next time my friends,

~Flak

In a series of unending blockbuster releases, it is easy to forget about the recent release of a film called The Brothers Bloom, starring Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, and Mark Ruffalo. The story is simple enough: Two brothers turn to the art of con after being shuffled from foster home to foster home. Stephen (Ruffalo) is the mastermind who comes up with the plays and Bloom (Brody) is the vessel used to carry out the role necessary for each scenario. After over twenty years of playing someone else, however, Bloom begins having an existential dilemma and vows he’s quitting the life of a con man for good. Until Stephen lures him back with the perfect final con.

Bloom & Stephen - Fond of Wearing Hats

The mark is an over the top eccentric millionaire named Penelope Stamp (Weisz). Stephen lays a trap for her in the way of sending Bloom down a hill on a bicycle with a banana seat so that he can “accidentally” get hit by the yellow Lamborghini she always seems to be crashing. What they could not have calculated into the equation is that Penolope would have an epileptic seizure after mowing him down and thus not be very remorseful for her actions.

Stephen & Penelope go to Russia

After an awkward first twenty minutes of getting to know one another, Penelope admits that being a shut-in has somewhat limited her conversation skills. Bloom is oddly endeared by this offbeat quality as he watches her perform all of the hobbies (freestyle rapping, piano playing, violin playing, unicycling, et cetera) she has collected in her years as a hermit. Her trusting nature racks an already compunctious Bloom with even more guilt.

Promotional Poster for The Brothers Bloom

Penelope, enthralled by the part Bloom is playing, does exactly as Stephen had planned and tags along with them on a boat to France where, in their alter egos as antique dealers, the Brothers Bloom are slated to make a sale. Along for the ride is their con comrade and resident explosive expert, Bang Bang.

Bang Bang, the Brothers' Yes Man

As the elements of the con continue to go exactly as preordained by Stephen, Bloom grows increasingly irritated with his brother’s ability to paint him as a “Dostoyevskian antihero” and with the fact that he is falling in love with Penelope against all of his best efforts not to.

Writer-director Rian Johnson‘s script is well-crafted and hits all of the standard plot points, but falls short toward the end when an array of forced occurrences are thrown in to get a few more explosions onscreen (maybe it’s that whole competing with the blockbuster thing). Its main flaw is that, for a film that is supposed to be quagmiric in plot, the ending is none too stunning.

What makes the film worth seeing is Adrien Brody’s seasoned performance as a high-strung, aberrant bundle of tension and emotional captivity. Ruffalo and Weisz deliver notable performances as well, but Brody easily outshines both of them.

Not really my type of film, but I gave it a shot anyhow, and must admit that Angels & Demons did not disappoint. Having not read the book, or really paying any bit of attention to this film’s marketing, I had zero expectations going in. All I really knew was Tom Hanks is in the lead, Ron Howard is directing, and it’s some kind of mythological / religious concoction. I’m going to assume that’s all you know as well, and even if you know more you can still keep reading (or go fuck yourself for all I care).

Angels & Demons Movie Poster

In Italy, CERN Laboratories finds a way to capture antimatter, and put a small amount of it in three vials. Great! But wait…one of the vials is stolen! Oh no…in the wrong hands, antimatter could kill millions. That’s right! What could be worse? Well, the Pope of Rome just died too! So now we have some juicy conflict. Physicist Vittoria Vetra (played by Ayelet Zurer) was part of the team that captured the antimatter and is looking to get the stolen vial back. From evidence intentionally provided by the antimatter thief(ves), it appears painfully obvious that there is a connection to the secret brotherhood of The Illuminati. The criminals want to get back at the church for years of oppressing The Illuminati, so they rig the antimatter to explode at midnight (which would easily wipe out Vatican City) and kidnap the four Cardinals who were front runners to succeed the deceased Pope.

Vittoria Vetra Climbing Out of a Hole...That Sounds Dirty...

Vatican police and Swiss Guard have met their match, so they call in Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Hanks) to help find the criminals. Langdon needs to work fast to prevent the antimatter explosion and because the criminals have warned they will kill one Cardinal (of the ones they kidnapped) every hour. He uses his vast knowledge of Vatican history, and studies of The Illuminati, to try and track down the criminals. Camerlengo Patrick McKenna (played by Ewan McGregor) tries to help the investigation where he can, and plays a pivotal role later in the film.

Tom Hanks is his usual self, but Zurer was pretty useless. Her character added absolutely nothing to the story, and she isn’t hot enough to be stuck in solely for eye candy purposes. McGregor played a solid supporting role, aside from a pretty long & cheesy speech he gives to the Cardinals near the end. There were definitely some shady characters in the film, but I felt they made those characters a little too obvious with the use of evil noises. While there was some religion, it wasn’t super heavy; it was more geared around symbols and mythology. I really enjoyed the nice use of lighting and music to set biblical tones and evil elements. From what I am told, the film kept basically true to the book, aside from some character interactions (i.e.: Hanks’ & Zurer’s characters form a love interest in the book, but not in the film).

Camerlengo Patrick McKenna Hiding a Fart

Angels & Demons was not a bad way to spend two hours, and it’s definitely a good date movie. You have good acting, and an active & interesting story. My biggest gripe was that the ending felt pretty convoluted, but not so much so that it ruined the movie; it just kept it from reaching it’s pinnacle.

Even with the stern bashing of this film, by Mojammad, in his cleverly title article, Terminator: Bastardization, I decided to catch Terminator Salvation. Technically, the film is the fourth in the Terminator series, but as Mojammad pointed out, with no Arnold or Cameron, it doesn’t really deserve to be considered part of the series. Do I think Christian Bale did a poor job? No, not really; he normally hovers around good to very good on my mental acting scale, and he did not disappoint in this. If you can put aside the obvious raping of the Terminator franchise, then read on.

Terminator Salvation Movie Poster

The story (in a nutshell) is pretty basic, but to really explain it would give away too much story, which I don’t plan on doing. The nutshell version is that we are in the year 2018, where the human race is fighting genocide from man-made machines (Terminators). One of the leaders of the human resistance, John Connor (Bale), fights to keep hope alive. Connor’s personal agenda is to keep Kyle Reese (played by Anton Yelchin…who was much much better in Star Trek, by the way) alive, who he believes to be his father from tape recordings he has from his deceased mother. During the fight to save the human race, and Kyle Reese, Connor runs into Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington). All we know about Marcus is that in 2003 he was executed for a triple murder, but 15 years later he is walking around healthy, not appearing to have aged one day.

John Connor Moments away from Kissing Marcus Wright

Now that all that garbage is out of the way…

With 27 explosions that I counted, the film boasts a nice 1:4.8 explosion ratio (one explosion every 4 minutes and 48 seconds). There was literally shit blowing up left, right and center. Terminators get destroyed, humans get killed, and there is havoc all over the place. The action scenes are really well filmed, and I particularly liked the camera work while watching Bale man a helicopter. This film will make you feel like you are on a roller coaster because it is just one giant, long shot of adrenaline. They put a lot of highly suspect technical explanations to things, which I just shrug off as movie magic.

John Connor Searching for a Taco Bell

Terminator Salvation will probably appeal to a younger (male) audience, and maybe to some chicks considering it was a heavily male cast, and they were all generally what would be considered “hot”. Keep in mind it is PG-13, so you don’t see any of the good stuff, but there’s lots of mayhem to keep your preoccupied. I suspect they will recoup their 200 million dollar budget, but they are definitely not winning any awards. All in all, it was a decent film – you will probably come for the name, and stay for the explosions.

Welcome! Today, we’re going to discuss computer security. Nowadays, everyone has a computer, and we use them for just about everything. Unfortunately, with amazing technology comes amazing jerks, and the hackers are out in force. With their ability to steal your identity, you have two choices:

• Stop using the interwebz
• Learn how to protect yourself

Since no one in their right mind is going to stop using the internet, let’s talk about how to make your computer as safe as it can be.

Phishing and viruses

Sure to stop any phisher

Most identity theft is caused by “phishers.” Phishers are people without any real talents who send emails to people asking for their passwords to things like Paypal. They are not real hackers, and they can be defeated easily. Don’t tell them your password. Not even if they say please. A phisher is powerless without your help.

More dangerous are computer viruses. You’ll usually come across these while downloading software illegally or looking at porn. In fact, 80% of the internet is just a virus. But worry not, the solution is easy. Only go to trusted websites. It’s easy to find out which websites are good and which aren’t. Send random links to your friends over Facebook and Myspace. If they say they got a virus from going there, then you know it’s not safe.

Hackers

These do not exist in real life.

Let’s get to the heart of the issue: hackers. Hackers are generally not what you see in movies. They’re usually just people who you’ve pissed off. It could be an ex or that nerd you taunted in high school. Or maybe it’s someone getting back at you for that link you sent them that turned out to be a virus. In any case, usually people “hack” your computer by knowing your password. Either you told it to them, or they know enough about you to guess it.

Making good passwords

Most people use the same password for everything, and it’s usually something familiar to them. Instead of doing that, here’s a couple ways to help you in making good passwords. ask your friend what they use for a password and use that instead. That way people who know you well won’t be able to guess it. You can also use passwords that are the opposite of things you like. If you are a Republican, try a password like “<3barack.” It’s a good password because it uses a special character, a number, and a word you’d never use in real life. “Idontloveporn” is also an excellent password, because no one will ever guess that. Be sure to write down your passwords. Put them next to your social security card, a major credit card, and your driver’s license for extra security.

Hiding your porn

The things I would do...

I’ve saved the best for last. While security from the outside world is important, it’s also critical to be able to hide your porn from other people who use your computer. After all, nothing ends a relationship sooner than finding a stash of E-surance girl porn, except possibly finding a stash Dora the Explorer porn. On top of password protecting your porn folder, following the rules above, you can also just name it something no one will ever look at. See this handy guide for further details: Porn Folder.

By the way, let me know if that link is safe.

I’ve got a confession to make: I’m on the J Crew catalog mailing list.  This, despite the fact that 82% of its pages feature women’s fashions.  In fact, this is EXACTLY the reason I subscribed: because J Crew catalog models represent the most perfect species of women in the world.

Now I know that this is a bold statement, but my sole argument is this: they represent the best of all worlds. 

J Crew models represent America’s true melting pot of hotness; they come in all colors and shades, races and ethnicities.  I back up this claim with the simple fact that, just by looking at them, they can make even the most ethnocentric white honky feel comfortable enough to consider dating a black/Hispanic/Asian woman.  This is because almost every J Crew model is a slash-American, exuding the perfect genetic blend of classic and slightly unconventional beauty.  I always pegged myself as ultimately settling down with the quintessential white, Cindy Crawford-looking (should I score so smoothly) girl-next-door type, and with a J Crew girl I feel like I still can – but with a sexy-ass twist of plaintain or sugar cane or coffee or chocolate or tequila or watermelon or sake or soy sauce or peppers or curry or matzah or rice. 

Mmmm.  Delicious.

 To me, the women of the J Crew catalog are many things beneath the surface.  If a picture is worth a thousand words, then, personally speaking, they seem like they are altogether (in no particular order, except the first one):

• Relatively unsodomized
• Open and accessible
• Sweet, friendly and honest
• Great in bed
• Disease-free
• Sane and emotionally stable
• Accomplished and educated
• Intelligent and articulate
• Sporty and athletic (not rugby or softball players)
• Domestic goddesses
• Classy and sophisticated
• Outdoorsy and adventurous

I realize that perhaps I’m projecting the qualities that I specifically might value in a woman, but tell me you don’t sense these inherent traits too.  Because you do.  No, I’m TELLING you…you do.

Lookswise, the J Crew woman tows the line; she strikes the perfect balance between all extremes, thusly:

• Her age is somewhere between 24-34, which means that whether you’re looking for latenight, pantsless fun, serious dating or holy matrimony, chances are she’s game any which way.
• She is not the runway heroin chic, androgynous skele-model, nor the intimidatingly Amazonian Victoria’s Secret angel.
• Breast-wise, she’s the happy medium between the aforementioned flat-chested female David Bowie and the fake-mammed Frederick’s of Hollywood bimbo.
• She seems like the type you’d bring home to meet mom, only to have her become closer with dear old ma than you; likewise, she’d be down for an NFL game, where you’d discover she knows more about the West Coast offense than you (caveat emptor on this point).
• She gets mani/pedis on the reg, but has no unhealthy obsession with the color pink.
• She’s not a shot-guzzling bar slut, or a wine glass-swirling snob; the local microbrew is her ambrosia.

Flipping through the pages of Spring ’09, I gawk at the tall and lithe beauties as they look perfect in jeans and heels or a formal dress.  The fanboy in me believes that if you gave them pointy ears and put them in a forest, Peter Jackson would instantly produce a Middle-Earth-sized erection, since they would be a live-action prototype for sylvan elves.  And everyone wants to do a Tolkien elf.  Don’t do yourself a disservice by trying to deny this fantasy.

These women with the light and natural makeup and casual, somewhat coy smile seem to possess the quickly-disappearing feminine skills of yore: baking; knitting; sewing; gardening; child-rearing.  They seem like they’d be naturals at domestic chores and home-improvement.  Asking one to help you build a regulation horseshoe pit doesn’t seem out of the question.  They are the perfect marriage of the domestic trifecta: Betty Crocker; Martha Stewart; and Aunt Jemima.

It seems like a J Crew girl could make any man happy, unless you’re an Islamic fundamentalist.  Or Sid Vicious.  Or Gene Simmons.

These pictures are indeed worth a thousand words, and I am absolutely digging for subtext when I leaf through a catalog.  For instance, to me J Crew models look like saints on the surface, but with a hint of sinner behind those sparkling eyes.  A nice girl that’s a vixen in the sack, mayhap.  Now, please don’t confuse “vixen” for “dirty, insatiable whore” with an uncontrollable urge for props, toys, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo’s, anal beads and multiple partners.  By “vixen,” I mean the kind of woman that is comfortable with her body, but still a little coy when first rounding third on the way to home plate.  She’s the Catholic-girl type who every once in a while will surprise you with a special outfit or some amazing technique culled from the pages of Marie Claire – the UK edition (the one with the naked chicks in it). 

This is the kind of girl who might talk in the act in moderation, not like she’s overdubbing a skin flick production from Van Nuys.  Truth be told, she’ll probably look somehow sexier in nothing but your raggedy-ass BoSox t-shirt than in that $175 corset-and-garters getup you (misguidedly) bought her.  Combine that hotness with your disturbing thoughts about Ted Williams and you’ll be sporting a green monster of your own night in and night out.

Now this J Crew girl is not all about sex; she’s into the physical, mental and emotional stimulation too, so you better represent with you’re A-game.  This girl is smart and likes to get dirty – with actual dirt.  She probably juggles classic literature with Slash’s autobiography; reads a little Cosmo but longs for the days of Jane.  She was an honor student but not a valedictorian; a cheerleader for basketball when not slide-tackling the shit out of her cross-town rivals; drives a hybrid SUV but would love it if you’d actually nut up and buy that ’67 Mustang you’re always talking about.  No doubt she’s a Madonna fan, but makes no secret about her love for the Crue or Guitar Hero.  Camping or martini-soaked trip to a day spa?  A toss up.  Clearly, she’s never had sex for money, but absolutely had “awkward” feelings for her uber-hot college roommate back in the day, which makes her pretty much…perfect.

Thumbing through these precious few pages, I realize that I’m in love, or quite possibly the hapless victim of heavily researched target marketing.  Either way, I can’t wait for the J Crew summer catalog, and it has nothing to do with the yuppie-in-training pastel fashions.  Instead, it has everything to do with this: