Dear Catherine Hardwicke, Summit Entertainment, and Whom It May Concern:

You fucking fail me.

I was going to shrug this off as one of them “the book was better” humdingers, but a couple bottles of wine and two days later, I am angry as Hades. That said, I’m gonna go ahead and make the assumption that you have failed every 13-17 year old female Hot Topic-obsessed Twilight fangirl who stayed awake late at night painting the ideal portrait of the book saga into their own fragile minds. Vulnerable, we waited with our “TEAM EDWARD” and “TEAM JACOB” shirts and motionless “Edward loves Bella” computer wallpapers for MONTHS with the hopes that your fancy $37 million budget wouldn’t let us down, but it did. Oh, how it did.

And furthermore, by doing so you not only exploited the living (er –undead) literary magic that lies within the pages of our dog-eared and belovedTwilight paperbacks (do you know that book has replaced the BIBLE on my nightstand?!), but you ever so blatantly sodomized the fact that this movie came with a built-in fanbase. How fucking dare you.

You know who you are? You are the arrogant skinny chick that everyone loves to loathe. The skinny chick who doesn’t EVER pay for her own drinks at the bar. That obnoxious skinny chick who thinks she doesn’t have to work during sex because she’s so hot. What’s obnoxious to me is the American Psycho style of dismemberment you successfully executed in this movie, with that paper-thin, patchwork plot development and one-take, shaky-cheek acting we all suffered through.

The thing is, in no way, shape or form does your studio film measure up to even an ounce of the expectations we had, and your futile attempt falls very, very short of resembling any form of credible entertainment.

I just thought you should know.
Best,

Casey Cupcakes

P.S. – Stephenie Meyer, I ain’t mad at ya girl.

—-

Twilight Movie Poster

Twilight journeys us through the love story of two star-crossed teenage lovers mirroring a more sophisticated Romeo and Juliet. The relationship depicted in the film is between a vampire, Edward Cullen (played by the smoldering Robert Pattinson) and a mortal schoolgirl, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). The duo’s dynamic is as tortured and intense as it is rushed, and I was silly to think that the film could ever do justice to Stephenie Meyer’s gorgeous fictional tale. The film itself lacks in thorough character development, making it difficult for even a well-versed fan to keep up, let alone a Twilight virgin. However, I must note that the Cullen family was a superior choice in cast, each family member more than accurately reflecting their physical and emotional depictions in the book. The Cullens genuinely light up the screen and resurrect true life to the film’s undead.

Cast:

Edward Cullen: Robert Pattinson

Bella Swan: Kristen Stewart

Esme Cullen: Elizabeth Reasor

Dr. Carslile Cullen: Peter Facinelli

Alice Cullen: Ashley Greene

Emmet Cullen: Kellan Lutz

Rosalie Cullen: Nikki Reed

Jasper Cullen: Jackson Rathbone

Charlie Swan: Billy Burke

Jacob Black: Taylor Lautner

James: Cam Gigandet

Victoria: Rachelle LeFevre

The Cullen Family

The story begins when 17-year old Bella Swan moves to the small town of Forks, Washington mid-semester, with her single father — accompanied by no friends and little social life. She makes instant friends with an old family friend, Jacob Black, a Native-American two years Bella’s junior, who gives her the 411 on the mysterious Edward Cullen. Mid-way through the film Edward Cullen takes an insatiable draw to her, not because of a lighthearted puppy love, but because his vampire senses cannot resist her, for she smells more exquisite to him than anyone in his century-old existence. Their need for each other becomes undeniable, and as the story goes, the “lion fell in love with the lamb” … thus leaving everything in their wake history. The remainder of the story is laced with high school hijinks, werewolf myths, vampire baseball games and antagonist James’ hunt for Bella — providing for a picture-perfect vampire battle in a poetic ballet studio at the end of the film. The audience is left with a metaphorical carrot dangling loosely in the foreground, as we depart while Bella pleads with Edward to make her immortal.

Pattinson carries the film as leader of the Cullen pack, a surrogate family of age-old “vegetarian”(no sacrificing humans, only animals) vampires, with a smirk and a sexy saunter. Previously seen in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire as the ill-fated Cedric Diggory, Pattinson delved so into the role of Edward that he was overheard on set proposing to his on-screen lover, Stewart. “I didn’t speak for about two months so I would seem really intense,” he admitted. His intensity translates lucidly on screen, while Stewart as Bella is over-acted and desperate. While the film encapsulates the skeletal story of Bella and Edward, it falls very short at bridging the gaps between character enactment in the book. For example, Bella and Alice Cullen’s sisterly friendship isn’t even lightly touched upon, nor is the full back story of the film’s vampire villains, James and the flame-haired Victoria — both of whom hold a large part of the storyline and motives in New Moon (the second installment of the four-part saga).

The film did excel in cinematography and musical score, as it is shot against the lush backdrop of Portland, OR. The tree and meadow scenes are breathtaking; and they are perfectly paired with the radiance of a vampire’s skin when it is hit by sunlight. The soundtrack is as hipster/indie as a Silverlake dive bar, but the use of numerous Muse tracks not only adds to the energy of the scene, but it also holds an important role to the development of the books as well. Meyer even includes a “thanks” to the band at the end of the  Twilight novel and explains that she was able to visualize most of her scenes with the aid of their albums on a continuous loop. I must say, it struck quite a chord to hear the Muse song, Supermassive Blackhole, layered over the forest baseball scene, as I envisioned Meyer blasting the song in her home while furiously scribbling the book to life.

While a shudder occurred when I first heard that New Moon was greenlit, I know I’ll remain loyal to my appreciation for the saga in its entirety. I fucking hate you Hollywood, but there’s no denying my love for the story that had me at first bite.

GRADE: C

Milk tells the true story of of the political career and influence of the first gay man to hold a high position in government, Harvey Milk. The film stars Sean Penn, who plays Harvey Milk, with supporting roles from James Franco, Emile Hirsch, Josh Brolin, Diego Luna and Alison Pill. We travel back to the 1970s to see how Milk influenced the gay movement both in California and the entire country. Milk was easily the best film of the year so far, and unless Frost/Nixon blows it out of the water, it will more than likely win best picture of the year. If you are not a big time movie goer, you still need to find a way to watch Milk in theaters. Penn put on an amazing performance, so even if you can’t stand him as a man, you will be incredibly impressed at his acting. Not being a huge Penn fan in years past, it wouldn’t be fair of me to say it was his best acting role ever since his last film I saw was 21 Grams, but I’m sure it ranks highly nonetheless.

Milk Movie Poster

The film starts off in 1978, where Harvey is speaking into a recorder, talking about his life and political career. We are told the story from Harvey’s point of view, and we are occasionally cut back to the scene of him sitting in his kitchen, talking into this recorder. Early in the film, Harvey’s narration begins in 1970 where he meets the love of his life, Scott Smith (played by Franco), and they start their life together on famous Castro street in San Francisco, California. After moving in together, they opened a shop called “Castro Camera”, where they were greeted by another local business owner who told them:

…there’s man’s law and god’s law. The San Francisco police will be happy to enforce either.

This was the first sign of prejudice in the film, with many more scenes of hatred to come, especially from government officials and the San Francisco Police Department. Funny how many see San Francisco as a gay utopia, without understanding it took beatings, blood, threats, and deaths to get to the safety & warmth it now brings the gay community. Prior to his political career, Milk was an inspirational leader to the gay population in San Francisco. He made a list of gay-friendly shops which would thrive with business, while those not friendly to homosexuals would close down. After an all-out street beating from the SFPD against gay citizens on the charges of “blocking the sidewalk”, Harvey made it so everyone in the community would wear whistles whenever they went outside; if a whistle blew, it meant someone was in danger and help was on the way.

In 1974, Harvey decided to run for one of the six open seats to the board of city supervisor, backed by the love and energy of Scott and a close group of supporters. Harvey lost, but not by much, coming up tenth out of 32 candidates who ran. A year later, he ran for the same position, getting more votes but losing another political race. Throughout the film, we see real news clips from the CBS evening news with Walter Cronkite, discussing the gay movement in various parts of the country. We also see real news clips following the crusade of famous actress, Anita Bryant, who was set on getting any anti-discrimination laws towards homosexuals overturned. Anita Bryant helped get a law reversed in Dade County, Florida, which allowed for equal rights for purchasing property. She was one of the main contributing factors to Harvey’s motivation to keep pursuing a position of government office.

Even though Harvey’s 1976 campaign “Harvey Milk vs The Machine”, it was the closest he came to victory. After the city re-positioned the district borders, it would be an easy victory for Harvey in 1977 because now all he had to do was win over the gay and hippie vote. Scott could not take another campaign, so he left Harvey’s life, but not for good. Enter Jack Lira (played by Luna), who was Harvey’s next boyfriend. Jack was more of a nuisance than anything else, but Harvey liked the fact that he didn’t have to talk politics with Jack, and it was all just happy-go-lucky. For the 1977 campaign, Harvey hires Anne Kronenberg (played by Pill) to be his campaign manager. Kronenberg is a young lesbian woman, who had a solid track record of getting things done. Her first major victory for the campaign was getting an endorsement from The Chronicle newspaper, which strongly helps Harvey win the election in 1977.

Harvey Milk with Mayor George Moscone

After winning the position of Supervisor of City & County of San Francisco, Harvey had three main people to battle. He wanted to go head-on with Anita Bryant, had a weird relationship with fellow Supervisor, Dan White (played by Brolin), and needed to destroy State Senator John Briggs (played by Denis O’Hare) in public debates. Harvey was at ends with White because White seemed like he was an ally in private, but always opposed him in public. The main conflict in the film was based around Proposition 6, which was put on the ballot by Senator Briggs. This proposition asked for all homosexual teachers in public schools to be fired, including anyone that associated themselves with homosexuals. Sounds pretty ludicrous, and almost “believe it or not” status, other than the fact that we just had Proposition 8 pass in California in early November. Proposition 6 had lots of backing, and was leading heavily before Harvey decided to take the battled from San Francisco to all of California.

Shortly after Harvey’s gay rights ordinance passed 10-1 in San Francisco, with Dan White being the only dissenting vote, Harvey wanted to battle Senator Briggs in public debates throughout California. With the help of his right-hand man, Cleve Jones (played by Hirsch), and Mayor of San Francisco George Moscone (played by Victor Garber) Harvey was able to get his wish. Not only did they debate in areas with lots of Milk supporters, but they also traveled to Orange County where Proposition 6 was heavily in the lead to pass. You may remember O’Hare from his role in Changeling earlier this year; he played his role as Briggs beautifully. You really wanted to hate Briggs, and I really liked how he stuttered in debates when Milk put the screws to him on an issue. The rest of the film is yours to experience without explanation; it gets much more powerful.

Brolin is slowly but surely making a big name for himself. Last year he had important roles in No Country for Old Men and American Gangster, and he followed it up with big roles in W. and now Milk. Emile Hirsch plays a very energetic and passionate political aide, helping Harvey in the latter stage of his career. I really like how he played this character, and he was also very good in Imaginary Heroes, where he had a larger part. Stealing the show was obviously Sean Penn. Keep in mind that playing this role perfectly meant always speaking with a very slight accent / lisp, and using effeminate mannerisms, in every scene. There were also several romantic scenes with lots of kissing and groping – not exactly the easiest thing for a straight man to deliver flawlessly, but Penn’s performance did not waver. Many scenes are tear-jerkers, and I didn’t really have to guess since the girl sitting next to me was evidence enough.

Harvey Leading a March with Cleve

Milk was filled with emotion, strong feelings, and superb acting. Expect Sean Penn to win for best actor, and unless Frost/Nixon is more powerful, Milk will also win for best picture. I want you to see it…I want your family and friends to see it…I want their family and friends to see it. My only issue with the film is the release date. Why did the executives behind the film decide to release it at the end of November, rather than early October. It sincerely bothers me to think it was released now for “Oscar Season” rather than when it could have helped destroy Proposition 8 in California. Hopefully it was done for non-selfish reasons, but I went ahead and sent this to Focus Features to see if they have an answer. Should they respond, I will post it below.

I feel like doing a little something off the map for me. It’s something that’s been stewing in my head, the words marinating until they are glazed by a thin layer of self-righteousness and cynicism. I’ve been living in the fine and fair city of Los Angeles for a long time now. My entire life, actually.  I grew up (as did many of my close friends) going to the same grocery stores, malls, movie theaters, and clubs as the famous people that pepper the more affluent parts of this town. I’ve been inconvenienced by on-site filming down the streets I grew up in as a child. I nary turn an eye as film crews and police motorcades casually roll past, most certainly filming something for a television show. I’ve come across people from all walks of life in this great city. A young woman from Portland, Oregon who came down and out of the breathtaking beauty of the American Northwest to become…an actress. A young man from Houston, Texas leaves the immense landscape and conservative ideals of the Lonestar State to further (or begin) his career as…an actor. A young man from Pennsylvania drinks chai and explains to me his life-long dream of becoming…a producer!  I’m shocked at how quickly nearly every out-of-towner has adopted the cynical jaded inflection of L.A. natives. Their deadpan when they explain to me the entire reason the uprooted themselves from their hometowns strikes me both as sad and endearing. There is a tone of coolness and resignation, though it’s coupled with an awareness of how cliche they sound. Of course you’re from out of town. Well, of course you want to get in “The Industry“. Almost always, there is little in the way of explication, and they most immediate question is “…so what do you do? Are you from here?”, and the answer is always “I’m from L.A. What do I do? I work.”. I am personally no longer shocked when I meet a transplanted actor, but frequently I surprise my party when I explain I am a native. As if they are shocked to not only meet someone who grew up around all of this superficiality and excess, but who has nothing at all to do with “The Industry“.

Welcome to Los Angeles where all your dreams come true.

I’m not complaining about transplanted actors. My girlfriend is one (hi, love!). To live in Los Angeles and complain about transplanted actors would be like complaining about illegal immigrants here. Silly. What I’m complaining about are the notions and perceptions many out-of-towners bring with them concerning the behaviour and lifestyles we lead here. There is this unfair misconception of losangelinos being fickle, scatterbrained, superficial, indulgent, sophomoric industry rats clawing at each other from scraps.  The most prominent facade of the culture of L.A. is presented to us by the entertainment industry. The Entertainment Industry invades every facet of our lives, every one of us. from Omaha to Sanduskee, From Portland, Oregon to Portland, Maine. We as losangelinos are fortunate. Having grown up with the industry saturating our lives, we have, I’d like to believe- become quietly immune to it. The L.A. breed of cynicism is really the new cool. Growing up in one of the epicenters of cool (and where most rules of cool were written and  documented), many of us just don’t notice anymore. Some of us are not so fortunate. If you have not been able to insulate yourself from the gilded-dream sequences Hollywood and Madison Ave. inundate us in on a daily basis, you may actually believe we all act like Robert Downey Jr. and Charlie Sheen from Monday to Sunday, sun-up to sundown. God! L.A. must look like Shangri-fucking-La to some babyballs kid from outta Toledo County School District’s best drama department with a sack full of money and a head full of dreams. This whole big-fish-in-a-small-pond-out-to-sea may seem cliche, but it happens on a daily basis here. Along with their naivety, these transplants also bring their notions of cool which aren’t really theirs. They were force-fed down their throats.

I’m getting to my point. The point I’m trying to make is L.A. is L.A. because of what people who aren’t native to L.A. think L.A. is all about. And it isn’t their fault. They are presented images and soundbites, inflections and unspoken rules about social conduct. Many people learn how to act with one another from television, movies. If this is starting to sound cyclical, it’s because it is. Los Angeles revels in presenting this image of itself and people attracted to those ideals and notions flock here in droves. Personally, the calling of actor, actress does not appeal to me in the slightest, and this is mostly due to my modest sensibilities and fierce sense of privacy. I’ve never actually asked anyone why they want to act when they’ve explained to me what their doing here. I regret that. I cannot understand it. But it is most frequently these transplants who seem so eager to present an image of Los Angeles. They posture and inflect hyper-cool mannerisms and command a knowledge of all that which is cool about my town. They crowd the hippest, ritziest spots adorned with Affliction shirts, Hugo Boss cologne, Coach and Louis Vuitton bags, high heels and make-up, trying so desperately to impress each other, trying to pierce each others invisible cloak of pseudo-cool, draped about them like the latest fashion accessory because that’s exactly what it is.

These aspects of L.A. will never change. The entertainment industry generates so much money for the city, if it were to shut down tomorrow this town would implode. As I just illustrated, it’s easy to complain about the shallowness and superficiality that is simply a part of this city. But you take the good with the bad. I’m glad I live where I live, despite all her faults. I’ve seen the ugly parts of this city and most of ‘em are gilded with gold. It’s cool to hate L.A. It’s cliche to say it’s cool to hate L.A. It’s the same thing you’ll hear from those transplants I been talking about. They’ll discuss, in the same breath they used to tell me their career path how disgusted they are by the excess and shallowness of this town, even as they lay in her bed, sup of her bread and water in only the finest restaurants, even as the soak the sun that only shines the way it shines here in L.A.

Cheech and Chong-Civic heroes

L.A., you can be on stuck-up fickle bitch. But I love you. I love you no matter who comes into our house miming the worst aspects of your persona. I don’t like some things about you, L.A. Your Bourgeois tendencies, the disparity between your haves and have-nots, your faux-jaded transplants who don’t love you the way I do. The way anyone who’s lived long enough with you. You may be home to all of us, transplants and natives alike, but that doesn’t mean we’re all from here. I love you, L.A.

Your Los Angeles Kings unveiled their new alternate jersey this past Saturday, November 22 during a shootout loss to Colorado in front of a sold out crowd at the Staples Center. For those of you that haven’t seen the Kings new alternate jersey, here it is:

The L.A. Kings New Alternate Jersey

This jersey clearly recalls the Kings heyday of the late 80′s to mid 90′s, otherwise known as the Gretzky era, with it’s black and silver color scheme. It was around this time, when I was about 10 or 11 that I started watching and generally becoming interested in hockey, and being that I was an L.A. resident, the Kings were, and still are my team. It would be about another 5 or so years until I would start playing.

So with that little bit of exposition out of the way, I am torn on this new jersey. I have truly mixed feelings…

Okay, so the crest, I’m pretty sure I’m liking the crest. It’s bold without looking like the Chevy emblem. But it’s lacking a horizontal stripe at the bottom. To me the horizontal stripe at the waist makes a jersey look more like a jersey and less like a sweater which is what was worn by the Original Six. My biggest problem with the jersey is the very thing that the Kings purposely instituted into it’s design, and that is the color scheme.

Look, I can’t stress enough how much better these colors look without a Chevy logo adorning them, but if you remember back about ten years, one of the chief reasons the Kings moved away from the silver and black was due to the strong gang affiliation these particular colors held. It’s the same reason why there are still so many Raiders fans out here. It’s less about the team and more about the menacing implications of the colors. Silver and Black = Mean and Scary.

Out here in Los Angeles back when the Kings were wearing these colors during the Gretzky era, you had gangbangers who couldn’t tell a hockey puck from a doorknob, walking around rocking a Kings Jersey. And if it would have meant more fans for my team then that would have been great. More people in the stands cheering them on, fucken awesome! I’m all for that. But that just wasn’t the case.

The proof is in the pudding (whatever the fuck that actually means), but you just don’t see these same folks, from the casual to the non fan, walking around in one of the Kings current purple jersey’s

“Hey, I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.”

I’m not looking to hold onto a homogenized and gentrified fanbase, as is so stereotypically associated with ice hockey. Ice hockey is second maybe only to soccer by way of diversity, but the sport I love has a bad enough reputation as it is, however unjustified it may be. Even though hockey players are some of the absolute warmest and most approachable guys around. And I’m not narrowing the field to only include professional athletes.

Sure, sometimes some dirty shit goes down on the ice. But you know what, that’s where it stays – on the ice. And that’s why I’m so afraid of people misrepresenting my sport by wearing this new alternate jersey simply for the colors, or the big fat “L.A.” sewn into the crest, and not because they actually like the team, my team, the Los Angeles Kings.

That being said, I’ll probably be sporting one of these bad boys before the year is up.

- Lenny

Well guess what folks…he did! It’s called Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Zack, Miri, & Glenn and Gary Suck Ross's Meaty Cock

Zack and Miri stars many of Apatow’s roving band of merry mirth makers, lead by none other than Apatow’s Crown Prince – Seth Rogen as Zack. And we’ve got big trunk showerhead freak Elizabeth Banks as Miri. And yes, Zack puts his bike in it! I won’t really go into the story too much, as RMTC has already covered that quite nicely in his review.

I liked seeing Smith getting out of his comfort zone, using his regulars to a very small extent. However, what he ends up doing is jumping out of his comfort zone, and right into Apatow’s. Which is by no means a bad thing, but the problem is that Smith lacks Apatow’s comedic touch. Where Smith uses a crusted over paint roller, Apatow will use a fine bristled brush crafted from the hand-plucked pubis hair of an ovulating virgin.

Before I go any further, for the record, I am a Kevin Smith fan. And the way I see it, the Kevin Smith hierarchy, which is not really a hierarchy more than it is a triumvirate, is as follows:

His best overall film: Chasing Amy
His funniest film: Clerks II
His smartest film: Dogma

I don’t think Smith has made any truly bad films. I know Mallrats is universally considered his worst, which it probably is, but I still think it had it’s moments. So that being said, here’s my offering for the opposite end of the spectrum:

His most self indulgent: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Zack and Miri, is not as funny as Clerks II, nor it as touching as Chasing Amy. What Smith does here with Zack and Miri, is basically try and combine those two. You can’t fault his logic – combine 2 good things to get 1 great one, but he was looking to make a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, and he ended up with a Rumer Willis instead. My sincerest apologies to Zack and Miri for the uncalled for comparison.

Like I said folks, I am a Kevin Smith fan. And while I liked Zack and Miri Make a Porno, I didn’t love it. Maybe I was merely expecting too much out of him, coming off of Clerks II which was by all accounts a labor of love. Clerks II was Kevin Smith’s way of saying Thank You to the characters that gave him a voice (and career) as a filmmaker.

It is now fairly well documented that Smith financed the shoestring budget of $25,000 for the original Clerks with his own personal credit cards. Think about that for a minute. Kevin Smith believed in Randall and Dante so blindingly that he risked financial ruin to tell their story. How many of us can say we’ve gone to similar lengths for something we truly believed in?

Sadly for Zack and Miri, Smith wasn’t a believer.

While that would be a terrific line to close with, it would be a reprehensible injustice if I didn’t point out how great it was to see Jason Mewes playing against type here. For once he’s not the loud mouth stoner jackass. He has some nice scenes throughout and plays an integral role in Zack and Miri’s reunion scene at the end. But more so than Mewes, the most pleasant surprise for me was Katie Morgan of all people. As in adult film star Katie Morgan. Oddly enough there’s a sweet innocence to her. An endearing naivety. Or maybe it’s just her infectious bubbly personality. Granted, she wasn’t really stretching her limits as an actress, but, well, it was nice to see her fucking, but it was also nice to see her not fucking. And that my friends is probably the biggest compliment I could have paid her.

- Lenny

Role Models is the latest comedy that lets more fans fall in love with Paul Rudd. Straight man Paul Rudd gives us a touch of John Cusack from High Fidelity with some Jon Favreau from Swingers sprinkled on top. You might remember Rudd making his first big splash in Clueless, and you will be hard-pressed to find a role he played that you haven’t liked in the 13 years since. Rudd is slowly moving his way up the comic ladder from character roles to leading roles, similar to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s climb up the drama ladder. I like seeing when good acting is actually appreciated, and I think it is long overdue that Rudd gets some fucking recognition.

Role Models Teaches you that LARP'ing is Fun

Along side Rudd are Seann William Scott, Elizabeth Banks, that McLovin doofus Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and child actor Bobb’e J. Thompson. The Rudd / Scott combination worked for me, and I think they would be a pretty good duo in future comedies; straight man Rudd and party boy Scott compliment each other quite nicely. Seems every time I change my underwear, Elizabeth Banks is in a new movie – maybe I think I am dating her with each movie I see her in, so I need to freshen up with the new skivvies? Not to say I am complaining, because she is a welcome relief to the likes of Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston playing the girlfriend / love interest. Truthfully, I am over this McLovin kid. He did all right in Superbad, but he needs to stay out of my future comedies. I will gladly take Frankie Muniz or Michael Cera (especially after Juno) any day of the week over Mintz-Plasse. Thompson added lots of great, unexpected laughs, and in general did a pretty good job of not pissing me off, as most child actors do.

It is Halloween Every Day

Role Models starts out with Danny (Rudd) and Wheeler (Scott) driving around to local schools, pushing a ridiculous energy drink. Danny is in a rut, and feels like he should be further along at age 35, so he decides to take it out on everyone, including his live-in, lawyer girlfriend Beth (Banks). It takes little time for Beth to decide she is over Danny’s progressively deteriorating mood, so she decides to dump him and move out. Not happy with this news, Danny does what any other warm-blooded American male would do and causes misdemeanors and a felony at one of their school stops. Beth gets involved to keep Danny and Wheeler out of jail, in exchange for them doing 150 hours of community service at “Sturdy Wings” which is essentially the “Big Brother” program. Jane Lynch does a great job as Gayle, the founder of “Sturdy Wings“, who is a former coke head slut. Danny is assigned to Augie (Mintz-Plasse) who is a giant nerd, whose live revolves around LARP‘ing, and Wheeler is assigned to Ronnie (Thompson), who is the loud/potty mouth kid that drives away any “big” that tries to help him. Gayle calls the adults “bigs” and the children “littles” – how cute.

Today's Lesson is the Internet Craze - Goatse

As to be expected, lots of hilarity ensues when Danny and Wheeler try to inject themselves into their “little’s” lives, and they contemplate just taking the jail sentence over the public service several times. Danny tries, in all the wrong ways, to get Beth back, with Elizabeth Banks really selling the fact that she is too good for Rudd‘s character, and has tried her best to make it work. Anyhow…Danny and Wheeler are making it work out pretty well, and are starting to get to know the kids better. Just as you think everything is going great – wait, we need conflict or the movie will be too short – both Danny, then Wheeler majorly fuck things up with their respective kids. On the day they were supposed to meet Beth for their court appearance, Danny comes up with a brilliant plan to bring everyone together through a giant LARP session. Everyone loves each other again, Augie mans up and gets a little post-LARP kissing action, and Danny magically has Beth fall back in love with him. Oh mom, how I love happy endings!

What the Fuck do you Mean that was a Tranny Last Night?!

Besides a quick opening joke, the film started off kind of slow, but it needed to to build the relationship between Danny / Wheeler, and Danny / Beth for the audience. Once that was established, we were showered with laughs from the main stars, Ronnie & Gayle. Like I alluded to earlier, the role of Ronnie was fucking perfect. This kid had me laughing just about every time he opened his mouth and a new series of ridiculous thoughts and vulgar language came out of this 12 year old. Gayle masked her raunchy / dirty side subtlety, which made for several “inappropriate” jokes. Even though there was some mushy shit when Danny & Wheeler momentarily fucked up their relationships with their respective kids, it was just the right amount to keep the mood up. If you liked Bad News Bears you will like Role Models; I put it on par with the comedy from an average Adam Sandler film.

Your Mom is Still a Total MILF

I really enjoyed seeing a rated R comedy without being grossed out, or seeing someone’s cock or balls. This was a good comedy that would be great for a date (women will like it), and even your parents would enjoy it. To find out what the “whispering eye” is that I mention in the title, either think for a few seconds, or just go watch Role Models. If for some reason you are still on the fence, I should also note that there are two sets of phenomenal titties that we get to see; both men and women could appreciate their flawlessness.

As a final note: I may have incorrectly assumed that by you reading this, it means you are familiar with LARP‘ing; LARP stands for live action role-playing game, and is essentially people dressing up as fantasy characters and playing out fantasy roles. To learn more, just check the Wiki here.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is Kevin Smith‘s latest film, starring the beautiful Elizabeth Banks (Miri), and the “which recent comedy are you not in” Seth Rogen (Zack). Being a big fan of Kevin Smith, it was a no-brainer to check this out, and while he did not disappoint, I was still hoping for more. As with all of his past films, Smith sprinkled in some sentimental moments and an obvious romance. It felt like the character actors had better zingers than Rogen throughout the film, but he did a decent enough job. Personally, I am tired of seeing Rogen; he’s a funny guy, but he is so one dimensional in all his recent roles. Even funny man Steve Zahn doesn’t always play the same role. If it were up to me Jack Black, Jason Segel (Freaks and Geeks & Undeclared) or even Kevin Heffernan (Farva from Super Troopers) could have taken the lead role further than Rogen. Banks was not used to promote the comedy aspect, but just there to be Rogen’s partner-in-crime, and create the love interest conflict.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

They had a hell of a time trying to promote this film because the word “porno” appears in the title, so they had to switch the ad campaign to a “our title is too racy we can’t even mention it” ploy, with fucking stick figures. Let’s send them boys to Iraq to get torn to shit, but saying “porno” in a billboard is totally taboo – gotta love America. In any case…

Zack and Miri were friends forever, and are struggling to make ends meat as roommates. The cruel world hits them particularly hard as their 10-year high school reunion approaches, and their electricity is shut off. Fortunate enough that they decided to go to their reunion, as Miri’s old crush is now dating a male adult star. Zack, who works at some bullshit coffee shop, starts talking to the guy and gets the bright idea that he needs to make a porno. Who better than to make it with but his best friend, Miri? Zack convinces his co-worker, Delaney (played by the hilarious Craig Robinson), to front the money to get it started, and the auditions begin. Unfortunately, even with the “audition” scene, there were only a couple pair of unfettered titties in this version of the film, and neither was worth writing home to mom about. In any case, they pick their cast and crew, which most-notably consists of Smith staples Jason Mewes and Jeff Anderson (of Clerks fame), and adult film star Katie Morgan.

Version 1 of the Set Destroyed

They pick a location, have all the costumes and scripts ready, then bang away at the shoots. Later they find out they were swindled with the location they pick, and are now out of money with little hope. The great idea of using the coffee shop as the set allows them to avoid that bump in the road. Just about all of the scenes are shot, with Zack and Miri’s big sex scene coming up, which starts to cause some tension. Who knows what will happen after friends of so long decide to fuck? Well, apparently weird shit – who would guess that, right? Some big, hokey drama scenes waste my time, and now Zack storms out of everyone’s life like a butt hurt 12 year old. Some time passes, and Delaney goes out of his way to get Zack back to help finish editing of the film, which then leads to him eventually reuniting with Miri. Aww.

Making a Porno is Tough Work

This was a decent enough comedy that I would not lose any sleep over recommending to people. You have definitely seen funnier this year, so you might want to wait until you can Netflix it. Not to say it is founded, but I was a bit let down by the film. Why we only saw Gerry Bednob (coffee shop owner…old Indian man from The 40 Year Old Virgin) in one scene is beyond me, considering he was the coffee shop owner, and is fucking hilarious. As with most modern-day comedies, there is one big gross out scene that is a solid belly laugh, and we get the privilege of seeing Mewes’ cock. Aside from the gross out scene, Bednob’s scene, and a couple choice one-liners from Robinson, there weren’t many memorable comic scenes. Some decent comedy throughout, don’t get me wrong, but the movie lacked those big one-after-another scenes where funny is layered on top of itself. If by the middle of the movie you can’t come up with a series of funny inside jokes for your audience, then you have partially failed in my book. Rent it or watch it in a theater if you are particularly bored – you won’t be terribly disappointed, but you won’t be terribly impressed either. If I gave grades to things, Zack and Miri Make a Porno would be “smeh.”

ABC has announced that they have not ordered any new episodes for their Sophomore darlings Pushing Daisies, Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money.  For those of you who don’t know or haven’t intuited, that means it’s over.  The shows have not been “canceled”…but they will most likely not be renewed either. They get to finish their seasons, and the fans will probably complain…but it’s over.

Now I haven’t seen Dirty Sexy Money yet, but it got a second season in the fickle current market so it must be at least interesting.  Eli Stone and did we forget to mention EMMY award winning Pushing Daisies are well respected, charming, witty, quirky and fun.  Apparently that isn’t selling well enough…else really…why would they ever be canceled.  SAD.  With the horror of reality TV still on our lips and sitcoms practically extinct…has ABC lost it’s warm fuzzy bone?  I’m about as dark as they come when it comes to humor, but I like to mix it up and nothing gets my allegiance like a good witty warm-hearted comedy. You know…the life we all wish we were leading (whether you admit to it or not).

I know an acting coach who says something very poignant whenever his students are boring him. He says “Real life is boring”.  It’s not entertaining. TV and FILM aren’t real life, else why would we watch it, when we already have reality?  So why on EARTH are we not embracing such fantasy?  Why instead do we love hospital drama, forensics, law and crime drama?  Why do we demand gore and discomfort, illness and all that is wrong with humanity?  Don’t we want to escape?  Isn’t life stressful and challenging enough?  Why don’t we want to step into fun and intelligence (since we all think we’re so much smarter than everyone else).

I now have to refer to the ABC network as The Abusive Network.  You know, like an abusive significant other.  They make you feel uneasy, they’re unpredictable, play the occasional mind game and make you cry unexpectedly.  Maybe that’s too harsh…perhaps I’ll just refer to them as The Very Serious Network (insert Blue Steel face here)…and yet, Ugly Betty?…hmmm.  They did acquire Scrubs from NBC, keeping some humor (though NBC was going to cancel it), and Life on Mars and Private Practice LOST (crime drama-hospital drama) will be moved around to their time slots.  I love ABC, I’m waiting for the return of and I still don’t miss any episodes of Grey’s Anatomy but variety is good people!  Comedies are vanishing.  Why is that?  I’ll admit my TV tastes have become a bit more sophisticated in years past thanks to HBO, Battlestar Galactica and new style comedies like The Office but can anyone hypothesize why we don’t want a good lighthearted giggle anymore?  Television is evolving to be sure, but into what?  You tell me.

As you get older, you see the world a lot differently, and you seem to lose some zest in your life. Some people say life just beats you down, and you get cold, jaded and callous. Still being a baby to this world, I can’t say that I have really felt any of that yet, but I will admit that I am not as easily excited or amused as I was in years past. Could be tastes maturing, but it could be a lot of other things as well – don’t worry, I won’t be boring you with that. The reality of it is that to get me really excited – I’m talking fucking giddy – it has to be something damn near epic. Such an epic moment is how I would describe the night of November 21st. Friends, I believe this article will explain exactly why I love America.

Hugh Hefner has this big mansion, that I suspect many of you have heard of and probably seen. This mansion is modern day folklore, and everything you could imagine about it is true. Never have I seen so many amazingly-stunning women at one event. The night of November 21st easily saw a 2, if not 3 to 1 ratio of women to men. The theme was pajamas and lingerie, which also adds a factor of a thousand to the epic category. Keep in mind, it wasn’t just a large assortment of women, but it was a large assortment of 7s, 8s, 9s and many many 10s. Meeper was there with me, and at one point we agreed that we would fuck 98% of the women there sober, while the other 2% would require minimal alcohol. The true tragedy of it all is that I did not take pictures of all the women there, and many of them looked much better in person than they do in my photos of the night. Nonetheless, the photos should give you some indication of why I love America, and why I would be fucking giddy.

Hugh Hefner with the Twins

Living in Los Angeles, and doing what I do affords me many luxuries. The luxury I am going to discuss is the amount of women these privileged eyes get to see. We are not just talking quantity, because the quality is very much there as well. There is a cornucopia of hot women in this big city of mine, and going out to bars / restaurants / parties / functions gives me the opportunity to keep meeting more of them. I love America. In addition to the ample hotness walking the streets of Los Angeles, I am also constantly dealing with hot women for work – one way or another. Truthfully, I am spoiled, and most certainly I love America. Understand that this background is meant only to give you the magnitude of how delicious the night of November 21st was. It was an epic moment, and I was fucking giddy.

Hugh Hefner is undeniably the reason the American pornographic scene is as large and vast as it is, and he is arguably one of the top reasons women have been more sexual with each passing decade. Women high and low attempt to be in Hefner’s magazine, and at his mansion, year-after-year. Gorgeous women are turned away every day, but we are still fortunate enough to be graced with beauties like Corin Riggs. Corin is the Coed of the Month for November, and she was an absolute sweetheart. You will notice her in the pictures, wearing a red outfit making a pretty funny face outside while we waited for the port-a-potties to free up. I highly recommend Googling her. Meeper also decided he was going to sex it up with the bunny ice sculpture, with a random beauty. It took awhile to get this photo off, because as soon as this chick start posing on the ice, there was a swarm of about ten million cameras snapping off photos like the world was going to end. Gotta love Meeper’s profesionalism and intensity in this photo (and the hot woman is OK too, I guess) -

Meeper Making Love to Ice Sculpture Rather than Hot Latina

If you ever get a chance to go the Hefner’s mansion, do yourself a favor and go. This was my fourth time there, and I loved every second of it. On top of being blitzed all night with the never-ending open bar, and the bevy of hot women, it is a Los Angeles landmark that everyone should see. I also took some pictures of the monkey cage, as Hefner has a small zoo with various birds, and small animals. If you recall from my Halloween article, there was a strange bunny incident at Denny’s. It seems strange bunnies follow me around, because there was another crazed bunny with a leather mask and ears -

Another Crazy Funny Sighting

Since it was pretty dark just about everywhere we went, the videos did not come out all that great. During the video below, I just took a walk through the party grounds while I was still sober, which meant it was also not full yet. There were easily twice as many people there by the height of the party shenanigans, as compared to what you will see in this video. And yet…there were still a ton of hot women floating about. It was almost as though Hefner’s mansion just rains hot women. Make it rain hot women – POOF – done!

There are two more videos I uploaded on our YouTube channel, so feel free to check them out. There are another 40 something photos I took, so check out the PJs & Lingerie Mansion Party photos page. If the videos and photos are not enough to explain why I love America, then obviously you voted twice for Bush. Shoot for the star behind the star!

There comes a time in your life when you just gotta do what you love, and what I love are chicken sandwiches. Hence, the one dollar chick sandwich challenge extravaganza! I ran a pretty standard operation with this challenge, pitting the top fast food restaurants against each other to find out who knows their shit when it comes to cheap chicken sandwiches. In case you are wondering how I am still alive: that’s pretty easy, because for the taste test, I only took one bite of each sandwich. The rest of the testing is merely observational, but I could see how that might make you queasy as well.

I drove around town to the big fast food restaurant chains, as well as the big chicken-specific restaurants to try to get as many test subjects as possible. Take note that the following restaurant chains do not offer a one dollar chicken sandwich solution:

• Tommy’s™ – no surprise here
• In-N-Out – no surprises here
• El Pollo Loco – they sell one dollar taquitos, but no sandwiches
• Fatburger – they sell a grilled chicken sandwich, but well over budget
• Arby’s® – very surprising here; I was emotionally hurt when I found out

The fast food chains that do offer a one dollar chicken sandwich solution that I used are pictured below. On the top row, we have (from left-to-right) Jack in the Box®, McDonald’s®, Popeyes®, and Church’s Chicken®. On the bottom row (also from left-to-right) is Burger King®, Carl’s Jr.®, Wendy’s®, and KFC. A couple things I was not aware of until I actually went to their respective websites is that Popeyes® officially has no apostrophe, and KFC is no longer called Kentucky Fried Chicken and is just KFC (similar to FedEx not being called Federal Express any more, I suppose…gotta get HIP!).

If you want to skip to a sandwich, just click on it on the image below. If you want to hear a little more background to the one dollar chicken sandwich phenomenon, or read what I did during testing, then keep scrolling!

For those of you unfamiliar with the fast food restaurants I used in the challenge, you might be an out-of-state-r or think your shit don’t stink. In either case, this article is very much not for you. This is intended for the person that wants the best bang for their buck (literally), and either prefers chicken to beef or likes the occasional alternative to cheap hamburgers. One dollar chicken sandwiches come in handy in various facets of your life, including (but not limited to):

• Traveling to Bum Fuck, Egypt and not being able to trust any other restaurant in sight
• Time is of the essence, but you gotta scratch that itch in your belly
• It’s a lazy Sunday, and you are tired of pizza or Chinese
• Long day at the office leaving you neither the will nor the energy to cook real food
• You just got a hankering, irregardless of circumstance

For the one dollar chicken sandwich challenge, I took several pictures of each sandwich. The first image you will see is how it comes in the original wrapper, then how it looks out of the wrapper, how it looks with the top piece of bread removed, and then a horizontal view of the chicken by itself against the width of a DVD case. I took note of the ingredients of each sandwich, and took one bite of each. Other than for Church’s Chicken®, I was able to pull the nutrition facts for each sandwich off of their respective websites. Popeyes® was the only establishment that did not offer a true one dollar solution that I tested, so I had to settled for their $1.49 option. My scoring below is based around taste, texture, any undesirable after taste(s), and the calorie-per-cent index (CPCI). Now without further ado, I present to you the Behind the Hype one dollar chicken sandwich challenge!

Jack in the Box® – Chicken Sandwich

• Total serving size: 145 grams 2nd Place!
• Total calories: 400 3rd Place!
• Total sodium: 730 milligrams
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 4.0 3rd Place!
• DVD box comparison: slightly thinner
• Ingredients: Lettuce, mayonnaise, bread (no sesame), and chicken patty

This sandwich had a very bland taste; the chicken patty looks very similar to what you would get in a frozen stack of 20 from Costco, and the buns had to be taken from a high school cafeteria. There was a slight, unpleasant after taste. In general, it tasted like eating unpleasant, bland air. I’d stick to their burger offerings, or try one of their legitimate chicken offerings. You’d think with all those calories they could cram in some flavor, but I guess not.

Overall score: 5.0

McDonald’s® – McChicken®

• Total serving size: 143 grams
• Total calories: 360
• Total sodium: 830 milligrams 3rd Place!
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 3.6
• DVD box comparison: slightly thinner
• Ingredients: Lettuce, mayonnaise, bread (no sesame), and chicken patty

To be honest, I can’t say I thought McDonald’s® would stack up at all against this stiff competition, but they made a very strong showing in the taste test. This sandwich had a good taste, with no after effects. Eating this sandwich felt like I was eating real chicken; it had a nice texture to it, and plenty of flavor. With a slightly bigger patty, they could have easily stole first place in the overall competition.

Overall score: 6.2 3rd Place!

Popeyes® – Chicken Biscuit

• Total serving size: 102 grams
• Total calories: 350
• Total sodium: 930 milligrams 2nd Place!
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 2.35
• DVD box comparison: thicker 2nd Place!
• Ingredients: biscuit, and crispy (slightly) chicken strip

Easily one of the tastiest, but hands down the greasiest sandwich in the field. A distinct tangy taste to the chicken, and the unique choice of biscuit versus bread would have put this sandwich over-the-top, if not for the mounds of grease and oil. You could distinctly see the grease through the wrapper; I just can’t stand the taste or feeling that grease gives me, even though it is supposed to tell my brain how good it is. This was the smallest sandwich I challenged.

Overall score: 6.0

Church’s Chicken® – Original Chicken Sandwich

• Total serving size: N/A
• Total calories: N/A
• Total sodium: N/A
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): N/A
• DVD box comparison: about the same thickness
• Ingredients: Lettuce, mayonnaise, sesame bread, and chicken patty

Just looking at this sandwich makes you wonder how they could turn a profit on it at just one dollar. The patty was actually larger than the bun, and they use legitimate buns too. There was just enough mayo to help, but not overpower the chicken. Here they focus on the flavor of the chicken, and it shows. For being my first experience with Church’s Chicken, I would happily go back.

Note* – I chose the original flavor, but they also offer Spicy, Buffalo (using Frank’s Redhot sauce), and Honey BBQ.

Overall score: 7.5 1st Place!

Burger King® – Spicy CHICK’N CRISP™ Sandwich

• Total serving size: 135 grams
• Total calories: 450 2nd Place!
• Total sodium: 810 milligrams
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 4.5 2nd Place!
• DVD box comparison: slightly thinner
• Ingredients: Lettuce, mayonnaise, sesame bread, and chicken patty

I guess having it your way does not go for taste as well. This sandwich sucked. It was extremely bland – I’m talking 0% flavor – and most certainly was not spicy as the name suggests. Nothing more to say – stick to the Whopper.

Overall score: 4.5

Carl’s Jr.® – Spicy Chicken Sandwich

• Total serving size: 213 grams 1st Place!
• Total calories: 560 1st Place!
• Total sodium: 1,480 milligrams 1st Place!
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 5.6 1st Place!
• DVD box comparison: slightly thicker 3rd Place!
• Ingredients: Lettuce, mayonnaise, sesame bread, and chicken patty

Carl’s does not skimp on their one dollar spicy chicken sandwich. I received my sandwich in their smallest bag, as would be expected since it is just one item, and the thing could not fit comfortable while horizontal; it had to stand vertically otherwise the bag would bulge. This was the biggest sandwich of them all, and is a great value (if you don’t mind the ridiculous amount of calories and sodium). This sandwich is tasty, with the best lettuce / chicken combination (ergo, not too much lettuce, and not too little – just right). It does have a slightly spicy taste – I could say it is the spiciest of the field (which it is), but that might put the wrong idea in your head; in the grand scheme of things, this does not come close to legitimately being “spicy” but it is the spiciest of this field. It loses to Church’s due to taste, but it makes a very strong showing.

Overall score: 7.0 2nd Place!

Wendy’s® – Crispy Chicken Sandwich

• Total serving size: 142 grams
• Total calories: 330
• Total sodium: 670 milligrams
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 3.3
• DVD box comparison: slightly thinner
• Ingredients: Lettuce, mayonnaise, bread (no sesame), and chicken patty

Wendy’s® loses out only due to size. It is a pretty small sandwich compared to the offerings from Church’s, Carl’s, and even McDonald’s. That being said, this would probably be the closest thing to just ripping off some chicken breast from a whole chicken out of the grocery store, and putting it between two pieces of bread. You do not get that commercial taste; it is a very tasty sandwich, and is the one where you could taste the chicken the most.

Overall score: 6.5

KFC – KFC Snacker™

• Total serving size: 113 grams
• Total calories: 270
• Total sodium: 610 milligrams
• Calorie-Per-Cent Index (CPCI): 2.7
• DVD box comparison: considerably thicker 1st Place!
• Ingredients: Lettuce, Cesar dressing, sesame bread, and crispy (very slightly) chicken strip

Yuck. The Cesar dressing was not a welcome surprise. This sandwich had a bad after taste, and just a nasty taste all around. On top of how bad it tastes, it was also the second smallest behind Popeyes®. The only good thing about this sandwich was that I only had to take one bite. Yuck.

Overall score: 4.0

It was not easy crowning Church’s Chicken with the highly-coveted crown of best one dollar chicken sandwich because of stiff competition from Carl’s Jr., but it was well-deserved. I look forward to trying out Church’s Honey BBQ version of this sandwich.

If there is anything you learned today, it should be that not all fast food restaurants are created equal, and that for leading such a busy life, I sure do have a lot of time on my hands. Look for more restaurant challenges on Behind the Hype, as I plan on putting together more in the future. Please feel free to leave a comment or contact me with ideas for future challenges. Thanks!