Saddle Ranch is located at 8371 W Sunset Blvd West Hollywood, CA*. Saddle Ranch is about four minutes away from ONE Sunset, on the Sunset strip, but unlike ONE Sunset, Saddle Ranch has a clear-cut idea of what they want to do. Saddle Ranch is a restaurant first and foremost, but they also have a bar where you can sit at, or just order from for your table. They have valet parking, which is only $3.50, which I recommend because expecting to find street parking will leave you stressed and confused. They have a really cool Western-themed decor outside and in, with a mechanical bull inside, and lots of sexy waitresses.

I should add they actually charge $4 for the mechanical bull, which kind of sucks. Nonetheless, the bull adds some good excitement to the atmosphere, and who doesn’t like to see hot girls giggling about and being tossed off a mechanical bull? They also have a pool table on the other end of the restaurant, near the bar area.

The food is a bit pricey, but keep in mind we are on Sunset, so they have that expensive rent to consider. From the general sentiment of our table (8 people), the food is pretty enjoyable, but this night, I did not have a meal. The other times I have been at Saddle Ranch, I always walked away satisfied from my meals, but the atmosphere and drinks certainly add value to the pricing. One of my buddies ordered a steak, and for a Western place, it was pretty dinky:

Corn and Mashed Potatoes make Steak their Bitch

This is my fourth time to this Saddle Ranch, and each time I have had a good time. This is a really fun way to have a good meal while drinking with your friends. Probably would make for a decent first date, although keep in mind it can get pretty loud with the music and commotion from the mechanical bull. If you take your significant other, I think that would work best. On the weekends, it is pretty packed, with lots of pretty people, and the great thing is you don’t feel compelled to have to “dress up”, as it is a relaxed / casual atmosphere. I also like that there is outside seating in front of the restaurant, and all along the side of the building as well.

What review of Saddle Ranch is complete without videos of girls riding the mechanical bull? You’re right – none. So here is a busty white girl to get the ball rolling:

For those that like the darker meat, here is a busty black girl, who could not contain herself while on the bull…she’s definitely a screamer, boys:

I have got to say that I really like Saddle Ranch. It is fun, exciting, and relaxed. Not the best place to pick up puss/cock, but it is possible…just more difficult than a regular bar/club setting. If you go on the weekend, there will be more girls in dresses that get on the bull, which almost always guarantees the girls ass will be on display. It seems the bull operator has it down to a science, so that if a girl gets on the bull in a dress, the audience gets a nice show. Delicious. Enjoy the good eats, fun times and up-beat atmosphere of Saddle Ranch.

*Note: there are locations in Universal City, CA, Glendale & Scottsdale, AZ, and Kansas City, KS.

After a successful first NFL game in London last year, between the Miami Dolphins & New York Giants, the NFL had the New Orleans Saints & San Diego Chargers travel over the pond to square-off. The stadium was packed, and 81,000+ seats were sold out well in advance. The Saints were considered the “home” team at Wembley stadium in London. During the UK national anthem, “God Save the Queen”, the entire stadium sang along with “Joss Stone” (cute singer) – something you don’t really see at American stadiums.

Aerial Shot of Wembley Stadium - London, England

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell spoke with the game’s commentators, explaining that he has committed the NFL to at least one game in London in each of the next two seasons (possibly more!). Goodell‘s main concern is to not take away from the home fans in the states. One of his solutions would be to possibly take away two preseason games, and add them to the regular season schedule, making it an 18-game regular season. Eventually, Goodell would like to have one overseas game for each team, every year. There is already a positive response from teams for an 18-game season, which should help Goodell‘s plans of globalization. He said he is very interested in the globalization of the NFL, and even commented that he would love to see an NFL team in London in the future.

Deuce McAllister Having a Field Day (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

On to the actual game, which was filled with lots of passionate play. Both teams were coming off road loses last week, so obviously neither wanted to have back-to-back loses, especially with bye weeks coming up. The Saints were at a slight disadvantage with Reggie Bush being inactive due to injury recovery. Why it is only a slight disadvantage is because they had Deuce McAllister starting, who is the Saints all-time rush leader, and can still play hard when called upon.

The Saints came out strong, with a long opening drive. It only resulted in a field goal, keeping the Chargers streak of 22 games without allowing an opening drive touchdown alive (longest active streak).

Philip Rivers Struggling to Read (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

There was no defense or pass rush from either side. Both quarterbacks, Drew Brees (Saints) and Philip Rivers (Chargers), had all the time in the world to make their passing decisions. The Saints offense dominated time-of-possession, and the Chargers defense in the first half. The score was close even though the Saints had the upper hand into half-time (Saints were up 23-17).

Saints got solid rushing out of McAllister, and LaDainian Tomlinson had a break-out game for the Chargers himself. Brees went to several receivers, spreading the field, and throwing lots of short passes to open up the middle of the field.

Chargers‘ defense was on the field way too long. Rivers had a good game, although he was a little wild at times, throwing passes behind/ahead of his intended receivers. Antonio Gates had a really easy time having another good game against the Saints, as the Saints‘ secondary had no answer for him.

LaDainian Tomlinson Running Hard (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

Both teams had a lot of pretty catches from their wide receivers. Saints‘ Lance Moore had an incredible diving catch for a 30-yard TD reception; while Chargers‘ Malcom Floyd had a great catch where Rivers literally just threw it up high for him, and he got up on his ladder to grabbed it out of the air.

The Chargers were struggling through three quarters to make it a close game, score-wise, but they took over in the fourth. After a field goal, the Chargers successfully ran a fake on-sie kick with 9:35 left in the game. Quite frankly, I was surprised/impressed the Saints were not expecting it – literally only one man on the Saints special teams went for the ball. The ensuing Chargers drive resulted in a beautiful stretched-out TD catch from Vincent Jackson. Saints challenged that his feet were not in bounds, but the ruling on the field stood after review.

There true turning point was at 5:32 left in the game, which could have made it a completely different outcome. Chargers‘ strong safety, Eric Weddle, picks off Brees off an under-thrown ball. At the time, the Chargers were only down 30-37, and the momentum was definitely in their favor. Saints challenges the ruling on the field, suggesting that the ball was not cleanly caught by Weddle. The interception was over-ruled after reviewing, as Weddle did not have complete control of the ball. Even still, the Saints did not do much with the possession, and gave the Chargers another chance to tie the game up.

God Bless Football Cheerleaders (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

The Chargers now have less than three minutes to come back from their 7-point deficit. In my opinion, this was going to be cake. Rivers was having a solid game, Tomlinson had his break-out game of 2008, and Gates was owning up the Saints‘ secondary. As expected, the Chargers trotted down the field, which started with a big pass play to Tomlinson. Rivers is leading the offense, picking up some nice yardage with a series of well-timed, well-placed passes. As they approached the red zone, it really looked like this game was going into overtime. But wait…this is the Chargers we are talking about! Rivers throws a ball in the middle-of-the-field, intended for Chris Chambers. The ball was tipped by the Saints‘ secondary, which was surrounding Chambers like I would surround the Saints‘ cheerleaders, juggled a bit, and eventually ended up in the hands of Saints‘ Jonathan Vilma. Nail, meet coffin. Nice try, Chargers.

This was a really entertaining, high-scoring game. Aside from the Eagles & Cowboys Monday night game in week two, I have not watched a more exciting game this season. I hope those limeys were happy with this game, because I sure was, even without being the die-hard Chargers‘ hater that I am. Aside from that, commissioner Goodell‘s comments during the game are exciting to hear, and I look forward to the NFL expanding it’s product.

All photos courtesy of NFL.com

I caught the Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, & Jon Voight starring Pride and Glory Friday night.

Is that really the last thing you want to uncover?

Before I go any further, that title, Pride and Glory? Really?! …that title fucken sucks… It’s embarrassingly generic and fundamentally forgettable. A year from now, hell, 3 months from now, if you asked someone about Pride and Glory, the conversation might go something like this:

You: Hey, so I caught the Pride and Glory on the cable the other night…

Them: Pride and Glory, that’s the football one right?

You: No, no, it has nothing to do with football.

Them: Are you sure…?

You: Yes, I’m sure it’s not a football movie. Like I said, it has nothing to do with football… … …okay, well, that’s not entirely true…the opening scene is Colin Farrell playing football for 10 minutes.

Them: See! I told you!!

You: You didn’t tell me shit! I watched the fucken thing last week, it’s not a football movie!

Them: Uh huh, whatever.

You: Have you seen it?

Them: I don’t need to see it to know it’s a football movie. It’s called motherfucken Pride and Glory!

[gunshots]: Pop…Pop…Pop Pop…(you just put 2 bullets in your friend’s head and then 2 more in his chest)

You: Is it a football movie now Motherfucker?! Larry? Larry?? SWEETIE! IT HAPPENED AGAIN!!

Sweetie: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO WATCH THAT MOVIE ANYMORE?!?! AND YOU BETTER HAVE KEPT IT OFF MY RUG, IT REALLY TIES THE ROOM TOGETHER!

Much like the title, the story of Pride and Glory is not at all original. A good cop trying to uncover police corruption by going after bad cops. It’s an immensely derivative idea that’s been done to death, most recently in Street Kings starring Keanu Reeves and Forest Whitaker, and more masterfully in Sidney Lumet’s Serpico with Al Pacino in the title role, and in the undisputed champion of this niche genre, Curtis Hanson’s L.A. Confidential with Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce.

Look, we get it, there are corrupt cops out there. I especially get it, I live in L.A. – home of the Rodney King beating, but if you can’t bring something new to the table, then don’t bother taking it outta the grocery bag.

The story of Pride and Glory is essentially this: Ed Norton (I love the fact that he shares a name with Art Carney’s Character from the original Honeymooners) plays Ray Tierney, a gun-shy cop who’s been working missing persons cases for the past two years since taking a slug to the face (a trait shared with Pacino’s Serpico). His brother Franny (Francis), played by the underrated Noah Emmerich, is the Commander of a squad that just saw 4 of it’s officers killed in the process of a botched raid. Jon Voight, plays their father, who is some sort of higher up in the department. I’m not purposely being vague, it’s just that it was never explained. He might even possibly be retired, though I don’t think he is.

This is all supposed to be set in Detroit, but save for a few mentions of the Detroit PD, I thought I was watching a movie set in New York. There was nothing in this movie, location-wise, to distinguish it from an episode of Law and Order. I mean, would it have killed them to throw a Red Wings jersey on an extra or two?

To help his brother out and get his dad off his back about “getting back on the streets and out from behind a desk,” Ray joins the special task force setup to find the shooter. All it took to get him on the task force was a favor called in from his dad.

It is through his investigation that he discovers the corruption that lead to the 4 officers being killed. One of the transgressors is none other than Jimmy Egan, Colin Farrell’s character, who just so happens to be married to Ray and Franny’s sister. Seems highly coincidental and just a little convenient? Yeah well, the convenience doesn’t end there. The movie is filled with situations and scenario’s that just don’t feel real. One of the final scenes has Ray walking a cuffed Jimmy a few blocks back to Franny’s squad car where they encounter a mob lead by a man Jimmy previously beat and tortured for information. So it’s a given that they kill Jimmy, but what do they do with Ray, the witness and Cop? Why, they let him go course. I mean they were wearing masks…oh wait, no they weren’t. And why didn’t Franny suspect that there was corruption in his ranks? Hmm, let’s sack him with something to make his ignorance forgivable. I’VE GOT IT!! Let’s give his wife terminal cancer!

There are also several loose ends that aren’t tied up, but not in a French New Wave intentionally ambiguous manner. They just run out of movie and never come back to them.

As far as this movie’s technical merits go, given co-writer Joe Carnahan’s Narc pedigree, while the situations don’t feel real, the look of this movie feels very real, very “man on the street,” thanks in large part to it’s heavy reliance on hand-held photography. Additionally, too many of the scenes were too dark, visually, for my liking. A fact which can most certainly be directly linked back to the abundance of hand-held shots. I’m no cinematographer, but it wouldn’t have hurt if they threw a few more fill lights into the mix. These two quirks alone, might make this movie difficult to watch for some, much like Cloverfield did.

All that said, Pride and Glory isn’t wholly without merit. The acting by the principals it top notch. Ed Norton is good in just about everything he’s in. But for me, the two actors that really shine are Jon Voight and Noah Emmerich, with Colin Farrell being the weak link in the acting chain.

The standout scene for Voight is at the dinner table. As this scene began, I cringed in horror at what I believed was the makings of an all too personally familiar scenario. One of grievances being aired, one chock full of proclamation’s of children’s potential left unfulfilled and talent’s squandered. I in turn was left fully content with the obvious work of fiction where Voight, surrounded by his family after having had a few nips, goes around the table praising each of his three kid’s individual talents. Ray, Ray is the Thinker. Franny is the Leader. And Megan (played by Lake Bell) is the Heart, the compassionate one. Courage, Brain, and Heart, the Wizard of Oz parallels are not lost on me.

Noah Emmerich doesn’t really have a single standout scene like Voight does, he’s pretty much good throughout. He’s an underrated character actor who consistently delivers and his performance here is no different.

Norton’s character lives on a boat in the movie. The boat begins to take on water and Norton does his best to fix the leak. It’s a metaphor that can be applied to this movie, it’s a sinking ship relying on it’s considerable acting talent to save it. I just wish the ship they were saving was worthy of their efforts.

- Lenny

This is not hyperbole folks…I’ve decided to be a generous bastard today and clue you all in on The Perfect Halloween Movie!

Let me first say, I’m not talking about a slasher flick here. This isn’t one of your Friday the 13th’s, or Nightmare on Elm Street’s, it’s not a Saw movie, or the titular Halloween itself, and it’s not even the first Scream film, though I do give Scream an honorable mention.

To be sure, there’s a time and a place for all the above movie’s I mentioned, however, ironically enough, Halloween is neither the time nor the place. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. Let me clarify…I was once at a Halloween party (yes, someone actually invited me to a party!), and they had the TV on with the volume on mute, and The Blair Witch Project was playing. In this scenario, a slasher type flick is the perfect remedy for what ails you. Random familiar images silently flashing across a screen…you’re walking past, you look over, you nod in appreciation, maybe you even stop and watch for a minute or two, but that’s it, no more than a minute or two.

You are at a party afterall, you don’t need to draw any negative attention to yourself as the guy sitting there intently watching a disembowelment with just a touch of drool at the corner of your mouth. Unless of course you’re trying to get noticed by an Emo chick. But if you are, you’re probably Emo yourself, and wouldn’t be at a party to begin with, so this is all moot, and back to what I said earlier, a minute or two, and no more!

But here’s the thing, sure, this year the day of Halloween itself actually falls on a Friday, but how often does that happen, it falling on a Friday or Saturday? I would say the odds are incalculable. What I’m offering you in the form of The Perfect Halloween Movie is something you watch (possibly) alone on the (lets say) Tuesday of October 31st. You’ve already partied your brains out on that previous Saturday, and your hangover has finally subsided. The last of the trick-or-treaters have come and gone, so here’s what you do:

You crack your window a bit to let the crisp Fall air in. You load your Dvd player. You turn off all the lights and you bundle up to both keep warm and “protect” yourself. Everytime the wind howls, it gives you goosebumps. You’ve set the mood. It’s time now, the atmosphere is ideal. You hit the “play” button on the remote and settle in for your first viewing of what will become a yearly tradition of The Perfect Halloween Movie! Have I piqued your interest? That Perfect Halloween Movie’s title? FRAILTY!!!

I could spend hours extolling the virtues of this film. It stars Bill Paxton (who also marked his feature film directorial debut here), Matthew McConaughey, Powers Boothe, and the true stars that really carry this film – Matt O’Leary and Jeremy Sumpter.

I don’t want to give too much away, but Paxton plays a single Dad who comes home one day and proclaims to his two boys, Fenton and Adam, that an angel has tapped him to do God’s work.

The sincerity with which Paxton delivers these words, would be laughable coming from any other actor. Paxton knows this character, he knows the man he is portraying and never treats him like the kook any of us would think he were, were he a real person.

And trust me, when Paxton produces the “tools” which the angel provided him with, you really do think he’s a kook.

Among the many things Frailty does right is that it never leans one way or the other in revealing whether or not Paxton is off his nut, or if he really is doing the Lord’s work. And it is this balance that is the basis of the story.

On the one side you have the eldest son Fenton, now with the weight of the world on his shoulders believing his father has gone mad, and trying to make his kid brother understand that what their Dad is doing is wrong.

Then on the flip side of that coin, you have Adam, the youngest son, who admires his brother, but idolizes his father and takes their new “job” to heart. He just can’t figure out why Fenton isn’t on board.

Like I said earlier, I don’t want to give away anymore, plotwise, but that doesn’t mean I’m done lauding Frailty…

This movie, tonally, is moody and highly atmospheric. There isn’t too much actual on-screen violence, so much as inferences to violence and it just sucks you in. It makes you feel for young Fenton and the inner turmoil he’s so obviously going through. He love’s his Dad, but it’s his job to protect his kid brother, first and foremost.

Frailty, if I had to categorize it would definitely fall into the “thriller” category, versus the “horror” category, but this story is titled “The Perfect Halloween Movie” and not “The Perfect Horror Movie.”

A film can be spooky and chilling without gore or horror, and Frailty is the prime example of just such a film.

I just want to set one thing straight before I go on, I am by no means denouncing horror film’s. I love a Dead film (Night of the Living…, Dawn of the…, Shaun of the…, and so forth) as much as the next guy, but I have yet to watch one that evokes in me the same level of, I don’t know, the same level of empathy that Frailty does for it’s protagonists.

And that to me is what Halloween is all about. You put on costumes to be/feel like someone (or something) else. Empathy!

Frailty is so good a movie that I lent it to a friend a few years ago and have never gotten it back (I’m looking at you Sharon, I don’t know where you are, but where ever it is I’m looking at you!).

And really, that should be the tag line: Frailty – so good you’ll want to steal it!

Honorable mention goes to:

The Orphanage…

This movie will creep you the fuck out!

…Sleepy Hollow…

Tim Burton = atmospheric, but campy.

…It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown…

I'll usually watch this earlier in the night, while the Trick-or-Treater's are still on the prowl.

…and as noted earlier, the original Scream…

You know you loved it!

You’ll have a great night with any of these, but chances are you’ve already seen Scream, you’re too cool for Charlie Brown (fyi – you’re not), you think Sleepy Hollow is silly, and you don’t want to read the subtitles of The Orphanage. So Frailty it is!

You can thank me in the form of a date with your sister…I hear she’s loose.

- Lenny

I wanted to get this posted earlier this week, but I suppose better late than never. So just to prepare you, I will start by saying the Oakland Raiders actually won another game. That is not a typo – the Raiders won. I will mention this a few times throughout the post, just in case it won’t fully set in.

By no stretch of the imagination was this an exciting game. Even for a football fan, such as myself, it was tough to watch all the way through. I suspect to Jets and Raiders fans, it was a clash of football powerhouses, but to everyone else, it was pretty boring. The “action,” if you can call it that, really only set in during the fourth quarter, and built up through over time. GASP! Over time, you say? Yep, over time. Which of course means that the Raiders did not blow it in the fourth, which seems to be their them for the 2008 season. Believe me, it seemed at times they were trying to give the game up, but they pulled through and won. That is right, I repeat, the Raiders won.

Sebastian Janikowski Might Get Laid (photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Sebastian Janikowski was the Raiders hero on this day. In a back-and-forth duel of no offense, and good defense, it came down to his 57-yard field goal in over time to win it for the Raiders, with a final score of 13-10. For those of you that are not football fans yourselves: 57 yards is FUCKING FAR. When we start getting into the upper 40s is when most kickers start to lose their range; here we are talking upper 50s. 57, to be exact. I am guessing Janikowski ate his Wheaties. Oh, by the way, the Raiders won.

The game really should not have gone into over time in the first place. The Raiders were, for the most part, dominating the tempo of the game, and really held Brett Favre‘s Jets in check. Favre kept getting knocked down, especially as he was releasing the ball. A few times I was skeptical that he was not going to get up, but we are talking about mister “most starts in a row ever” Favre. The only thing the Jets had going for them was the amazing play of their running back, Thomas Jones. Jones simply made the Raiders’ defensive line his bitch. Dare I say, “that’s a big bitch!” Justin Fargas and Darren McFadden, of the Raiders, once again had stellar games, but Jones trumped their combined total rushing yardage. The more I see Fargas play, the more I am impressed by this young running back. He runs hard, finds the holes, and is light on his feet. I predict next year will be his break-out year, with well over 1,000 yards rushing.

Thomas Jones Destroying the Raiders (photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Favre‘s impact on the game was pretty non-existent. He threw one pick, and had no touch downs. Really, his only highlight was the block he set on an end-around play. It should have actually been two interceptions for Favre, but Michael Huff, of the Raiders, decided he was not going to catch the present that Favre threw right at him – I will also add that ball had no pace on it. Favre was actually outplayed by JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders‘ starting quarterback. Which is not really saying much for either of them. Russell still lacked confidence, and threw several errant passes. We saw the occasionally glimmer of hope when he stood strong in the pocket, surveyed the field, and made an accurate throw, but those situations were just few and far between. I think he is definitely starting to show signs of coming into his own, but he still needs to grow into his role. Don’t get me wrong, Russell will be a star in the NFL – the guy can throw fucking bullets, and when his head is right, he has pin-point accuracy – but we are just seeing his learning curve now.

Russell Maybe Hitting his Target (photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Earlier, I alluded to the fact that I felt the game should not have gone into over time. Here are just a few of the key reasons why:

• The Raiders had 14 fucking penalties. 14?! Most of which came from false starts, and offsides. Get your shit together, especially at home!
• Favre avoided what looked like an almost guaranteed safety, late in the fourth quarter. Seriously, it was sheer magic that he was not taken down.
• With three seconds left in the game, The Raiders were up 10-7, with Jets kicker, Jay Feely, preparing to hit a 52-yard field goal. Tom Cable, head coach of the Raiders, tries to freeze Feely, so he calls a timeout just before the ball was snapped. Feely’s first attempt (which didn’t count, since the timeout was called) hits the goal post; his second one (which did count) clears the up-rights with no problem.

I am sure coach Tom Cable sighed a GIANT sigh-of-relief after the Raiders pulled through in overtime. Methinks ol’ Tommy boy won’t be doing that dumb shit anymore this season. Raiders fans were undoubtedly hating life after that near-blunder, but soon rejoiced after their team pulled it together in OT. I will leave you with this gem, from my buddy Randy, who is a die-hard Raiders fan:

The Oakland Raiders just won…THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED BY MAN!!

P.S.: I hope the NFL does not sue me for using their images. If they try, I hope they understand I have about 60 cents to my name.

I know it’s not really all that newsworthy anymore, but for those of you living under a rock the past three or so weeks…My wonderful, glorious, goddess Scarlett (that’s Ms. Johansson to you) has been ruined – by Van Wilder himself – Ryan Reynolds!

Absolute Perfection

It’s taken this long for my paralyzing shock to subside enough to permit me to venture a rant on this topic.

I hinted at it in my Guilty Pleasure post. But now, well, now Mr. Morissette has gone and done it.

How?! Why?!!

My Precious

Speaking of which, Scarlett, Six Degrees of Separation here babe, but you’ve got Dave Coulier’s dick in your mouth.

He oughta know

Let’s play the game – Alanis Sucked Dave’s cock in a theater (I’m assuming movie, and not live, but who knows with these Canadians).

Not a single spot on this angelic face is untouched by Coulier Cock

Then she shacked up with Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, minus One Guy, A Girl, and the Pizza Place.

Hey guys, do you know what I call my house? I call it the tool box! Get it? Cause I'm a gigantic tool!

One can only assume they exchanged fluid in some way, shape, or form, thereby transferring Coulier Cock to Blade’s bitch.

And fingers crossed, hoping I’m wrong on this one…but I’m guessing Jailbait Hostess Fucker, Definitely, Maybe licked every square centimetre of your flawless, naked, dripping wet post-aroma bath body with that Dave Coulier Dick Remnant Encrusted mouth of his.

And thus, you’ve got Dave Coulier’s Dick in your mouth, or at least remnant’s of it.

I’m holding out hope against hope that this is all just some sort of publicity stunt like with Tom Theta-Clear Cruise, and the not nearly as desirable (as you my delectable Scarlett, or even as herself pre-Cruise) Katie Holmes.

I know you’ve got Vicki Christina Barcelona out in theater’s. I just don’t know what Too-Much-Hair-Gel is peddling. He doesn’t deserve you.

No mere mortal man is deserving

Ryan Reynolds?! I mean come on!! Are you gonna be Scarlett Reynolds now? That sounds like a fucken venereal disease!

Scarlett, you rock my socks. You are my Queen. I just can’t figure out why you married the jester…

The Queen

- Lenny

For a more in-depth Max Payne dissection, check out RMTC’s review here. Mine will be short and sweet. So without further ado, my review of Max Payne, starring Mark Walhberg…

Max Payne is all style and no substance. It’s nice to look at, thanks in large part to it’s not-so-subtle “flattery”, as in – imitation is the sincerest form of, of Sin City. Sadly, story wise, Max Payne chose a different strategy than to be flattering. The writers figured that there was the built in gamer fanbase so why waste precious time with coherency?!

Max Payne is a muddled and confusing cacophony of images. It’s unsure of it’s own in-movie mythology from one scene to the next. Is Mila Kunis really the badass Russian Crime Boss that always comes strapped with her submachine gun, or is she the squeamish little girl that flinches at the sight of a junkie falling out a window? Are the Valkyries truly imagined? Or are they real enough to pull the aforementioned junkie out of that same window?

I especially loved how Max Payne, the movie, not the Marky, knocked modern movie conventions on their ass and employed the first ever on-screen incarnation of a helpful and voluntarily talkative tattoo artist. But then, if they didn’t use this forced and unapologetically contrived situation to ejaculate their elementary dialogue, where would the heavy handed exposition come from?

It’s quite fitting that Ludacris had a large supporting role in this film, as this movie is nothing if not Ludacris. Here’s how bad it was – I never really liked Mila Kunis before, but then, having seen her in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, my opinion of her changed and I was actually looking forward to seeing her future filmic endeavors. Max Payne abolished all the good will that Forgetting Sarah Marshall had built up in me towards Mila Kunis.

To put it mildly, this movie is an orgy of concepts and ideas that simply don’t work together. And yes, that is putting it mildly. But like I said, it did look pretty…

Here’s Max Payne in theory:

WOW! Look how great that looks! Can’t wait to open it! But once you do, here’s Max Payne in actuality:

And don’t get me started on the telegraphed-from-the-word-go “shocking(!)” reveal of the true big bad.

Oh, and what the fuck happened to Max Payne’s baby?!?! His wife was killed, we get that, but he had a baby girl also. Was she killed right along with mom (though we never see baby corpse)? Was she kidnapped and raised as someone else’s daughter (though Max never seems to be looking for her)? Did Max find it too difficult to look at her day in and day out because she reminded him so much of her mother that he abandoned her in the forest to be raised by a pack of wolves? All these, and more, are possible, it’s just too bad no one associated with the movie felt it important to actually have Baby Payne’s whereabouts/existence mentioned on-screen. Oh, and also, are we supposed to believe that Max Payne is, or at least was, this great detective, yet it took him 3 fucken years to realize that his wife’s work files were missing and that the burglary/murder maybe wasn’t so random afterall?!

And then there’s Prison Break’s Amaury Nolasco as Lupino. Amaury Nolasco was largely billed as the movie’s goto nemesis (no doubt to throw the dullards in the audience off the scent of the previously referenced true big bad). Amaury was in possibly 4 scenes and had about 12 words of dialogue before the ho-hum, lackluster, and anticlimactic showdown between Lupino and Max Payne.

But I digress…

The one bright ray of sunshine to come out of all this was the flawlessly chiseled, though fiercely underutilized here, Olga Kurylenko.

Kurylenko commanded the screen for what precious few minutes she spent on it. For those keeping tabs, Kurylenko will next be seen as one of the newest Bond Girls in the upcoming Quantum of Solace. But to fully appreciate every last stunning inch of her, I recommend repeated viewings of last years Hitman. You can thank me later. And trust me, you will.

So again that’s: Olga Kurylenko – Yay! Max Payne – Nay!

Or if you prefer: Olga Kurylenko – WooHoo! Max Payne – PooPoo!

That being said, if you’re still jonesin’ for a “revenge against those that murdered my family” type actioner, check out the highly entertaining The Punisher from a few years back. The one with Thomas Jane in the titular role, not the 1989 Dolph Lundgren crapfest.

Hmm, I guess that wasn’t all that short or sweet…

- Lenny

It should be criminal to charge people for art as poorly crafted as Max Payne (the movie, of course). Luckily, I was able to see it for free on the Fox lot in Century City. Had I actually spent my hard-earned money to watch this “film,” I would have sincerely been pissed. This might be the only Mark Wahlberg movie I have seen where his acting was not the worst thing about the movie. You can certainly take the “Marky Mark” out of the “Funky Bunch”, but you cannot take the Funky Bunch out of the Marky Mark. I promise you, there were no “good vibrations” during Max Payne. I think I am actually ashamed I went to see this movie.

Mark Wahlberg: I Suck

After seeing Max Payne, I need to get three good movies under my belt, just to forget about it. Like getting the bad taste out of your mouth, Max Payne is that really terrible Chinese take-out you had for lunch. I kid you not, I have already shaken my head twice, remembering parts from the film, and looking back at my notes. Just to give you an idea of what was going on in my head, while I watched Max Payne, here are three notes I took down:

• Ludacris…WTF?
• Chirs O’Donnell…why?!?!
• Mlia Kunis? Why?!

Even on the Fox lot, with a crowd of Fox employees, when Ludacriscame on screen, the audience erupted in laughter. Not because he had something funny to say, but because he had no business being in this film as a serious detective. The only acting I would be comfortable with Ludacris doing, in a film I made, would be smoking a giant blunt and slapping bitches. Definitely not a stretch for Ludacris, but I could not trust him to do any more than that. That, or being a second-rate music producer, as he was in RocknRolla.

Quite literally, the only redeeming quality of the film was that Mila Kunis looked pretty damn good, especially wielding a semi-automatic machine gun. Sorry ladies, no candid shots of Wahlberg with his shirt off, or ass out.

Kunis is the Only Thing not Payne-ful

For those of you that have not played the video game, I will give you the general story. Max Payne is a detective, who found his wife and baby girl killed. When Max got home, he was able to take down two of the assailants, while the third fled the scene, and was never caught. His wife worked for a pharmaceutical company, Aesir Corporation, which is related somehow (do not want to spoil this gem of a movie!) to a recent string of mysterious deaths in the city. As Max Payne continuously searches for answers to his wife’s death, he is joined on his journey by Mona Sax (Kunis), whose sister was recently murdered (also mysteriously). There is some underlying themes of Norse mythology, related to a mysterious drug, Valkyr, that Aesir experimented with (you can Wiki “Aesir” and “valkyries” if you are THAT interested to see how it relates to Norse mythology). Lots of corruption, and conspiracy ensues; Max Payne ends up on top at the end. Yay.

It would take me ten pages to make sense of the plot, so I do not plan on going into more detail. The plot jumped around more than House of Pain. No character, besides Max Payne, was actually developed. There was no mystery, there was no suspense. Not much in the way of action either – it only kicked in about half-way into the film, and only really picked up near the last 20 minutes. Some people might enjoy the cinematography of the film (similar to Sin City & 300), but it was not enough to sway me in any direction. I hate that they will make money on this, simply because of the name. Fucking hate it.

A Long Way from A Scent of a Woman

The last point I will make is one that I have been making for years – Wahlberg is not an actor. This man is about as much an actor as I am a gymnast by day, astronaut by night. He does not deserve to be a lead actor in any film, but I am glad it was Max Payne, and not a real movie. Fuck you Fox.

Holy shit do not see this movie. I am fucking serious. Do not do that to yourself – I beg you.

I will leave you with the best line of the film. Near the end, there is a huge explosion at the top of a building, with a fuck-ton of police standing by at the ground level. A giant piece of the building falls down, and crushes a police car. The officer-in-charge then proclaims:

Les Deux is a bar / club located at 1638 N Las Palmas Ave Hollywood, CA 90028. Let me start by saying this was not an easy place to find. It is about five buildings south of Hollywood boulevard, on the west side of the Las Palmas, but the entrance is inside of their parking lot. To be sure, it is a strange setup, but I am no longer mystified by the unique (often times mind-boggling) quirks of bars and clubs in Hollywood. Along for this wild ride were BehindtheHype.com’s very own Casey Cupcakes and Fierce Pussy. I guess if you are going to go to a Hollywood bar on a Monday night, what better way than with a couple beautiful friends?

Casey Cupcakes: Are you really that small?

Fierce Pussy: He really IS that small!

Les Deux is a deceivingly-large venue for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that most places in Hollywood just are not that big, and the second is just the way the bar is laid out. Looking at it from an aerial eye-view, it would look like a long rectangle. When you first walk through the entrance, you are at outside lounge area of the bar. There are booths, with tables, setup and a cute fountain in the middle. Personally, I do not think the fountain matches the theme of the place, but who am I to tell Hollywood how it should roll?

The Fountain Really Ties the Room Together, Dude

The outside area, which I suppose also acts as the “front” of the bar, if there needs to be a “front”, was by far the most crowded. This could be due to people wanting to smoke their cigarettes and weed, or merely because they were unaware there was more to this bar than meets the eye. Being the thorough reviewer (read: designated driver aka bored) that I am, I scoped out the entire place.

The Music is too Good to Dance to

There is a bar for the outside area which was super busy, but if you walk another five feet to the first segment of the building, there was another bar, which was much less busy. This first interior segment also sported booths/tables along the walls, and had some disjointed tables and chairs all throughout the middle portion of the room. The music associated with the outside area would be what you would listen to / dance to in this first room.

Awe & Slendor that is the Empty First Room

Now you continue walking, and reach a hallway. Being the master labyrinth-solver that I am, the bar‘s maze was no match for me. This hallway joined the first and second rooms, and is also where you will find the doors to the bathrooms. Another thing that did not seem to fit, in my opinion, was there was a guy serving people in the men’s bathroom. Unfortunately, by “serving” I am not referring to 2-for-1 handjobs, but merely paper towels, gum, cologne, etc. This just did not seem like the sort of place that would necessitate having this guy there, nor do I think he sees much action. And by “action” I of course do not mean tips, and do mean 69′ing in the stalls.

The Minotaur is Hungry, so Make it Fast

Assuming you make it past the Minotaur, you are greeted by an interesting surprise in the second room. There is a live band playing in the second room, and the second room also has it’s own bar. I spoke with one of the waiters, Matt, and he gave me the skinny on the live band situation. Apparently there is only a live band on Mondays, which is when it is Rock night. Truth be told, while the live band was nothing special, the selection of music in the outside area was really good. For every night other than Monday, there is a second DJ spinning in the second room, and from what Matt tells me, the music is typically better in the second room. If the bar is not busy enough, they will usually close off that room, to artificially create a feeling of “busy.”

Owning a Guitar does not Make you a Guitarist, Chief

Besides the “front” outside area, and the two rooms inside, there is also a third interior segment, which is upstairs. The upstairs room is small, so it is pretty cozy, with a non-functional fireplace. Without trying to investigate the origin of the building for Les Deux, my gut instinct is they just retrofitted an old house into a bar. What makes me think that, beyond the fireplace, is that part of the upstairs section are floor-to-ceiling doors that overlook the outside area.

Space Cakes not Recommended in Upstairs Room

The part I liked most about the bar was that along the south wall of the building is a long walk-way that stretches from the the second room to the “front” outside area. I imagine this comes in handy if the bar is really packed, and you do not feel like swimming through a sea of people. Plus it adds an additional element of an outside atmosphere, so if it is getting too hot inside, or you just feel like some air, you can do so pretty easily. I should add that it was not hot inside, but it was also not packed at the time.

This is Where they Hide/Eat the Bodies

As I mentioned earlier, Monday is Rock night. Tuesday is Hip Hop night, and the rest of the week is a mix of dance music and top 40 hits. If this place was not in Hollywood, I think it would definitely be a cool spot for me to go to somewhat frequently. I am certainly not a Hollywood type of party guy, and there is little I hate more than having to get “dressed up” to have a good time. On top of that facet, I really cannot stand the sort of people that Les Deux draws in. Without coming off too judgmental of other people, let’s just say the Hollywood crowd was there in full effect, and I do not mix well with the Hollywood crowd.

That being said, if the Hollywood crowd is your thing, I certainly see no reason for you not to enjoy your time at Les Deux. It is a unique, huge venue, with good music, and a large parking lot connected to it. Sure, you have to pay for parking, but if you are lucky enough to find street parking (which did not take long, but we certainly did get lucky), then you are golden. It is a trendy place, and draws a pretty fake, pretentious, Hollywood crowd (could not resist some amount of judgment), that needs to wear dark sunglasses at 1 a.m. (indoors, no less). But like I said, if the Hollywood crowd is your thing – and you would who you are – then by all means check out Les Deux. For someone into places more like dive bars and lounges, stay far far away. If you would be into a mix of a lounge, and Les Deux, you might like ONE Sunset, which is also in Hollywood. Check out my review of ONE Sunset to see if it is more up your alley.

Think again if you think a night out with Casey Cupcakes and Fierce Pussy does not have some shenanigans involved. As we walk back to the car, Casey decides (under my direction) to steal the flag from the parking attendant. Unbeknownst to us, he saw as the crime went down, and quickly caught up with us. At least he was nice enough to take a sexy picture with the ladies:

The Threesome on the Sidewalk was SEXY

Do not expect an explanation for this closing video, because there really is nothing I can say that will make much sense of it. I just recommend watching it, and staying happily confused.

I will not go into what this event as all about at Les Deux, but instead I will leave that up to Casey Cupcakes’ up-coming article, as she was who invited Fierce Pussy and myself.

As with any sport, hockey is filled with it’s fair share of rivalries, with some dating back several decades, and others that have sprung up somewhat recently. When the Anaheim Ducks come to town, or the Los Angeles Kings visit them, the result is usually a pretty entertaining battle. One thing has led to another, over the years, and a rivalry was spawned. This should help explain why there was a fight within the first two minutes of the game, with this being just the third game of the season for both teams. And then another fight less than nine minutes after that. All of that I will get into in a bit, but for now I leave you with the beauty of the Staples Center (click any thumbnail to enlarge):

R.I.P. Chick

Staples Center

Outside LCD

Arch of Fame

The Great One

We get inside, and are a little early, which means we get to watch some of the pre-game shoot around. I took some pictures of both the Ducks and the Kings warming up against their goaltenders – Jean-Sebastien Giguere and Jason LaBarbera, respectively. Both netminders being Canadian, if you could not tell from those delicious last names.

After the pre-game shoot around, the teams go back to their respective locker rooms, so that the Zamboni can come through and shave the ice. For awhile, it seemed like it was going to be a small crowd, but I guess even to a hockey game, people in Los Angeles need to come “fashionably late.”

They make all the player introductions, and then sing the national anthem. I took a couple shots of both team’s starting five, and then we dive right into the opening face-off. It is hockey time, boys!

Ducks Starting Five

Kings Starting Five

Opening Face-Off

Get it On!

Less than two minutes into the game, the Ducks score their first goal. To be honest, having been to many Kings‘ games that have ended poorly, I thought it was already over. I guess Raitis Ivanans had the same feeling, so two seconds after the proceeding face-off, he decided to kick George Parros‘ ass. If you are unfamiliar with Parros, let’s just say he is primarily on the ice to fuck people up, so it is always nice to see him get his ass handed to him.

This was a pretty high-paced game by both sides; each time came out playing really hungry, because they were both searching for their first win of the season. As with their home opener, the Ducks starting playing flat after their second goal in the first period. Their scoring opportunities were seldom, and their intensity level really started to plummet as the game went on.

The Kings really took over with their place in the second period. They played a much more physical game than the Ducks, which is surprising to me, considering the brand of hockey the Ducks play. It seemed like big hit after big hit was coming from a Kings‘ player; in some cases simply leveling a Duck. The nail in the Ducks‘ coffin was a 5-on-3 goal the Kings‘ scored in the final minute of the second period. It felt like if they would go into the locker room at a tie score of 2-2, the game would have been much more even in the third period.

On top of being out-hit, the Ducks‘ simply gave up too many penalties. They really did not put themselves in a position to win, going on a 3-on-5 disadvantage two separate times in the game. Getzlaf, Pronger, and Selanne had pretty quiet games, other than Selanne giving the Ducks their third goal of the game. There was absolutely zero poise on the side of the Ducks, and Giguere was not sharp. From my perspective, there were at least three goals Giguere should have stopped; he definitely did not bring his A game. LaBarbera, of the Kings, did not have a great game himself, but he played well enough to keep the Kings in it. The first two goals LaBarbera could have been stopped, but the third was a clean one-on-one break-away against Selanne, which you cannot fault him for.

Enough with the legit hockey talk, where are the whores? Ask, my friends, and you shall receive. In my professional opinion, the Kings‘ whores are much hotter than the Ducks‘ whores. Maybe that was what gave them the confidence to take the Ducks‘, 6-3.

If pictures of these hot Kings‘ girls was not enough, I am also providing you with delicious video. Maybe this will inspire some more fans to come out to Staples Center and watch the Kings play. Not likely, but here are the goods anyhow:

I would also like to say that it is so exciting watching the Kings actually win a game. It does not happen too often nowadays, post Gretzky era, so each win feels like a breath of fresh air. All-in-all, this game was a physical, high-scoring, high-intensity contest. If the Ducks were at their regular form, it probably would have been a land-slide, but that was not the case. The next game I will be covering will be when the Detroit Red Wings come to town on Monday, October 27th. I whole-heartedly expect the Kings to get massacred.

A couple additional videos:

• Awesome Light Show Prior to Face-Off
• Second Fight: Matt Greene vs. Brad May